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Crying Our Eyes Out

Posted on November 7, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

Recently a conflict management coaching client told me she had “cried her eyes out” about a dispute she is having with a co-worker. I have used this same expression myself when I’ve been extremely upset. On this occasion – hearing my client describe her reaction – I was struck by how dramatic this phrase is. It says so much about the depth of feelings experienced – and even the length of time expended in a state of distress.

Of course, we don’t really cry our eyes out. But, the symbolism is poignant and I began to wonder about what the idiom really reflects. Is it about not being able to see anymore? Is it about losing something visual like ‘seeing’ the other person as we want her or him to be? Is it about having to change our vision of ourselves or them? Or, what else might it be?

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to answer the following questions by considering a conflict situation that was or is difficult for you, such as you, metaphorically, said or would say you “cried your eyes out”.

  • What is or was the situation?
  • What is or was most devastating about this situation such that you “cried your eyes out” (or would say this idiom describes your reaction to the situation)?
  • What three words describe the depth of your emotions about this conflict?
  • What stopped the tears – literally or figuratively – eventually?
  • When you stopped crying – literally or figuratively – what new vision do you have about the situation?
  • What might you have lost sight of in this conflict?
  • What new vision do you have about the other person?
  • What new vision do you have about yourself?
  • What else do you see now that you didn’t when you “cried your eyes out” (or felt like you could “cry your eyes out”)?
  • What do you realize now that you consider how you experienced this conflict that reflects the symbolism of saying you “cried your eyes out” or feeling as though you could?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Idioms | Leave a comment

Moving On After Conflict

Posted on October 31, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

The confusion and internal chaos that conflict can, at times, wreak on us accounts, in part, for the desire to move past it and get over it as soon as possible. Often we also want the other person to do so. On the other hand, there are times we might find we are disappointed when she or he moves on too soon.

We vary in our post-conflict reactions and these reactions differ for many reasons. They may depend on factors such as who the other person is, the situation, the degree of hurt we or they experience, our contribution, the outcome and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog is an opportunity to consider your sensibilities post-conflict about a specific situation that you are having trouble moving on from.

  • What was the situation?
  • What seems to be making it challenging for you to move on?
  • What specifically are you holding onto?
  • What remains most unresolved for you about that (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What would it take for you to be able to move on?
  • How likely is that to happen (your answer to the previous question)?
  • If you moved on, what would you miss most that seems to be something you are holding onto?
  • How do you describe your continuing emotions about the situation and the other person?
  • If you moved on, with what feelings would you like to replace the current ones?
  • You might not be ready to move on or even want to. If that’s the case, why do you think that is?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching | Leave a comment

Telling the Truth in Conflict

Posted on October 24, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

Leo Tolstoy said in Tolstoy’s Diaries:

“The truth is obtained like gold, not by letting it grow bigger, but by washing off from it everything that isn’t gold.”

One of the reasons I like this quote, when applied to conflict, is that I think it goes to the reality that we are not always totally honest when we relate our conflict stories to others. We might convey what we wished we said (rather than what we said), we may leave out how we communicated, and we might exaggerate or otherwise distort what the other person said. We often relate our stories on interpretations, or assumptions we are making, or for self-serving motives such as to get the listener’s support to blame the other person, or due to shame or guilt and other reasons.

These and other ways we remember and discuss our conflict stories are indicators of, among other things, the complex dynamics of conflict and their impact on us. However, getting to the truth by washing off everything that isn’t gold – gold being the real essence of the conflict – is the theme of this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog. See if these questions help you get to the gold about a conflict you were or are involved in.

  • What is the truth, as you perceive it, of what the other person said or did in the conflict? What is the truth about what you said or did, as you perceive it?
  • What, if anything, may you be leaving out that you said or did because you are embarrassed about it or are otherwise reluctant to share what it was?
  • What, if you haven’t mentioned it, may you be leaving out about your attitude, tone of voice and body language during the conflict?
  • What might be the other person’s version be of what happened between you?
  • What truth may she or he be embarrassed about repeating?
  • What might the other person’s truth be about the conflict and where she or he was coming from that you haven’t considered yet?
  • What is the real difference between your respective versions?
  • What is the gold – the gem – you didn’t identify during the conflict that is likely the real crux of the dissension?
  • What does the other person not really know – yet – about your truth and where you were coming from in the conflict?
  • If everything was washed away from the conflict for both of you, what truth might you share?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
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Listening Through

Posted on October 17, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

Two wonderful friends and colleagues of mine, Kate Sharpe and Jeanie Nishimura, wrote a terrific book last year entitled When Mentoring Meets Coaching: Shifting the Stance in Education (2016, Pearson Canada Inc., Toronto, Canada). The authors provide a great resource in this text that supports readers to move from theory to practice and by enhancing mentoring with coaching skills.

One of the skills Kate and Jeanie talk about is listening, which is typically discussed whenever we outline the competencies of many practitioners – coaches, mentors, consultants, mediators and so on. However, I am particularly fond of how these authors talk about the skill of listening in the expression they use – “listening through”.

The importance of listening at any time and certainly, when in conflict, cannot be overstated. Before conflict erupts, for instance, when it is evident to us that the other person is becoming provoked, it is the optimum time to step back and ask, “What’s happening for you?” and listen thoroughly to the crux of their irritation before responding. That is, it is not a time to think of what to say in reaction. Rather, it is a time to hear the other person through.

Similarly, when we begin to feel irritated it is an optimum time to hear ourselves through – internally or with a trusted friend or coach. Asking ourselves the same question, “What is happening for me?” is a simple query also aimed at getting underneath the matter from our perspective. This is just one of many questions to facilitate listening and the following list of Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) are additional ones to ask when you bring to mind a conflict that you sense has the potential for escalating.

  • Considering a sense you have that a conflict is brewing for the other person about something going on between you, what seems to be irritating her or him as far as you know or can tell?
  • If the other person shared her or his irritation with you (as you identified it), what is your reaction just thinking about it?
  • How might that reaction you are experiencing (stated above) get in the way of being able to listen attentively to her or him?
  • If you listened through what the person has to say, what are the possible things you might learn about what is important to her or him? What does that say about what she or he might need from you?
  • If your responses to the previous two questions open up some new reflections, what are they?
  • How might the above reflections help the two of you move forward?
  • If applicable, what is irritating you that the other person is saying or doing?
  • What does your answer to the above question say about what you need from her or him?
  • As you listen through where you are coming from, too, what do you want the other person to know (that she or he might not) that is important to you?
  • What do you think you could ask the other person to feel fully heard? How might you let her or him know you are listening?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Listening | Leave a comment

Changing Your Direction in Conflict

Posted on October 10, 2017 by Cinnie Noble

Another favourite quote of mine is by Lao Tzu:

“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.”

Though this applies to so many things in life, when it comes to conflict I find it particularly pertinent to the trajectory we get on when we are in a dispute.

More specifically, we sometimes forget we are at choice when we are in conflict. That is, we can choose to calm ourselves, use words, tones and attitudes that are conciliatory, take a time out and reflect before speaking, regulate our emotions, and even walk away when it is the best course of action for the situation.

For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog, consider a dispute you are currently involved in when answering this list of questions:

  • What is the situation about?
  • What is provoking for you? What makes that especially irritating?
  • What are the feelings you are experiencing about this situation (besides, or rather than, the words used above, i.e. provoking and irritating)?
  • How would you describe the escalation between you and the other person?
  • How might you be contributing to the escalation of things?
  • What direction would you say things are going? What direction do you prefer that things go between you?
  • What direction do you think the other person wants things to go?
  • What are all the choices you have about ways to change the current direction to one that is preferable?
  • What do you need to feel about yourself to change the direction? What do you need to feel about the other person to achieve the change in direction?
  • What else do you need to do, think, feel, etc. to effect the change in direction
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching | Leave a comment