Interpersonal conflict is often deflating. Our egos, self-esteem, confidence, mood and other parts of us can all be negatively influenced when we are in dispute. Who the other person is, the subject matter, what she or he said or didn’t say (or did or didn’t do), and the attitude and facial or body language we observed – any number of these and other things could provoke us. I think I can safely say though, most of us experience moments like this when we are feeling deflated after a conflict.

What I notice from many of my conflict management coaching clients when conflicts negatively effect and linger for them is the tendency to be hard on themselves and go to places that reflect old habits. These include engaging in self-blame or blaming the other person, withdrawing, using silences, and reacting in other ways that demonstrate their default system.

If you have a tendency to go to a default (an old conflict habit that isn’t good for you) – even when you try not to – you might find this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog of relevance.

When you are not being good to yourself, after or during a conflict, and go instead to a negative place, what do you tend to think about yourself at these times?

What feelings usually accompany the thoughts you refer to in the previous question?

In what other ways is the place you go to hard on you?

When you think about it, what makes this a place you gravitate to during or after a dispute?

When do you not go to that negative place during or after conflict?

What makes the difference?

What thoughts may you draw on to replace your negative ones, rather than go to your default place?

If you were to be good to yourself during a conflict, what would you do differently? What different feeling would accompany that shift?

If you were to be good to yourself after a conflict, what would you do differently? What different feeling would accompany that shift?

What will it take for you to orchestrate the shifts so that you will be better to yourself during a conflict? What will it take for you to orchestrate the shifts so that you will be better to yourself after a conflict?

What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?

What insights do you have?

“The right word may be effective but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.” Mark Twain

I like this quote a lot. It is a reminder to me that we are “at choice” when it comes to when and how we engage in conflict. That is, often the best response when someone upsets us with things they say or do is to take a “rightly timed pause”. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider when and how to use pauses.

Let’s consider the definition first. Dictionary-wise there are several definitions and I’ll refer to this one: “a temporary stop or rest, especially in speech or action”.

This way of describing pause is relevant to the point of this blog because it implies intention, choice and emotional regulation – three important ingredients of effective conflict management. The trick is, of course, to learn to stop ourselves when we are triggered and usually react to our detriment. At these times, we often go too quickly to blame, to defensiveness, and to other responses that do not help the situation.

If you tend to react, consider the questions below by bringing to mind a specific dispute in which you reacted without pausing.

• What was the situation?
• How did you react that you wished you hadn’t?
• What specifically seemed to propel you to react?
• What emotions were you experiencing?
• What thoughts came to your head?
• If you had paused, rather than reacted, what would a “pause” actually look like?
• What would you have to be thinking that would be different from your thoughts when you reacted?
• What emotions might you draw on to make the pause easier?
• Once you paused, what might you have said or done that would be less reactive?
• What do you suppose makes it hard to “pause” and think before reacting, in ways you would rather not, when someone offends you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

This blog is a little different from my previous ones, since I’d like to share a story based on my travels to Africa. (Many thanks to www.mediate.com who also published this article.)

 by Cinnie Noble, from Otjiwarongo, Namibia
(Cheetah Conservation Fund International Research and Education Centre)

Recently, I had the privilege and joy of travelling to South Africa, Namibia and Zimbabwe. It was a tremendous journey in so many ways, including that, for me, travel is transformative and a great equalizer. That is, in middle of the desert and savannahs, and in big and small cities – far from home – it feels we are defined only by our presence in the moment. (I try to hold onto this feeling as long as possible!)

Whenever I travel I learn so much, too, and every day since my return I recall something that touched me in some way. It will come as no surprise that I would be attuned to the word conflict – even in my travels. And this article is about a conflict I became aware of between humans and cheetahs.

Cheetahs are known as the world’s fastest land animal and as the oldest and most unique of the big cats of Africa. Reportedly, their ancestors appeared on earth more than four million years ago – before lions and leopards. Unfortunately, the numbers of these magnificent cats have dwindled as to be near extinct and apparently, they are extinct in 25 of the 45 countries where they have lived over the last 60 years. One reason attributed for this is due to the conflict between humans and them.

This particular conflict was identified in Namibia by Dr. Laurie Marker, an American conducting research in Africa since 1977. She saw a need to save cheetahs, attributing their decline in numbers to their loss of habitat, loss of prey and indiscriminate killing by farmers who viewed them as vermin and a threat to their livestock.

Through remarkable programs to assure the cheetah’s place on our earth, Dr. Marker set out to ensure they could live harmoniously with humans. And thankfully, the amazing initiatives she and her team of interns and volunteers (and some staff) implemented through the Cheetah Conservation Fund (CCF) have significantly increased the number of cheetahs in Namibia.

A few of the programs that have reduced the conflict include educating farmers through research about the prey that kill their animals and that, contrary to their assumptions, the predators are not cheetahs. The CCF also breed, train and monitor livestock guard dogs as a means of non-lethal control and prevention of indiscriminate killing. The dogs do not herd livestock, but rather they stand between the flocks and predators. They bark to scare them off, and if that doesn’t work the dogs attack them. To date, over 600 dogs have been bred and placed with farmers leading to reportedly over 80% reduction in livestock losses.

In view of what I learned about the conflict between humans and cheetahs in Namibia, here are 10 lessons I was reminded of about conflict:

1. It takes only one ‘party’ to be in conflict and blame another or others for something for which they are not necessarily responsible.
2. When we gain an understanding about the issues in dispute and those we blame, we are less likely to attack and attribute fault.
3. Making assumptions about others’ motives is lethal and creates unnecessary conflict.
4. The perception that core values and needs are threatened, challenged or undermined often underlies the reasons we react to others.
5. By supporting disputing parties in constructive ways, conflict is reduced.
6. We are not always aware that or when we are perceived as a threat.
7. New strategies and positive outcomes occur when we are able to examine the validity of our perceptions and assumptions, and be open to different perspectives and ways of managing situations.
8. Sometimes an aggrieved party to a conflict lacks agency and the ability to speak for themselves. In these cases, it is necessary to provide a voice for them, to support them and intervene on their behalf.
9. Sometimes when we perceive others as threats to our wellbeing – and even view them as fierce predators – they are not actually so, and their need for survival and to be understood matches our own.
10. To be able to live harmoniously on our planet depends, in large part, on finding mutually acceptable solutions, despite our differences.

I’d be curious to learn what other lessons you have learned about conflict from animals?

by Cinnie Noble, from Karongwe Park, South Africa