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Paying Forward Conflict Lessons

Posted on August 28, 2018 by Cinnie Noble

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular a couple of years ago. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted November 22, 2016):

One day the man said to his long-time mentor, “Thank you for listening to me and my side of our dispute and for disagreeing with me in the gracious way you did. I am humbled”.

“You have shared your truth and I needed to know that, too”, the mentor replied.

The man went on and extended an apology saying, “I also appreciate you let me know how hurtful my perspective was for you and for some things I said – and I am sorry for that”.

“And I appreciate that you have now learned to acknowledge that it’s okay to have different views on matters that are important to each of us”, the mentor responded.

The man hugged his mentor and said, “Yes, I have learned so much from you about disputing and I will now pay that forward by remaining calm and respectful with others, and by listening as carefully and thoughtfully as you. But, I do have a final question. How did you remain so calm and respectful when I was being hurtful? You didn’t get angry at me”. The mentor answered, “I said to myself, at these times, that you must have deep pain in your heart to want to hurt someone who cares about you.  I felt sadness for you – not anger towards you”.

  • What is the moral of this parable for you?
  • What emotions, if any, did the story raise in you?
  • What didn’t resonate for you in this parable, if anything. Why was that do you think?
  • In the end, what lessons did the man learn from his mentor?
  • Which lesson or lessons might you want to also learn about conflict that this story raises for you?
  • What characteristics of the mentor do you most want to emulate? What characteristics of the man do you most want to emulate?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Conflict Parable | Leave a comment

Regrets from Conflict

Posted on August 21, 2018 by Cinnie Noble

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular a couple of years ago. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted May 17, 2016):

After an interpersonal conflict is over – or, ostensibly over – it is not unusual to carry around ongoing regrets. We may regret what we said or didn’t say; we may regret giving in; we may regret prolonging the conflict; we may regret how we acted; we may regret the loss of the relationship or resulting changes in how we relate now.

It isn’t always the case, though it often happens, that regrets linger long after our other emotions about the conflict dissipate. They remain as a heavy weight that holds us down – making it difficult to move on.

If you are carrying some regrets about a conflict, the following questions will hopefully help you unpack them.

  • What was the conflict about?
  • What do you regret about what you said or did, or didn’t say or do in that conflict?
  • What specifically lingers on for you?
  • How has that (your answer to the previous question) had an impact on the relationship with the other person?
  • What 3 words describe the lasting impact on you?
  • What 3 words do you want to replace the above 3 words (your answer to the previous question)?
  • What don’t you regret about the conflict?
  • If you didn’t carry around the regrets anymore, how would that change the relationship?
  • What other changes would there be if you stop carrying around the regrets anymore?
  • What did you learn about yourself in the conflict that will help you manage future interpersonal conflicts more effectively?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Regrets | Leave a comment

Values Conflict

Posted on August 14, 2018 by Cinnie Noble

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular a couple of years ago. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted November 29, 2016):

It is common to attribute the term ‘values conflict’ as the reason for dissension between us and another person and we may say such conflicts are not resolvable. That’s true for some disputes, but I don’t believe all, and this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog is about the sorts of differences that may seem irreconcilable.

In some research I did over 15 years ago, study group members identified that when they are provoked by something another person says or does they perceive a value, need or aspect of their identity is being undermined or threatened. The participants didn’t use those words per se but it was evident by the language they used that they felt that one or more of these aspects of their being was being challenged, and they reacted accordingly. As part of the research and ultimately, the development of the CINERGY® conflict management coaching model, the study group members also explored what aspects of the other person’s being they themselves might be challenging. Checking out the possible attributions – and assumptions being made – helped them (and continues to help my coaching clients) gain increased understanding of the conflict dynamic between the disputants.

The above research and its results indicated that having different values does not mean we cannot reconcile our differences. That is, if we perceive the other person is undermining our value of fairness, it doesn’t mean that our ideas of fairness have to be the same or of the same degree to be able to resolve our differences. Similarly, it doesn’t mean the other person is necessarily unfair or intends to be, but that we hold different perspectives on fairness.

Though having disparate values may not be reconcilable, it helps to explore what our respective beliefs are in relation to the issues in dispute and discuss how and in what way(s) they feel undermined. Doing so can result in an understanding that honours our differences – rather than operating on the basis that different values (apparently) necessarily make our conflicts irreconcilable.

If you are referring (or have referred) to a dispute you are having (or had) as a ‘values conflict’, consider the following questions:

  • What are you and the other person disputing about?
  • Which value (or values) of yours do you feel is (are) being challenged?
  • What specifically is the other person saying that leads you to your answer to the previous question?
  • Which value(s) of her or his do you see as disparate from yours?
  • How do you know that is the other person’s value or values (referring to your answer to the previous question)?
  • What value or values, if any, may the two of you share?
  • What do you not understand or accept about the other person’s value(s) as it (they) pertains to your dispute?
  • What might she or he not accept or understand about your value(s) in the dispute?
  • If it isn’t necessarily a ‘values conflict’, how else may you frame it?
  • What difference, if any, does that frame make (your answer to the above question)?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching | Leave a comment

Know When to Hold ‘Em

Posted on August 7, 2018 by Cinnie Noble

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular a couple of years ago. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted July 19, 2016):

The story in the song The Gambler – most famously sung by American country music singer Kenny Rogers – is about two people on a train “bound for nowhere”. One of the people is a gambler who perceives the other person he meets is down on his luck (“out of aces”). The gambler offers up advice if the person will give him his last swallow of whiskey. (The Wikipedia description of this encounter refers to the male gender but presumably it need not be.)

After the gambler takes the drink he gives this advice:

“You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,
Know when to walk away, know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table,
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done.”

The gambler then mentions that the “secret to survivin’ is knowing what to throw away, and knowing what to keep”.

According to Wikipedia, some believe the song is not simply useful advice and tips on gambling, but in fact a wider “metaphor” for life itself, with the “cards” which the gambler plays signifying the choices we make in our lives. However, there is no line in the song which proves this theory.

The Gambler is a catchy song and even as we “speak” I can’t help but hum the tune. And it seems to me the gambler’s advice is indeed a metaphor applicable to other of life’s circumstances, including conflict. That is, whether before, during or after conflict, we have choices about how to manage the situation. We can hold onto our positions; we can concede to the other; we can collaborate or compromise; we can walk away with our heads held high; we can walk away in anger; we can resolve things amicably; or we can let things fester. The list of our choices is endless, and the following questions are good ones to consider if you are wondering what to do about a specific dispute.

  • What is the dispute about?
  • What is your position that you are holding onto on how you want things resolved?
  • What makes that position particularly important to hold onto?
  • If you hold onto your position, what are the possible outcomes?
  • What other options for resolution might there be that may be acceptable to you?
  • How might those options – referred to in the previous question – work for the other person?
  • If you were to “fold ‘em” in this conflict, what does that mean to you?
  • In what ways may folding your position actually be a positive choice? How would you know when to “fold ‘em” to make it positive?
  • How is “folding ‘em” a negative choice?
  • What choices might work for both of you? If you don’t want a mutually acceptable choice how will you proceed?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Metaphors | Leave a comment

Getting Defensive

Posted on July 31, 2018 by Cinnie Noble

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular a couple of years ago. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted May 24, 2016):

So often when we’re in conflict one or both (all) people involved find themselves becoming defensive. This reaction is demonstrated in various ways. We may react with sarcasm or blame; we may justify our own words, actions or attitude; we may dismiss the other person’s comments; we may walk away; or we may verbally attack her or him. These and other ways of reacting depend on the person, the situation or both. How we react also depends on our conflict competence, sensibilities, learned behaviours and other variables.

When we get defensive it is helpful to consider what we are defending at those times. Often it is because we perceive a value, need or aspect of our identity is being undermined or challenged. We feel hurt, offended, betrayed and other emotions. Also, at some level of consciousness we are questioning the other person’s motives and attributing ill will to her or his intent. It is a time our ability to reflect and problem solve is compromised.

If you became defensive in a recent dispute and/or saw the other person doing so in the same or a different conflict, you will have a chance to deconstruct the defensiveness with the following questions of this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog.

  • What was the dispute about?
  • What did the other person say or do that resulted in you becoming defensive?
  • Which of your values were you defending? What else do you think you were defending?
  • What did you need from the other person that she or he was not providing?
  • What aspect(s) of your identity did you perceive were being challenged?
  • How did you react when you became defensive? What would a non-defensive response have been?
  • If you observed a defensive reaction in the other person in this same dispute or a different one, what was that conflict about? To what did the other person react defensively about what you said or did?
  • How do you describe what her or his defensiveness looked like?
  • What value(s), need(s) or aspect(s) of her or his identity did she or he perceive was being undermined? What else might she or he have been defending?
  • What might you have said or done differently so that the other person would not have reacted defensively?
  • What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
  • What insights do you have?
Posted in Conflict Coaching, Conflict Management Coaching, Defensiveness | Leave a comment