For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular last year. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted November 14, 2017):

I like this quote by Doris Lessing from The Golden Notebook:

“There’s only one real sin, and that is to persuade oneself that the second-best is anything but the second-best.”

Many of us consider doing our second best in situations as sufficient. Maybe this is because we didn’t feel our best at the time and excuse our behaviour because it seems to be the best we could bring to it. Other reasons may have to do with low self-esteem, insufficient tools, lack of support and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog suggests that we have a choice to bring our best self – not our second best self – to our conflict situations. What follows then, are some reflective questions to consider before a conflict arises – when you sense one is imminent – to be able to bring your best self to it.

• What is going on for you that gives you the sense that a conflict is imminent?
• What is going on that gives you the sense that the other person might be sharing the same sense, if that’s the case?
• What specifically is being triggered inside you?
• What might you be saying or doing to provoke the other person?
• How do you describe the best version of the you that you want to bring to this dispute?
• By bringing that best version (that you just described), what do you have to do to shift your attitude about the conflict?
• By bringing that best version (that you just described), what do you have to do to shift your attitude about the other person?
• By bringing that best version (that you just described), what do you have to do to shift your attitude about yourself?
• How is the best version of yourself different from the second best version of you?
• How is the best version of you someone you feel humbled and honoured to be?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Many of us revisit conflicts and other interactions in our heads – and sometimes many times – wishing we had the opportunity to do it again. Things we said and how we said them often haunt us. Try as we might to learn from these incidents, we might still repeat the same sort of behaviour again, with the same or another person. Indeed, it seems, at times, that our learning is short-lived, but the self-blame lingers on.

When you think about it, once conflicts are over it is difficult to revisit them – to explore and sustain the learning. We are relieved they have ended and just want to move on. However, we are likely destined to repeat things we do not learn from or make the changes that will stand us in better stead for the next conflict.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider the learning from a specific interpersonal conflict when answering the following questions:

• What was the conflict about?
• What did you do that you would like to redo?
• What bothers you most about what you did?
• What would you have preferred to say or do instead?
• What might have been different if you had done or said that in that incident?
• What do you think precluded you from doing so?
• What is significant about your preferred response that you can remember for the next time you are in conflict?
• What would it take for you to remember and use that response (your answer to the above question)?
• What else are you considering as you ponder this different approach?
• So, if you were to set intentions of how you want to “be” in conflict on an ongoing basis, what would they be?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Would you call yourself a people-pleaser? If so, how does this lead to conflict in your life? If you are not a people-pleaser but find you get irritated with people who are, what specifically triggers you that results in conflict? These are just a few questions to consider with respect to this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog, if you are interested in exploring the concept of people-pleasing.

So, what is people-pleasing all about? This is another query that comes up for reflective people who want to shift their tendency to be so, or to better understand those who seem to spend a lot of energy trying to placate others. The reasons why some people-please may be to avoid conflict, to gain favour (to be liked, respected, needed), to get something, to make up for wrongdoing, or due to guilt – to name a few possibilities.

Where does conflict arise when it comes to this character trait? For some, when provoked by people-pleasers, it’s because it is experienced as disingenuous and phony. Some attribute other things to people-pleasers, such as being insecure and needy and that they must be trying to prove something. Others see people-pleasers as manipulative. As a consequence of these and other reactions to people-pleasing, conflict can ensue. For instance, we don’t know or misinterpret the real reason and react accordingly – leading to conflict. For those who people-please, there might be a tendency to react to direct or indirect criticism and not understand how good intentions, insecurities, reasons, etc. get misread.

Please consider if this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog questions give you more to think about regarding people-pleasing:

• If you are a people-pleaser, what do you think compels you to be so?
• If there’s a possibility you fear something, what are you afraid of?
• How does people-pleasing work for you? What doesn’t work for you about this trait?
• In what ways has being a people-pleaser led to conflict in your life?
• Considering one of these conflicts, what is the situation? What would you have preferred to say in that situation that you didn’t?
• For what reasons didn’t you, in that case?
• What were the consequences of not saying what you wanted to?
• Now let’s look at questions if you dislike people-pleasers. If that’s the case, what is it specifically you dislike?
• What has actually led to a conflict due to your perception and experience of the other person as a people-pleaser?
• What reason(s) might the person trying to please give you that would have made you less reactive?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?