For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular last year. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted July 4, 2017):

One of the reasons conflict sometimes evolves is because we aren’t aware of the reasons someone is upset with us. In these cases, by the time we are told about the situation by the person who feels aggrieved by something we said or did the dynamic between us has become increasingly tense. Our lack of knowing how we caused offence adds to our unsettled feelings. This sort of scenario also gives us a sense of helplessness.

Had we known about the other person’s perspective and experience about us things may not have gone on so far and become as difficult. That is, though we might not have liked what the other person told us, we may have been able to “nip things in the bud” and address matters earlier – before feelings escalated.

These are tough situations and it’s difficult at these times to make sense of why the other person didn’t let us know what we did or what we could have done differently. Perhaps they are afraid to share the problem as they see it; maybe they think things will change without saying anything; or they don’t want to risk offending us. These and other reasons may account for not sharing their views and needs, though not knowing does not provide us with the tools or strategies to know how to respond.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a conflict situation in which you wished you had known earlier what was ailing the other person before things evolved.

• What is the situation?
• What didn’t you know that you wished you had?
• What impact did not knowing have on you?
• What do you suppose precluded the other person from sharing this with you?
• If you had known, what would you have done differently?
• What difference would that have made to the relationship?
• What difference would that have made to the issues in dispute?
• When you have held back telling another person something to which they may react poorly, why did you do so?
• What difference might it have made to what evolved?
• What’s the learning here?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular last year. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted June 6, 2017):

It often seems that we carry a heaviness in ourselves – our hearts, our heads, our whole beings – when we are in conflict with another person. The intensity varies depending on the person, the situation, what was said, how it was said, and any number of other variables that influence the nature and amount of weight we continue to carry. This may be the case whether or not the conflict issues were resolved.

Even though we have trouble shedding the hold the conflict has had on us, we might try to resume the relationship anyway. Other times we ignore the other person, or act as if everything is okay though it isn’t. In any case, there is frequently an underlying hope that things will just get better and the angst will pass. It doesn’t always though.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a conflict about which you are carrying a weight.

• What is the situation?
• How would you describe the heaviness you are carrying?
• Where are you carrying it?
• How much would you say the heaviness weighs (in pounds, grams)?
• What does the weight feel like?
• If you were to throw out something that is especially heavy and useless to carry, what would be the first thing you would toss?
• What makes that useless (your answer to the previous question)?
• If you threw that heavy weight out, what weight would you be left with (in pounds, grams)?
• What are your unspoken hopes about the conflict?
• How might you make that happen (your answer to the previous question)?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular last year. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted May 23, 2017):

Interpersonal conflict tends to bring out parts of us we don’t really like. It may be our attitude, our mannerisms, what we say and how we say it, our facial gestures and so on. Sometimes we seem to replicate the way we saw a parent interact; other times we see the ‘child’ in us or the petulant teenager.

Since we generally learn how to manage conflict through our families of origin (we learn what not to do this way too), it is common that we default to patterns embedded way back when. Through trial and error, schools, peers, etc. we also learn other ways to “be” in conflict and not always effectively. There’s just no rule book!

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog explores who you become in conflict. It will help to consider a situation you can think of in which you know you transformed into a not-so-great version of you.

• What was the situation?
• Who did you ‘become’ in that interaction?
• In what ways?
• How might you describe the way of “being” you became in detail?
• What brought on that way of reacting? How is it a “default” reaction for you (if it is)?
• What did you like about who you became? What didn’t you like?
• How did the other person respond?
• How do you wish you had interacted instead?
• What precluded you from interacting that way (your answer to the previous question)?
• How might you prevent reacting in ways you don’t like about yourself in the future?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular last year. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted March 14, 2017):

It’s only recently that I heard the term “denialism”, defined by Wikipedia as:

“In the psychology of human behavior, denialism is a person’s choice to deny reality, as a way to avoid a psychologically uncomfortable truth.  In the sciences, denialism is the rejection of basic facts and concepts that are undisputed, well-supported parts of the scientific consensus on a subject, in favor of radical and controversial ideas.”

I am not sure why it’s a new word for me. In any case, taking the first sentence particularly, it is a good descriptor of what happens to many of us when we are in conflict. This may be evident, for instance, when we hold tightly to our position and do not let in the other person’s truth. We could be denying the situation is dire for us as a defense, i.e. to avoid facing the schism that has grown between us. Then again, we might be obstinate, unrealistic, overly optimistic, or any number of other traits that preclude us from acknowledging the reality of the conflict and its impact.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to look closely at a dispute you are having and check out the denialism that may be going on.

• What is the dispute about from your perspective?
• What might the other person say her or his perspective is on what’s going on between you?
• If a third person was listening to and watching you, what might her or his version be of what’s happening?
• What is the truth you are denying about the dispute?
• What compels you to deny that truth?
• What truth about you does the other person not know?
• What truth might she or he be denying?
• If you knew the other person’s truth (your answer to the above question), what difference might that make to you?
• If the other person heard your truth, how might that impact her or him? How might it impact on the outcome of the conflict?
• How does denying help you? How does denying not help you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?