It’s an understatement to say that our lives can change in a blink of an eye! The lack of predictability of everyday life and both the potential heart ache and the joys from the unexpected are always there. Yet, in general, many of us don’t consciously live, in anticipation of something bad or something good about to happen in our day- to-day lives. Having said that there are certainly many of us who, on a regular basis, worry about and anticipate worse case scenarios about a range of matters – with and without cause. There are also many of us who constantly live in hopes of best case scenarios even against all odds.

Optimistic versus pessimist personality types may, in part, explain our mindset and ways we cope and navigate our lives when -‘just like that’-something changes. And, of course, our mindsets can help or hinder now we react and to what extent we call on our inner resources or others to be able to manage the unexpected. This includes an unexpected conflict with someone!

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a conflict that erupted totally unexpected – much to your surprise and consternation – when answering the questions below. That is – seemingly out of nowhere- a friend, colleague, family member, boss (or anyone else)- engages you in a dispute about something you said or did that upset them and you had no idea this was brewing.

• What was the scenario when- just like that -you were faced with the realization that you had upset someone?
• What specifically did the person accuse you of saying or doing?
• If there is truth to their accusation(s) what are the truths?
• What motivated you at the time to act as you did or say what you did that upset the other person?
• What do you think the person misinterpreted about your actions or what you said?
• What did you observe was the impact on the other person?
• What – did you want that person to know that they ultimately seemed to understand? What didn’t they understand?
• What did you hear or glean about the nature of the intentions the person attributed to you (regarding what you said or did)?
• What do you want the other person to know that you don’t think they do?
• What mindset do you think helps to cope with this sort of situation?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

Two things that come to mind that many of us have challenges with when someone provokes us, are how to pause and to reflect when emotions are bubbling up inside us and we cannot really think straight – if at all. More often than not we react and regret. Something the other person says or does – or doesn’t say or do – sets us off and we spiral downwards. At these times – at some level of our consciousness – we perceive the other person is undermining us, challenging us, questioning us, even threatening us! Something we needed or expected from them is not forthcoming. Something feels unstable within us and around us. Something we trusted – about the other person or ourselves – feels elusive. Something scares us and knocks us off our equilibrium.  Many emotions take over – anger, disappointment, hurt, sadness, betrayal, shock, frustration, fear and so on.

Since we become upset and unsettled when conflicts occur, it is difficult at these times to PAUSE and find a way to get some distance – physical or emotional or otherwise. This also means we are unable to shift to the executive functions of our brains to REFLECT and contemplate the dynamic of what went on. At these times, we are overwhelmed with emotion and unable to think clearly and consider the places we go to in our minds and hearts with any objectivity. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an interpersonal dispute that has set you off and provides an opportunity to pause and reflect and see how that supports you as you figure things out.

• What’s happened between you and the other person that set you off?
• What specifically did the person say or do at that time?
• What had you expected from or hoped for that the other person didn’t deliver on?
• What is it about that (your answer to the previous question) you found most distressing?
• How did (do) you interpret the other person’s actions or words i.e. what do you think they intended?
• What did you say or do in reaction that contributed to the negative dynamic that evolved?
• What might they have expected from you or hoped for instead?
• What about your answer the previous question makes sense?  What doesn’t make sense to you?
• If you gave the other person the benefit of the doubt (that is, they didn’t intend to offend you) what else occurs to you to describe the negative dynamic that evolved?
• If the other person intended to offend you, in your estimation, how might you proceed in a way that will not give you sleepless nights?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

Not much happens when we or someone else mispronounces the word Worcestershire other than some laughs and attempts to correct someone or ourselves and say it properly. In fact, funny memes and snippets of people trying to say this word abound on social media.  But saying the words “I was wrong “ is also very hard for many people and the response is likely to be far from laughing. More likely the receiver would feel grateful, relieved and often surprised.

The reality is interpersonal conflicts can spin out of control and create lingering tension because one or more people in the dispute will not take responsibility for their wrongdoing that hurt, disappointed and offended the other person(s) and utter those three words – “I was wrong”!

In my conflict work, as a mediator and as a conflict management coach, I repeatedly hear and observe how difficult it is for many people to admit their mistakes and missteps. I’ve thought a lot about what makes it challenging for so many and I typically, engage my coaching clients in conversations about this very thing to see what reasons they might suggest and, what awarenesses may arise by discussing what happened.

In no specific order, common insights and reflections (some stated – some gleaned) I have heard include the following: shame to admit wrongdoing, a need to be right and ‘win’ and make the other person wrong (at some level of consciousness), resistance to letting go of a firmly-held position, embarrassment, fear of the other person’s reaction, pride, losing face, ego, and other reasons. Some people of course, do not believe they did or said something wrong and may blame the other person and their sensibilities. Some say they have no idea why they won’t admit to the other person that they did or said something wrong even when they own that they did. In this regard, it is evident that some realize they have a pattern of holding onto what they are asserting rather than ‘giving in’ by admitting they are wrong.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a current interpersonal dispute in which saying “I was wrong” is difficult for you – in a situation when you know you were.

• What is the dispute about?
• What did you say or do that you know was wrong in that interaction?
• In what ways do you think you were you right?
• How did/does your wrong acts or words impact the other person? How are they impacting you?
• What are the possible reasons you will not admit you were wrong? (considering the list in the above blog for possible reasons)
• What do you suppose the other person might think your reasons are?
• What fears might you have about saying, “I was wrong”
• What do you lose by admitting you were wrong? What might you gain?
• What’s the worst case scenario if you say “I was wrong” to the other person in your conflict?
• What’s the best-case scenario?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

When we are provoked by something someone says or does there is a moment of choice when we could mess things up or we could save them from messing up!

How to respond – rather than react – at these times is a choice, though it doesn’t necessarily feel like that. Our gut instincts, our heart and emotions, our mind, our bodies, our faces get engaged in some way or another and our sense of reason gets lost as we express our reaction in any number of ways.  Essentially, when we become embroiled in the emotional reaction we are experiencing and our sense of reason is compromised we do not typically consider we have a choice but to react spontaneously – often to our detriment – but, not always.

Let’s consider the good, the bad and the ugly of reacting quickly. The good thing is, our strong and first reactions may be the most honest ones.  They might best reflect the degree of hurt we are experiencing about the other’s offensive behaviour.  It might say – literally – what needs to get said that we have till now hesitated to express. These and other reasons support reacting with whatever comes to us!

And then there are those not so good reasons to react in the moment we are offended. One of the reasons is we may have misinterpreted what was said. We may not hear through what is happening for the other person that is important to them. We may not hear something that would be good for us and the relationship. We may cause the other person extreme hurt – with a quick unthoughtout reaction – and cause prolonged dissension.

Then, to name a few uglies – we might have missed the point and escalate a dynamic to ridiculous heights. We may be reacting to historical provocations that are unrelated to the dynamic between us and the other person. Another possibility is we might act and speak in such a strong and destructive way that the relationship ends altogether. We may agonize for a long period afterwards and experience ongoing and unreconcilable shame and self-blame and regret.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider the choices you had about an interpersonal dispute in which you reacted quickly (this is a dispute  you already experienced and are revisiting to consider the good and the bad and the ugly of it) .

• What was that dispute about?
• To what did you strongly react?
• How would you describe your reaction?
• What do you consider good about your reaction at the time?
• What do you consider bad about your reaction?
• What was ugly about your reaction?
• At what point did you have a choice in how to react?
• What reasons do you suppose you chose that reaction at the time?
• If you think you didn’t have a choice why would that be the case?
• If you had to do it over again- knowing what you know now – what other choices regarding your responses might have served you and the relationship better?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

With the discovery of mirror neurons in the early 1990’s, many scientists came to realize that we understand others not by thinking, but by feeling their experience. That is, mirror neurons let us not only “simulate” others’ actions. They also let us reflect the intentions and emotions behind those actions. For example, when we see someone smile our mirror neurons for smiling become activated in response, too, creating a sensation in our own mind of the feelings we associate with smiling.

When I became aware of this concept early on in my conflict management coaching practice, I also became more mindful about how I show up and the ways I might impact the many interactions I engage in with family, friends, coaching clients and so on. I observed more how others influenced me with their perceived moods, bodily and facial language, tone of voice and so on. I paid more attention to what I had sensed for a long time- a tendency to interpret and read into others’ ways of interacting. I found too that my interpretations were not always accurate, and this is when assumptions creeped into the picture. Luckily, this discovery and awareness resulted in me becoming more careful to check out what I am experiencing, to ask more questions and not rely on my own lens to interpret what I am observing and sensing.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog considers how we experience one another when in conflict and how we can set ourselves up for the conflict dynamic in ways that have an impact on the interrelationship – positively and negatively. Since we embody and convey energy it is a matter of holding up a mirror and reflecting what we attract and how we can be a magnet for good means and for not-so-good ones, too.

When responding to this set of questions, I suggest that you consider a situation in which you encountered negative emotions coming from someone with whom you are in dispute or it’s evident one is brewing:

• What is the situation?
• What is it you are sensing from the other person?
• From what specifically are you picking up those things (your answer to the above question) such as their tone of voice, body and facial language etc.?
• What is the impact on you?
• What do you suppose you are assuming about the other person including their intent?
• What might you be conveying to the other person through your facial language? Through your words and tone? Through your body language?
• In what ways are you conveying those messages (your answer to the previous question)?
• What sorts of negative interpretations might the other person be making about you based on what they are picking up?
• What might the other person do or say to shift the dynamic to a more positive one through their words, tone of voice, body and/or facial language?
• In what ways may you choose to influence the dynamic more positively through your words, tone of voice, body and/or facial language?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?