“Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear your path.” Paul Coelho

This is one of my favourite conflict quotes. One of the reasons is that I have found the message to be true in more than one interpersonal conflict I have faced, and in those of my coaching clients trying to find their way through the morass of conflict.

I recall a situation with a friend I trusted and cared about deeply. I felt a kinship that was matched by few others in my life till then. I was grateful for how easy it was to be together, to talk endlessly, to share, to weep, to laugh, to just be. It was therefore a shock for me when this trusted friend blamed me for things I could not grasp or understand as they sounded so unlike who I am (or at least think I am). There was no warning that things were amiss – and then, no explanation that would give me an idea of what it was I did or said that lead to conclusions that made no sense to me.

When I attempted to get some answers I ended up being ‘ghosted’ and somehow I became the brunt of their anger. I did a lot of self-searching and all I seemed to have been able to come up in my state of mind was self-blame. Lack of information and the opportunity to talk things through and better understand what happened precluded the clarity I needed to reconcile what occurred- even if there was no hope of mending things. It took a while for me to face, sadly, that I had misperceived and misjudged this person I called friend and the connection I thought we had. That alone upset me as I am usually fairly perceptive.

In the end, after agonizing over losing someone I thought was a dear friend and feeling betrayed, the path cleared and I faced the fact that I will not always get the answers I need and want, that some people are not what they appear or pretend to be, that self-blame is a waste of time, that it is important to have conversations with those close to me about our respective needs and expectations, that what we need and want may not be compatible with someone else’s. It was a hard path and the lessons learned did not come easily, and the storm ultimately cleared the way.

Now it’s your turn. When you think of an outcome of a dispute with someone close that, in the end, cleared your path consider the following questions in this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions). I found them helpful in my own experience and hope they may be helpful for you, too:

• What was the storm that happened between you and a person you cared about that ended up in a schism between you?
• How would you describe the path the two of you were on in your relationship before that occurred?
• What did that person say or do that changed- for you – the way you though you two were connected?
• What is most hurtful for you now that you reflect back on this situation?
• How did the storm between you disrupt your life?
• In what sorts of self-blame did you engage?
• If you had the opportunity to speak to the other person again what might you say?
• What might you say or do differently if faced with the same set of facts or similar ones in the future (with someone else)?
• What lessons have you learned that you will carry forward?
• In what ways has the path forward been cleared for you as a consequence of that dispute?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

The former U.S. Justice – Ruth Bader Ginsburg – or RBG as she was affectionately called – shared much wisdom over her years – both legally and personally. This particular quote applies to many aspects of our lives and this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog considers its relevance to interpersonal conflicts.

What often happens in our disputes with some long term friends and family members is that we tend to superficially resolve disputes – to “keep the peace”. We reach some sort of reconciliation but, we don’t necessarily feel things are really resolved. Maybe, even though we want to stop the acrimony and negativity between us, we don’t know what it will take. Maybe, we are tired of fighting about the same old issues but, become used to the state of mind and heart we are left with even if we don’t like it. Maybe, we feel hopeless and don’t think anything will change the habitual ways of relating and patterns set up over time and so on.

These and other reasons can keep us from truly feeling we’ve spoken our truth – and heard the other person’s.

Considering RBG’s quote here it typically takes one step at a time to change our patterns and create enduring, more healthy ways of being in conflict.  And it is suggested here that, as you answer the questions for this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog, you consider  an ongoing dispute pattern/issues to see if any questions help shift your thinking about the ongoing dynamic you really don’t like to create, be in, perpetuate.

• How might you describe one ongoing issue or way of relating that you don’t like about the conflict dynamic between you and another person?
• What do you most dislike about how you interact with them?
• What do you most dislike about how they interact with you?
• What is the truth you haven’t told the other person?
• What is the fear behind not speaking that truth?
• What is real about that fear that you know for sure? What don’t you know for sure about the validity of what you fear?
• What might the other person’s truth be that remains unspoken?
• What might that person fear about sharing their truth?
• What do you want to make happen so that you feel better about the relationship and way of interacting?
• If there is one step you’d be willing to make to begin to change the dynamic to be more what you’d like what might that be?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

“Whatever it is. Forgive Yourself. You did your best. Let it go.” Will Bowen

I must admit – when I first read this quote, I thought about a dispute I had with a friend and said to myself –“Yes, I did my best”. But on second thought, as I replayed over and over the conflictual conversation, I agonized a long time about what I should have said differently, about what they said that hurt me, about how a friendship I believed in as solid could have been on such wobbly ground. I engaged in endless pondering about the person’s meanness (not a trait I would have attributed to them before that), what I missed or misjudged about our relationship and the ways I contributed to the dynamic that led to the sad result- the end of the relationship.

It wouldn’t be the first time that I found myself in a situation in which I had trouble reconciling a dispute that occurred between another person and me.  In other cases, too, dear friends supported me and (as I hoped, of course) by doubting the other person’s integrity, compassion, honesty etc. Many would make comments to the effect  “I’m sure you did the best you could do (or knew how) at the time.” I came to believe that was the case and it was comforting to think this way. However, in retrospect I have come to question what my best self could have done differently in situations in which I continue to question what occurred – wondering too, why the other person chose to act as they did, etc.. When I think about the specific situation I mentioned above now, I realize I have forgiven myself. Though, in the end, I didn’t do or say what would have been best for me to truly let it go much earlier. I wonder if this sort of thing has happened to you, too?

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an interaction where there is a dichotomy between forgiving yourself and believing you did your best.

• What was the situation? What did you say or do that you regret?
• If you have forgiven yourself for something you said or did in this conflict that was hurtful or otherwise caused the other person pain, how did you get to that point?
• If you have not forgiven yourself, how come?
• If you could say you have now let go of the conflict now- what did you let go of?
• If you haven’t let go, what are you holding onto?
• What would the best you have done differently, if there was something else you wished you had done or said that reflects the best version of yourself?
• If you have forgiven yourself but not let go, why is that do you think?
• If you have let go but not forgiven yourself, why is that so do you think?
• If you think both forgiving yourself and letting go is important to be able to move on, how might you rectify the part that remains undone?
• If you think both forgiving yourself and letting go is not necessary in this particular dispute or other disputes what is that about for you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

A meme with this saying on it came up one day on my Instagram feed and I was struck by my reaction to how this message was conveyed – so vividly. It isn’t a new message to those of us who work in the field of conflict management and other disciplines who work with people in emotional pain about the internal and external conflicts they bring to us that have their roots from childhood experiences. And it won’t be a new message to those who have experienced traumas in their personal or professional lives.  And it won’t be a new message to those of us who reflect on repeated behaviours that do not serve us well ourselves, and we realize we are repeating unhealthy patterns that have become part of how we cope with conflict.

It is common for many of us to carry around unresolved hurts from broken family or personal and professional  relationships, childhood or adult trauma, unreconciled issues from our upbringing and so on, if we have not had help to do the work of healing. The experiences that stay with us – that we continue to hold onto and play out – are ones that show up in a range of ways that can be destructive and impede our ability to maintain healthy relationships with some people. We may react to and treat these people from this negative frame of reference though the same dynamics do not necessarily apply.

To do the work properly it usually requires psychotherapeutic interventions. And by seeking help we are better able to gain perspective and find ways to move forward without repeating the same patterns. One of those patterns may be to find fault with the person in front of us in certain situations when in fact, the challenges we are facing stem from past relationships and experiences that remain unresolved, unhealed, painful.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog focuses on an interpersonal dispute in which you are or have engaged – one in which you think or know your reaction was not specific to the other person and the dynamic between you. Rather, your way of defending yourself and reacting reflected old wounds that remain unhealed. To do so I suggest you bring to mind a recent interpersonal dispute in which you know you bled on the person who didn’t cut you. NOTE: This blog and its questions are not a psychotherapeutic intervention by any means. It is a way to develop some insights you may not already have.

• What is the recent interpersonal dispute about?
• In what ways did this situation raise old issues for you?
• What specifically are those issues (if you didn’t name them in response to the above question)?
• In what ways did you bleed on the other person that is related to the old wound? How did the person respond?
• How did past unresolved thoughts about the person in your old situation impact how you thought about the person in the more current dispute?
• What unresolved feelings about the other person also leaked into this more current dispute as to how you perceive the other person?
• What behaviours, reactions etc. do you know, with some confidence, that you are repeating?
• What don’t you understand as yet about how and why you are repeating a pattern that doesn’t work for you? What do you understand with some certainty about the repeated pattern?
• What do you think needs to be healed?
• How will you go about the healing process?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

Just a few things I wish for: that world peace and climate control are truly possible (and that leaders around the world work together to make it happen), that people are kinder to one another, that leftover fries taste just as good warmed up, that pets live longer – and, well, I could go on. Sounds fanciful, right? One of my other wishes – more pertinent to this Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog – is that we learn, beginning as toddlers, how to interact in healthy ways when there is conflict between us and other people and that we accept that interpersonal disputes are a normal and inevitable part of our lives.

My conflict management coaching practice is full of clients wanting to do conflict better and I know many friends and family members who also report this desire. I, like you I expect, am a life-long learner – trying to be better at many things including how to engage effectively in conflict- with competence and confidence! I acknowledge it’s hard and that being better at conflict – doing it well – requires us to know how and when to stand up, when and how to stand down, how to respond from a place that shows self-awareness, compassion, self-respect, kindness, honesty, dignity,  and a willingness to hear and connect about our differences.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog challenges you to consider how you would like to do better when it comes to engaging in conflict. To do so, I suggest you bring to mind an interpersonal dispute you know you didn’t do very well.

• What is/was the dispute about?
• What did you say or do in that conflict that you realize was not very effective, kind, smart, compassionate, etc.?
• What impact did you observe or hear regarding the other person’s experience of what you said or did?
• Thinking about it now, what specifically would you have said or done differently if you had it to do over again?
• If a close and caring friend observed you in that conflict about what might they be surprised (disappointed) considering how you interacted?
• What makes being more effective in conflict most difficult for you?
• What are 5 things you would like the people with whom you are in conflict say about how you engage in it i.e., what characteristics would you like them to attribute to you?  What would you like to be able to say about yourself and how you engage in conflict that reflects the better version of you?
• In what ways are your answers different in the two previous questions if they are?
• What would it take for you to think more highly of yourself when it comes to how you engage in conflict?
• Looking back on the same dispute you started with here (first question) what are the three learnings you have gained from answering the questions here so far?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?