Interpersonal conflicts are part of life, and we can resolve them if we put our minds to it 

Some interpersonal conflicts are irreconcilable

As much as we might want to resolve our interpersonal conflicts there’s no shame in facing the fact that some situations and relationships are not reconcilable. And even when there appears to be a resolution of our differences, it doesn’t mean we are at peace – internally.

In many conflicts I hear about from my coaching clients , and in my own experience, there is  the palpable need,  desire,  hope or the expectation that matters will be resolved – whether it’s with a partner, co-worker , boss, direct report, neighbour, friend and so on. In some cases though clients realize and I myself have faced the reality that the wound being experienced is too deep to be mended, that the relationship is beyond repair, that the connection has been lost.  This may be as a consequence of the extent to which deep values are being undermined, or that the other person’s betrayal is too egregious, or that their treatment of us is totally unacceptable and many other such reasons.

It doesn’t mean we accept this reality with ease, of course. We may spend time and energy trying to make things right, take on the responsibility of the breakdown in the relationship, engage in self-blame and otherwise put our energy into salvaging what has been lost.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a dispute you are in and questioning whether it is really reconcilable, and even whether that is the hope – any longer.

• What happened between you and the other person?
• What do you think makes things irreconcilable between you two?
• What were you hoping the outcome might be?
• What, if anything, do you want to preserve from the relationship?
• What are you realizing you don’t want from the relationship anymore?
• What do you want to feel about yourself that you don’t feel right now?
• What might the biggest loss be for you if things remain irreconcilable?
• What will you gain if things cannot be reconciled?
• What might the biggest loss be for the other person?
• What will you think about yourself – if you decide things are not reconcilable – that will give you peace?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

I found this picture to be so poignant. It made me think of how combustible interpersonal disputes can be – literally – and how the toxicity and negativity can spread so easily. And the spread is not just to the other person in the dispute. But, it is also to anyone who might be near, who might overhear the heated exchange, who might listen reluctantly or even with interest as the people in dispute convey what happened in their perceptions, or it might be anyone else who is otherwise impacted by the dispute.

If we know or learn when and how to step away from escalating conflicts and the “fire” that goes along with them, the chances are we not only curtail the spread of the negativity and irreconcilable damage. We are also able to regain our composure so that we can address the situation with calm and dignity that escape us when we don’t step away from the flames of the dispute. This is whether or not we initiated it in the first place.

In some cases we might need to walk away altogether and not revisit or try to reconcile matters. In other cases, we walk away temporarily as we regain our equilibrium and reflect on how we want to proceed. In either case, there is power in staying in the part of our brain that removes ourselves from the burning words and the atmosphere they create to decide on what we want to do about the dispute.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an escalating conflict you are experiencing as you answer these questions and ponder the power of stepping away.

• What are the flames of the dispute all about from your perspective?
• What are the flames about, as far as you can tell, from the other person’s perspective?
• What are you experiencing right now about this dispute?
• Who else is becoming impacted by the dispute?
• What are the advantages to you of stepping away at this point in time? What are the disadvantages of stepping away?
• What sort of power are you experiencing in this dispute that you want or need to get what you are fighting for (and therefore want to fight it out rather than step away)?
• How is that power supporting and helping you make your point, win over the other person, etc.? How is the power you have not working?
• What power might you gain by stepping away temporarily?
• What might you gain by stepping away altogether on the basis that the relationship is not one you wish to continue?
• What would help you step away in either case if you think it’s the optimal option for you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.” Lewis Carroll

This quote applies to just about anything really but, this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog is all about those inter-relational disputes that seem to be sustaining themselves on something unidentifiable – with no resolution in sight. Negative feelings linger and the relationship is strained and the unrest and tension simmers. At these times there is also a knowing sense of incompletion that can add to that tension and create even more.

There aren’t clear reasons to explain every unresolved dispute. It might be things that were said that sting deeply and the sting sticks; it may be things that weren’t said that needed to be said; it may be the realization that the relationship is suffering with no idea of what will help reconcile things; and it may be the reality that the relationship is beyond repair. These and other reasons can keep the conflict alive in its own way and the sense that reconciliation does not feel possible. These things weigh heavily and have an impact on our day to day lives.

Another reason that conflicts can continue to maintain their hold is that one or both (all) people have no real idea of what they are feeling about the dispute, what they want to have happen, what will change the road they are on, what changes would reconcile matters, or at least find a way to feel less angst about the conflict dynamic and the mess remaining behind. With no idea how things may get reconciled or a way to alleviate the pain and move forward nothing happens. So, it’s a matter of finding the road.

For the set of questions here I invite you to consider a dispute that is lingering, and you are feeling lost with no plan of how to make things better.

• What is the dispute about?
• What remains unresolved for you?
• What is that feeling like for you?
• What do you suppose remains unresolved for the other person?
• What do you suppose they are experiencing about the conflict?
• What would you like to see happen? What makes that important to you?
• What do you think the other person wants to have happen? What makes that important to them do you think?
• What common ground do you two share in regards to this conflict?
• What sort of plan can you think of that will start the journey to reconciling your differences?
• What may need to happen to make the plan mutually satisfactory if you want it to be?
• What clarity do you need to have to move forward? What do you need to feel to move forward? What do you need to do?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

As has been my tradition, I like to share with you my Conflict Resolutions each year. So, these are for 2024! Admittedly, though many resemble those from the past few years I think I am finally getting some things right!

1. This year I will honour and appreciate our differences.
2. This year I will remember we have lots of room in our hearts to love more and to love more deeply.
3. This year I will cherish my family and my friends and colleagues even more and continue to tell them how grateful I am for who they are and all they do.
4. This year I will listen with even more compassion, kindness and love.
5. This year I will approach my interpersonal conflicts with increased humility, thoughtfulness, patience and openness.
6. This year I will be true to myself and acknowledge that others strive to be true to themselves, too.
7. This year I will welcome others to speak their truth and not judge them for doing so. I will be grateful if they listen to mine without judgement.
8. This year I will learn from my mistakes.
9. This year I will reach out, even more, to give support for those in need.
10. This year I will do more to build peace – one person at a time.

Sending you and yours my warmest regards and may your 2024 be full of joy and peace and good health and love.

Cinnie Noble, CINERGY® Coaching
www.cinergycoaching.com

See also: Three New Year’s Compassion Resolutions for Less Drama

I have to admit I felt sadness when I read this quote.

I expect you too, have had interpersonal disputes that occur in your life for which you expected an apology that didn’t materialize. The reality that it may never be can cause us much grief and much anger, too. It can fill us with all sorts of other feelings – deep regret, loss, shame, feelings of betrayal and pervasive emptiness. We might experience confusion and self-blame – wondering how we could have been so wrong about the other person. The anger is often not only at the other person but, at ourselves. We may agonize for all sorts of things – replaying the scenario over and over and knowing we cannot take back things we said or did. These and the many other emotional and even, physical repercussions remain in our hearts and mind when our hope for an apology remains unspoken.

What makes the unmet need for an apology even worse is that in many cases an apology does or would not heal the indelible scar that remains. It isn’t enough. Healing remains elusive. And we realize the real work to be done is to identify what we need to truly heal us and even, to accept that the scar might never be erased. Whether the roots of the scar go back in time, whether they are related to the other person in this dispute or someone else, whether the layers are too deep to count…

At times I have hoped for an apology – ones that may be enough and ones that wouldn’t be –  I have found it helpful to ask myself some questions such as these in the week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog. I invite you to consider a situation when you haven’t received an apology you hoped for – and you are wondering if one will happen – and you also know at some level of consciousness that it may not be enough.

• What happened between you and the other person?
• What was the hardest part of that conflict for you?
• What part would you like to do over (things you might say or do differently)?
• What did that person say or do for which you feel an apology is warranted?
• How might you describe the impact you are experiencing – emotional, physical, etc. – regarding your answer to the previous question?
• For what might the other person be sorry regarding the dispute you had – if you think they may regret what they said or did?
• If the person was to apologize what would you hope they would say?
• Would that be enough? If not, what would be?
• How would an apology heal about what occurred? What might remain unreconciled for you regarding the dispute even with an apology?
• What needs to heal for you that would not be healed by an apology in this conflict?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?