“Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means.” ~Albert Einstein

It’s not always apparent to the leaders referred to me for conflict management coaching that their way of managing and engaging in interpersonal disputes is having an adverse influence on workplace unrest and tensions. They are often not aware as well, how staff in their organization contribute to this by modelling the leader’s way of interacting and creating their own tumult and deconstructive impact on the workplace. Referrals for leaders to shift their ways of being in conflict arise as a consequence of  this and  the systemic growth of conflict resulting in financial losses due to attrition, legal claims about harassment and bullying, the need for a range of costly interventions, and a poor reputation leading to clients choosing other services.

On the other hand, I am increasingly finding that leaders are self-identifying their challenges and seeking coaching – that is, coming to coaching of their own accord when, or even before, conflict problems are evident. Some are being proactive for the organization as a whole. They accept that conflict is inevitable and look to plan ways that conflict may be ‘normalized’. This might include developing integrated systems and processes to prevent unnecessary conflict and to manage necessary conflict. Leaders also pay attention to their own contribution, and accept that their influence is a critical component of the dynamics needed to build a culture of conflict competence.

The same leaders it appears, from my experience, are more apt to face their own symptoms that are keeping them from being conflict competent. For instance, they may be find their tempers are escalating and they are interacting in ways that shut people down or exacerbate the tensions; they might have been told their way of communicating is problematic – sharp, patronizing, critical and so on; they may be continually demonstrating defensive behaviour; they may refuse to listen and hear what is going on around them and so on. When leaders admit they have a responsibility to improve their way of managing conflict they stand a good chance of stopping the message they have previously sent that says ‘you are allowed to act like this too!’

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites leaders and others, of course, to consider how you influence others by the way you engage in conflict – considering the ways you know you need improvement as to not negatively influence others.

• How might you describe the way conflict is managed in your organization?
• What works best now about how people in the organization generally manage conflict? What isn’t working?
• What conflict behaviours do you currently have that work well?
• What conflict behaviours do you yourself engage in that you know are counterproductive? From where do you learn and develop those particular behaviours?
• How does it feel for you when you are demonstrating those unproductive behaviours?
• What sort of fall-out have you experienced or observed by or among others as a consequence of interacting in the ways you described as counterproductive?
• If you have observed others interact in similar ways as you described about yourself, what is your impression of them?
• How might you describe the traits you would like to develop or strengthen – to be able to  set an example of conflict competence – and which will positively  influence others to model?
• Please consider one of those competencies at this time. Since you have a choice about how you interact, what do you think you need to do to consciously shift your way of communicating to develop that? How will that influence others when that becomes a trait of yours?
• What does it feel like to consider you are ‘at choice’ about how you manage conflict and with practice are able to strength your conflict competence?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution

Recently, a coaching client (I’ll call her Jane) retained me after her attempt to mend matters between herself and her co-worker (I’ll call her Martha) was unsuccessful. Jane told me that the relationship seems to have deteriorated all the more since she initiated an unsuccessful conversation with Martha and it’s now having an impact on other team members.

When we first spoke about this matter Jane’s words were, “My ‘Plan A’ was to have a conversation with Martha in hopes we could resolve our issues. I didn’t expect there would be a need for ‘Plan B.” I get that. That is, we don’t typically think we need to have several plans in place in many situations we encounter – when trying to address a matter – if one doesn’t work. It more often makes sense to us, at the time, to go with what seems the right thing to do under the circumstances. Then, if that doesn’t work we are faced with the question of ‘what now?’ That can feel daunting and we face the answers with less confidence and hopefulness.

In this situation, the other plans beyond ‘A’ that Jane is now considering contemplate the outcome she wants and what might suit Martha. That in itself has been a pivotal exercise for Jane. Her options about what actions to take, whether or not things work out, include trying another conversation with a different approach, writing Martha and asking what she (Jane) can do to mend things, going to their boss, carrying on in hopes things might get better on their own, and she even put asking for a transfer and leaving her job on the list. Jane didn’t want to do the last options but, she said she felt better considering many options as ‘plans’. Her thinking was that it helped her gain a better perspective – that she had more choices – if they are unable to come up with a mutually acceptable plan going forward.

Most importantly, Jane got clearer on what she wanted as an outcome and what might be important to Martha as an outcome before deciding on which approach might also suit them both.

For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog, please consider a conflict situation and what plans there might be to resolve matters.

• What is the situation?
• What is the outcome you want from this situation?
• What, if anything, have you considered so far as ways to reach this outcome? Or, if you have tried something already what was that?
• What outcome might the other person want that’s different from your desired outcome?
• Considering all the possible outcomes that might work for both of you what of these or other ones might work?
• What are the pros and cons of each of the above outcomes for you?
• What are the pros and cons of each of those outcomes for the other person?
• What outcome can you live with if not the best one?  What outcome might they be able to live with?
• Where is the common ground, if any, between you and the other person?
• What is the optimal way of getting there?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution

“Nothing produces such odd results as trying to get even.” (Franklin P. Jones)

What does it mean to ‘get even’?  Simply defined – using the word retaliate – it is “to hurt someone or do something harmful to someone because they have done or said something to hurt you.”

I have noticed in my work as a conflict management coach that a tendency to retaliate is not an uncommon way for many when reacting to being offended. Over time, I have coached people who retaliate and coached clients on the receiving end of retaliation. It is, to me, a complex reaction that is likely rooted in, among other things, what people learn growing up about how to defend themselves. I am coming at this as a coach and conflict specialist and so, I’m basing information on my observations in that capacity and not delving into the possible psychological reasons to explain this way of managing conflict.

Why do people retaliate? Clients have shared a range of reasons about why they try to get even. The main general impetus – as in the above definition – has to do with getting back at someone for what they said or did to offend them. How we experience being offended – that spurs us on to retaliate – is subjective and the reasons endless. Whatever the offense and the degree to which it hurts, people who retaliate just want the person to ‘pay’ for doing so. What that means in terms of retaliatory deeds is equally as variable as what hurts us.

How do people retaliate? I have heard many ways about how people retaliate, too. Here are a few examples, also from the workplace context, of how people ‘get back’. It may be by not giving someone a promotion or opportunity, not letting someone talk in a meeting, ignoring and not including them in conversation, gossiping about them, telling lies about them, influencing others to push back their ideas and efforts, bullying, not giving good references, and so on. Again, there is an endless list of retaliatory actions.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider the questions below if you are someone who tends to get back at someone who offends you. Understanding the motivation is helpful to be able to make a shift in that approach if you realize that it is an unproductive response.

• What is one example of a situation when you got back or tried to get back at someone?
• What motivated you to do so?
• Why is that important to you (your answer to the above question)?
• How might you describe the feelings you were experiencing about the other person before you retaliated?
• How did your efforts – to get back – succeed?
• How did that feel for you to get back at that person?
• What was the impact on the other person?
• How did the other person respond to you?
• If your efforts to get back at the person didn’t succeed what happened? What was the learning in this?
• What doesn’t work for you about choosing retaliation as a way of managing situations such as you described in this situation? What options might be more productive?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution

We hope you will attend the INAUGURAL CONFLICT COACHING SUMMIT starting September 9! There will be 6 fabulous speakers every 2 weeks presenting on conflict management coaching concepts! All proceeds will go to Mediators Beyond Borders International and Peacebuilders International! www.conflictcoachingsummit.com