One of the reasons many of us back away from conflict or yield to the other person is because we fear our truth – the truth of what we have to say and are feeling – will hurt the other person. We might fear they will react in a way we will not be able to handle. We may think they will end the relationship or retaliate somehow.

As a consequence of these fears and others, we may tend to sugar-coat our feelings, lie a little, dismiss the importance, make light of the situation and our feelings, change the subject quickly, and a host of other responses. When we hide our feelings and are not being true to ourselves we often end up hurting ourselves. We feel dishonest, inauthentic, sad, dissatisfied, unfulfilled, unresolved and we may fall into self-blame and other destructive feelings that serve no purpose – other than more of these sorts of emotions that tend to keep us immobilized.

Telling the truth is not always the easiest thing to do, of course, when whatever we fear keeps us from doing so. The fears may become even larger because we know our voices will quiver and getting the message out will be difficult – we might think impossible.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider a truth you need and want to express though you fear your voice may shake or you won’t communicate as effectively as you want.

• What is the situation?
• What is your truth that you want to express to the other person regarding this conflict ?
• What’s most important to you about that truth that you want the other person to hear?
• What has kept you from expressing that truth – such as, what are your fears about the other person’s reaction?
• What is working for you by not raising this truth?
• What is not working for you besides the fact that the other person doesn’t know what you have to say?
• What is the best result that could happen if you voice your truth?
• If you don’t express your truth what then?
• If your voice shakes or you otherwise converse in a way that shows you are uncomfortable why does that matter?
• What matters most – speaking the truth even if it’s in a shaky voice or not stating the truth?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution

“The bravest thing you can do is be unafraid to feel”- Bridgett Devoue

When we feel emotional about a conflict – hurt, anger, betrayal, disappointment, and so on – it is a clear sign that something important to us is being challenged or threatened or undermined. That might seem like an understatement. However, the importance of acknowledging what emotions we are experiencing and why cannot be overstated. That is, it’s important and brave to remain unafraid to feel what is going on for us at these times.

This is for many reasons, one of which is that when we step back – and identify the emotions and to what they relate – we gain a better understanding of what motivated our reactions and ongoing ruminations. Also, by taking some time and thinking things out a bit, we start to make a shift to reflection from reaction, which helps move us into a more productive mind set. That shift often facilitates the ability to gain a better perspective, including an understanding of what is motivating the other person. Or, at least, we might move into a better head space to be able to engage them in a conversation – rather than a confrontation – about what is going on between us.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an interpersonal dispute about which you are aware you are feeling afraid to let yourself feel or name your emotions about the other person, the situation or yourself.

• What is the dispute about?
• What three words describe what you are feeling about the other person?
• What three words describe what you are feeling about yourself?
• What are you afraid of feeling?
• What are you afraid of saying to the other person?
• What is the brave thing to do about the situation?
• What is the brave thing to say?
• What is the brave thing to feel about yourself?
• If you were to feel what you are keeping inside, what do you fear might happen?
• If you were to express what you are feeling how might that help?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution

For this week I thought I would bring back a blog that was very popular a few years ago. So, this one is from the archives:

The metaphor of an iceberg has commonly been used as a metaphor about conflict. This is on the basis that there are things above the surface that show themselves and then, there is all that is going on underneath. Compared to conflict, some things are obvious to the disputants (and often others) that reflect the dynamic between them, the issues in dispute, and other aspects of the existing dissension. These are above the water ‘line’.

Below the water line is much more. There are hopes, expectations, emotions, needs, values, beliefs, and other deeply held views and feelings. Our individual and collective histories that we bring to the issues in dispute are in the mass below the surface, too. While, for all intents and purposes, this underlying mass appears to be unnoticed or remains unspoken, it has an enormous impact on the interaction. Indeed, it is an integral part of the conflict and who we are within it, within ourselves, and within the relationship.

Yes, some things may be best left unexplored or untouched. However, without increased self-discovery of what is below the surface, we miss the opportunity to better understand and reconcile our motivations and expectations. And to consider what ought to be shared and discussed, and what needs to remain dormant to reach the optimum outcome.

For these Conflict Mastery Quest(ions), consider a conflict in which you see or feel that only the tip of the iceberg is showing itself.

• What about the conflict do you think is fully evident to you and the other person?
• What lies beneath that is evident for you but is not likely evident to the other person?
• What concerns you that may be going on for the other person that is not evident to you?
• What outcome do you want?
• Why is that outcome important to you?
• What do you want to leave below the surface?
• How will that help you reach the outcome you want?
• What is there to be gained for the other person if you leave that below the surface?
• What may the other person want to leave below the surface? Why do you suppose?
• Thinking about all this now, what needs to come to the surface to reach the optimum outcome – even though it may be challenging for you and/or the other person?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution

There are times many of us interact in ways we’re not very proud of. It may be because we are reacting to what someone is saying or doing. It may be because we aren’t  getting our way on something we wanted to have happen. It may be because we are hurt, angry, feeling betrayed, jealous, disappointed, trying to assert ourselves, getting pushback on something important to us that we value, and so on.

Interpersonal conflicts often bring out the worst in us and are when we act and react in ways that do not serve us well – reflecting ways we don’t want to be or be seen. We don’t always like ourselves at these times and it’s likely the other person in our interaction doesn’t like us either! Nor do others who observe us.

For some of us this does not matter. We like ourselves if we met ourselves anyway.  Others of us do not want to be perceived in ways that do not reflect characteristics that we take pride in. We do not like ourselves at these times. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an interpersonal dispute in which you interacted in a way or ways you didn’t like as you answer these questions:

• What was the dispute about?
• What did you want to have happen that didn’t?
• What did the other person say or do that was especially hard to hear, hurtful, upsetting etc.?
• As you look back on that situation – what about your answer to the last question resulted in you reacting in ways that you don’t like?
• How would you describe that reaction?
• When you think about it now, what do you prefer you had said or done that you would like?
• What got in your way of responding the way you prefer?
• If someone you care about observed you – during the time you reacted in ways you didn’t like – how might that person describe you and how you reacted?
• What would you prefer that same person would say about you and how you interacted in the conflict instead?
• What sorts of things might you do the next time you find yourself becoming provoked that would prevent you from interacting in ways you don’t like?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution