“Don’t find fault. Find a remedy.” (Henry Ford)

While Henry Ford’s quote might well apply to making cars and running a business, it also has application to our interpersonal disputes when one of the common things many of us do is find fault with the other person. Or, we find fault in ourselves. Fault-finding in either case is not a good use of our time and energy. Though, yes, we can learn from finding fault in ourselves – with how we handled a situation – if we use that learning to improve our conflict competency. This week’s blog touches on the tendency to blame in either case, and how we might consider finding a remedy instead.

Why do we find fault anyway? The reasons vary of course – depending  on the situation and other person and a host of other factors that may be leaning against us when we are faced with a conflict or initiate one. The other person may have let us down about a matter; we may want to take the attention away from our own bad behaviour; we are experiencing hurt, or feeling offended, betrayed, disappointed; our expectations, hopes and needs have been thwarted; a project didn’t work; we have a high opinion of ourselves, and lack respect for the other person or their efforts; and so on. These and many other possible reasons may result in a tendency to go to blame as a way of reacting. This isn’t to say that we overlook situations when someone has (or we have) done something blame worthy. (There are lots of situations that are unforgiveable and finding fault is a necessity.) The point in this blog is to consider – in our interpersonal disputes – whether finding a remedy – rather than fault – is a better use of our time and energy.

I suggest you bring two situations to mind – one in which you found fault with someone else and one in which someone else found fault in you – as you respond to this set of Conflict Mastery Quest(ions).

• What was the situation in which you found fault in the other person (what specifically did they say or do for which you blamed them)?
• What reasons might account for the person doing or saying what you just described? What other reasons might they offer that you aren’t including here?
• What was the outcome of the situation? How might you describe your preferred outcome?
• What would it take for you to let go of the fault you are finding with the other person?
• What possible remedies are (or were) there to the problem itself? What remedy do you want for the relationship?
• How might you go about making that happen (your answers to the above questions about possible remedies)?
• In what sort of circumstances did someone find fault with you? How does or did that feel? What part(s) of their fault-finding has some basis to it (them)?
• What might the other person want or need from you to be able to move forward instead of continuing to blame you?
• What sorts of remedies might you offer to this situation? What other ones might you be open to?
• What do you suppose it would take for you to raise the possibility of finding a remedy?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution

You may have heard the African proverb “Don’t look where you fall, but where you slipped”. In a similar vein, I recently posted a similar sentiment on Instagram (@cinnien) that read “I’ve learned so much from my mistakes. I’m thinking about making a few more.” Both sets of these words are comforting  to me – especially at those times I am kicking myself for things I said or did that offended someone, for not doing the ‘right’ thing in a situation, for making numerous errors at all sorts of things, for failing exams or losing a legal case, for not succeeding on a project, and so on. The reality is that unless we purposely make a habit of making mistakes and hurting others, we all slip.

When it comes to interpersonal conflicts, I expect that we have all said or done things or interacted in ways that have caused others hurt and upset. At times, we might be able to justify our own actions and words – being a way we stood up and defended ourselves from others’ poor behaviour towards us. At other times, we know we stepped over a boundary and feel very badly about that. We might ruminate and wonder what to do, and the feelings of unrest, guilt, shame and self-blame remain in our consciousness for long durations.

We can, of course, learn from our mistakes and likely, find more productive ways to engage in conflict when our buttons are pushed. A lot of the time, it seems our brains stay in the negative place and it takes a huge effort to shift our mindset.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog  asks you to consider how to better manage the aftermath of an interpersonal conflict about which you continue to agonize, and see if you can shift your mindset to see whether it is really a slip and not a fall – perhaps, a mistake from which you have something to learn.

• What happened in that dispute?
• What did you specifically say or do that you know upset the other person?
• What motivated you to do so (your answer to the above questions)?
• What was the impact on the other person? What was the impact on you?
• What do you wish you had said or done instead?
• What precluded you from saying or doing that?
• How do you view what you said or did – as a slip or as a fall? For what reasons do you see it that way?
• For what do you want the other person to forgive you? For what might they want you to apologize? For what do you want to forgive yourself?
• How might you ‘brush yourself off’ and make the situation right at this point in time?
• What did you learn that you don’t want to repeat if faced with the same sort of situation in the future – with this person or someone else?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#proverb
#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution

One of the things I observe about some conflict management coaching clients is a tendency to try to resolve their disputes too quickly. I’ve done this myself and found that such attempts can often backfire. This is even if those of us who reach out too fast have resolution and positive intent motivating us. Other times the reasoning might be a matter of trying to move on so we can feel better and get past the high emotions and adverse impact on the relationship.

Whatever the intent may be for trying to resolve matters in a timely way, it isn’t always the case that the other person is ready. So, the above actions and others aimed at getting past the dissension may be experienced as far-reaching (in a negative way), too aggressive, unthinking and, generally, not the optimal approach.

Previous blogs have discussed the importance of methodical preparation when embarking on a difficult conversation. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog talks about methodical ways to move on from an interpersonal dispute by considering not only our readiness and intent but also, the other person’s. As in the photo here, one small step at a time is often the more prudent approach rather than trying to reach for something that’s not quite (yet) there.

To answer the questions below I suggest you consider a dispute you have had that ended poorly, and you want to resolve matters as soon as possible.

• What happened in this conflict between you and the other person? How did things end?
• How are you feeling about this conflict right now? What do you know about how the other person is feeling about things?
• What is motivating you mostly to resolve matters?
• What would resolution look like for you?
• What might the other person want as a resolution?
• How ready are you to resolve matters on a scale of 1-10, 10 being very?
• Where might the other person be on the scale, from what you know about them?
• If you don’t know the answer to the above question or the number is lower than yours, what might be a first step in determining their readiness?
• What else do you want or need to consider about trying to resolve matters before you proceed? What does this step involve that you haven’t contemplated yet?
• What value is there in going slowly – thinking out the steps and the other person’s possible responses before proceeding?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution