The relevance of this quote by Tuli Kupferberg to interpersonal conflict may not be immediately evident. But, through my work as a conflict management coach, and in my own experience, I am aware that we tend to get into patterns about how we react to things that provoke us. These patterns are the habits that become engrained in us. We might, for instance, have certain ‘hot buttons’ – things that other people say or do to which we routinely react. Something about those actions, or attitudes, or way of behaving and so on are irritants for us. It may be especially so when these sorts of behaviours are done by certain people or, it may even be by one person in particular.

In any case, how we experience being irritated by certain behaviours seems to bring on the same sort of reactions in us, and ways of interpreting and managing the situation and the other person. We might avoid or ignore the person, react with blame or call the person out in other ways. We may refuse to engage with them about the matter any more; we may try to justify our own words and actions; we may remain angry or whatever else we are feeling for indefinite periods. What is quite common is the tendency to attribute characteristics and motives to the person for doing what provokes us. These and other reactions are what I am referring here to as habitual. And this blog suggests that we can change the pattern – and when we do so new ways of interacting emerge.

From my coaching clients, I have found that one of the ways to make that happen is through increased self awareness about the habit and alternate ways of managing them. For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog then, I suggest you bring to mind a ‘hot button’ – something that someone does or says, or how they ‘act’ in your view, their attitude etc. to which you routinely react.

• What is the behaviour that provokes you – resulting in you feeling and reacting in much the same way each time?
• How might you describe the feelings you experience about the other person at these times? In what ways, more specifically, is your reaction commonly felt or experienced in these instances?
• To what do you attribute the person’s reasons for acting in the way you described in response to the first question?
• What of the above reasons are absolutely correct as far as you know? Which might be incorrect or for which you don’t have a sure basis? What other possible reasons may there be ?
• In interactions  when someone else does the same sort of thing – and you don’t react – what makes that dynamic between you different?
• What do you gain by reacting the way you do that has become a habit with certain people (or a certain person)?
• How might you prefer to feel at those times? How might you prefer to respond at these times? What makes these ways of feeling and responding not ones that come easily to you?
• To react differently, what do you suppose you might need to think about the other person(s) that you don’t feel now? What might you feel differently?
• What do you suppose you need to think and feel about yourself to change the habit?
• What might change for you in relationships with the people to whom you react – if you are able to change the habit?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
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#coaching
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#disputeresolution

This quote is an important one when it comes to strengthening our conflict competence. And I  think some of us lose sight of its meaning when we are in the midst of conflict. In typical fashion, when we and the other person have differing opinions about a matter, we each hold an opinion about what the optimum outcome is and how to reach it. We might remain civilized in our initial  exchange about what we each  want – to the extent that neither becomes overly aggressive with their perspectives. This may be the case  until we realize that the other person won’t back down from their opposition to our viewpoints. Then, as the conversation evolves and it looks as though things might not be resolvable, emotions start to take over and the chances of regaining some equilibrium decline.

We may begin to say things we later regret. We might begin to rail against how the other person is reacting and similarly, they call us out about our reactions. We might utter the useless “Just calm down!” and they react with the equally as useless – “You calm down!” Words exchanged might become louder and more emphatic and it becomes increasingly difficult to reconcile our differences. Our experiences of the interaction begin to overbear the actual disagreement and that too gets lost in the dynamic.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog is about the experience of conflict and how we might disagree with the other person’s perspective. And though each of our viewpoints may be ones with which we cannot agree – or don’t want to agree- each of our experiences is something that, in reality, we have no real way of opposing. With this in mind, consider a dispute in which you and the other person have or had differing opinions as you respond to this week’s questions.

• What is the situation about?
• Which or what opinion(s) does the other person not accept?
• If relevant, what reasons might account for the other person’s objection, besides that they have a differing opinion?
• Which or what of this person’s opinion do you not accept?
• If relevant, what reasons might account for rejecting their opinion besides you having a different viewpoint?
• How would you describe your experience of this dispute, i.e. what is the impact, how are you feeling about what is happening (or did happen)?
• What does the other person not realize or seem to understand about your experience with this dispute between you?
• How might the other person describe their experience – from what you observed or heard from them?
• What do you think you may not realize or understand about their experience of the dispute between you?
• What difference do you think it may make if you both understood each other’s experience of the dispute between you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
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#disputeresolution

This quote by Kimberly Johnson is a good one to consider when it comes to asking forgiveness, giving an apology, and otherwise trying to make amends. Previous blogs have discussed these topics and invited readers to examine apologies given and received from various vantage points. What I like about this quote is that, in many of my experiences, when I or the other person in our disputes has provided a reason for was said or did it lands poorly.

When reflecting on Johnson’s quote, there is definitely something about justifying ourselves – by making excuses for something said or done – that  detracts from apologizing. For me, it’s like giving with one hand and taking away with the other – a phrase my mother used to say about the same sort of thing. To a great extent, it seems to me that having to make an excuse when apologizing is not really being sorry for what was said or done. It also seems  that as long as the person delivering the message thinks they are right (even while they may be sorry they offended someone) the excuse given is more about them and their needs than tuning into the impact they have had on the other.

Thinking about this phrase – “never ruin an apology with an excuse” – if this rings true to you in some way – I invite you to consider a situation in which you are wanting to apologize to someone for something you said or did and for which you are sorry.

• What happened in the situation you have in mind?
• For what specifically do you want to apologize, i.e. something you said or did or didn’t say or do?
• For what reasons did you say or do that?
• If you are tempted to provide an excuse what precisely would it be?
• What is your rationale for providing an excuse?
• If the excuse you would give for what you said or did is not actually consistent with your rationale, what is that about for you?
• If you don’t make an excuse to explain yourself, what would that mean for you? What do you think the other person would not know about you that you want them to?
• What impact might it have on the other person, if you provided an excuse along with the apology?
• What do you think the other person wants to hear from you by way of an apology? How is your answer to the above question the same as that for which you want to apologize? How is it different?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

Gandhi said, “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it stands than to anything on which it is poured”. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog is about anger that often comes from our interpersonal disputes.  In previous blogs, it is usual that one of the questions has to do with the emotions being experienced as it usually helps to name what we are feeling, and it is common that a first response from many is the word anger. There is a lot of meaning behind this word and while it says a lot and we all likely understand its usage, there is more to say about the impact on us of feeling anger. So, we are going to explore the impact of anger in a bit more detail here – anger as an acid – as Gandhi describes it.

To start with, the word essentially means “a strong feeling of being upset or annoyed because of something wrong or bad” (Merriam-Webster https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/anger). When Gandhi refers to anger as an acid it adds another consideration to having feelings of anger  since the implication is that acid burns away at us; it’s toxic; it’s hurtful. And his quote tells us that it is us we hurt with our anger – more than  the other person.

When thinking about this I can think of many reasons why we and the other person are both hurt by our anger – both feeling it and being on the receiving end of it.  I was struck by the quote though as, on reflection,  ongoing anger that we feel might in fact, have bigger consequences for us than the other person at whom we are angry. I suggest you consider a dispute about which you have lingering anger when answering this week’s questions and see what you think for your experience of anger:

• What happened that resulted in you feeling anger?
• About what are you specifically angry regarding the dispute you had or are having with another person, i.e. what they said or did?
• About what might you be angry at yourself regarding this dispute?
• If you consider your anger is like an acid what does that mean to you?
• In what ways is it causing you harm?
• In what ways is your anger having a harmful impact on the other person?
• Who of the two of you is suffering most from your anger, do you think?
• Why is that (your answer to the above question)?
• What might relieve the anger for you?
• What might be different for you if you figure out a way to let go of your anger? What may be different for the other person? What might be different for the relationship between you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

Adlai Stevenson once said, “Man does not live by words alone, despite the fact that sometimes he has to eat them.” I smiled when I read this idiom some years ago because there are many times in my life that I have used the metaphor (saying “I want to eat my words”) when I have said something I wish I hadn’t. I seem to know right after I have said it too! I try to restrain myself if I find myself reacting to what is being said or done that I find upsetting, egregious, unfair, hurtful etc., particularly at times I haven’t yet processed what I am hearing (after all it might not be as bad as I initially think!). It doesn’t always work. There are some things we can’t take back.

I know I am not alone in saying what’s on my mind – especially  when feeling provoked – without ensuring we have the other person’s message clear and without thinking of the impact of our reaction. It seems, though, that when we react without some reflection we are just not thinking. We let the emotional part of our brain take over and the chances of getting to the thinking part of our brain diminish at these times. I have been on the receiving end of this way of managing conflict, too and it is unproductive in either case.

Sometimes I think quick and unthought-out reactions have to do with an inability to control and regulate emotions. Sometimes, I think it is sheer rudeness. Sometimes, I think it shows a lack of curiosity. Sometimes, I think it has to do with impatience or poor listening skills. These and other reasons might explain why certain things said or done end up in a quick and often hurtful reaction. Whatever the reason, it is a good idea, in the effort to become more conflict competent, to consider the words we don’t want to eat before we get sick from digesting them!

• When you consider a time that you wish you hadn’t said what you did – that lead to a conflict – what was the context ?
• What words do/did you want to eat ?
• What motivated you to say that?
• What emotions were you experiencing when you said that?
• How have you digested the words you said now?
• What impact did you observe or hear on the other person at the time? What lingering impact is there on you from what occurred? What might be lingering for the other person?
• What was the necessity of saying anything?
• What was the message you wanted to convey instead? What  was necessary about that message?
• What didn’t you know or understand at the time (about the situation or other person) that you do now?
• If you were to say anything now to the other person, what might it be?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution