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Speaking Your Mind

Posted on October 8, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

The expression on today’s blog – speaking your mind – means saying exactly what we think regardless of whether or not others will agree. The idea of doing so comes with boundaries for some of us, and we may not say exactly what is on our mind whether or not others will agree. That may be only one reason. Other reasons have to do with a fear of conflict and associated challenges discussed in a number of previous blogs. What other reasons occur to you?

A little anecdote about truth-telling occurred to me as I was focusing on this topic. I value honesty and try my best to live my life with truths. Some years ago I read a newspaper article entitled “Lie to me a Little” and I smiled then, and as I recall it, because in that article the author wrote about an interpersonal conflict and how she had wished the other person had not been so “brutally honest”.

One of the author’s points in that article was essentially that some messages can be conveyed without stating the full truth and that honesty is not always the best policy. That is, the writer of that article asked readers to consider whether it is necessary at all times to be totally honest, and that it may be a good idea to “lie a little” rather than risk causing hurt that is potentially irreparable. The writer qualified her comments by stating that there may be a necessity, at times – but not all the time – to say things “in all honesty” even though they hurt.

Speaking our minds may be considered an honest act and works for those of us who believe it is important to state what we believe and perceive and take the risks that go along with doing so. An important consideration to add is how we do so. Others of us might advocate censoring what is on our minds and saying only what we think is important to get our points across and that may not be totally honest. And then, there are others of us who do not disclose much of what we really want to convey in hopes we are heard in any case.

Considering situations when you have not spoken your mind or when someone has not done so to you, these ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may help to explore your sensibilities about this topic:

  • Generally-speaking, under what circumstances do you not speak your mind?
  • Considering one situation when you did not speak your mind, why did you choose not to?
  • What positive outcomes resulted for you from not doing so? What were not so positive outcomes for you?
  • What positive outcomes occurred for the other person by you not speaking your mind?
  • What opportunities may you have missed by not speaking your mind?
  • Generally-speaking, what, for you, are the most compelling reasons for speaking your mind?
  • When you have done so, what positive things have happened on two of those occasions? What not so positive things occurred?
  • When you discover others have not spoken their mind to you – by being totally honest – what do you think or feel about that?
  • Considering one of those situations, what different results may there have been if the other person had spoken their mind – by being totally honest?
  • What have you learned over time about the optimum ways to speak your mind (by your experience, observing others, etc.)?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Reactions | Leave a comment

Do Not Cut Off Your Nose to Spite Your Face

Posted on October 1, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

I always smile when I hear the expression titled in this week’s blog. It is meaty with metaphor and meaning. I first learned it many years ago. It was during a conflict that a friend was describing and wondering what to do about it. Another of our friends said, “Whatever you do, don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.” I got what it meant within the context of what was being shared and the friend in conflict conducted himself accordingly. I have used this expression many times since – whenever I hear others intending to retaliate out of spite.

That fact is that what happens to some of us during a conflict is that we say or do something to hurt the other person because of our own feelings of hurt, betrayal, disappointment, and other emotions. We may seek retaliation or revenge and not always be fully conscious of doing so. Or, we may be aware and purposely act out of spite. In any case, it is not always clear what motivates our reactions. Perhaps we act out of a sense of despair that we are not being heard or the pain we are experiencing brings out such a reaction. Maybe there is a mean streak that shows sometimes when a dynamic is very hurtful.

It was not until recently that I looked up the meaning of the expression “do not cut off your nose to spite your face”. In keeping with the above discussion, it essentially refers to disadvantaging ourselves in order to do harm to an adversary. As to the origin of this phrase, the precise wording ‘cut off your nose to spite your face’ does not appear in print until the 18th century. Versions of proverbs that mean much the same thing date back to the Tudor era. Then, Grose’s 1796 edition of the Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue (love that title!) reflected the current form in this sentence: “He cut off his nose to be revenged of his face. Said of one who, to be revenged on his neighbour, has materially injured himself.”

If you have found yourself taking out something on another person to your disadvantage – that is, cutting off your nose to spite your face – this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog may help you explore this tendency:

  • Considering a situation in which you acted out of spite to your detriment, what did you do or say?
  • What compelled you to take the action(s) or say the words you did?
  • What sorts of things occurred as a consequence of your actions – for you? For the other person?
  • Using the metaphor of cutting off your nose to spite your face, what does your nose represent in that situation?
  • What else did you figuratively or literally cut off besides your nose?
  • What does your face represent in this situation?
  • How was that spited by your actions?
  • What are you thinking now about the situation that you weren’t thinking about at the time?
  • What would you like to do differently in the future when the inclination to spite another person arises?
  • How will your face be when you don’t cut off your nose to spite your face?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Metaphors, Reactions | 8 Comments

The Upper Hand in Conflict

Posted on September 24, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

When we are competitive, like in interpersonal conflict, we tend to be positional and it is evident we are determined to be the winner. This essentially describes the need to be dominant and fits into today’s blog topic – about getting the upper hand.

There are various suggested origins of this expression. Prominent amongst those is that the phrase originated in American playgrounds, in the way that children select sides for impromptu baseball games. You likely know the method in which one team captain grabs the bat at the bottom. Then the other captain takes hold above the first’s hand and they progress hand over hand along the bat until the top is reached. The one left holding the bat at the top has the ‘upper hand’ and gets first choice of player for their team.

Another theory is that the person whose hand is uppermost when a couple hold hands literally ‘takes the upper hand’ and is the dominant partner. The earliest citations of the phrase, which predate this one and the one mentioned above, put the emphasis on ‘upper’ rather than ‘hand’, indicating that ‘upper hand’ means being higher in social status.

Modern day meaning seems to reflect the circumstance when one or both people in conflict strive to gain something over the other person. Not surprisingly, this can be detrimental to the situation and the relationship. Some would say there really is no winner when it comes from a need for power, to be right, to make the other person wrong or a loser, to put him or her down, or other reasons of this nature.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog invites those who fight to gain an ‘upper hand’ in a conflict to explore your reasons for doing so:

  • What would having the upper hand be in a specific conflict situation you have in mind? Or, considering a past one when you fought to get the upper hand, what did having the upper hand mean?
  • What outcome was intended or do you intend?
  • How does (did) having the upper hand help you to achieve that?
  • Why is (was) that important to you?
  • If you get (got) the upper hand, how do you describe what the other person gets (got)?
  • What does (did) that mean to her or him?
  • If the other person gets (got) the upper hand, how would it be (was it) for you? Why?
  • If you wanted things to be ‘even-handed’ between you two regarding the conflict, what would that look like?
  • How would an even-handed outcome change (have changed) things for you? For the other person?
  • Where are you at right now as you think about this matter of getting the upper hand?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Metaphors, Power in Conflict | 4 Comments

Bury Your Head in the Sand

Posted on September 17, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

It’s not likely that burying our heads in the sand when in conflict helps to solve matters, mend the relationship, or clarify assumptions and perceptions. Sometimes though it may be the best tact.

The expression “bury your head in the sand” apparently comes from the supposed habit of ostriches hiding their heads when faced with an attack by predators. The story was first recorded by the Roman writer Pliny the Elder. One source I found says, however, that ostriches don’t hide, either in bushes (as Pliny suggested) or sand, although they do sometimes lie on the ground to make themselves inconspicuous. An interesting take on this story (without much support, however) is that ostriches are not smart and believe that if they can’t see their attackers then the attackers can’t see them.

When humans refuse to acknowledge a conflict it may feel like a safe place to be, as opposed to being in the eye of conflict. It may serve to temporarily settle things down. It may serve to excuse the other person’s or our own actions or words. It may mean our thoughts and feelings are not expressed or that we do not want them to be. It may result in the dissension dissipating, at least temporarily.

Whatever the reasons, burying our heads in the sand when it comes to conflict reflects the inclination to avoid – even hide – from conflict. If this is a tendency you have, check out this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

  • Considering a current conflict you are avoiding, what thoughts are you burying?
  • What emotions are you burying?
  • What is comfortable about burying your thoughts? Your emotions?
  • What is uncomfortable about burying your thoughts? Your emotions?
  • What do you fear most that may be keeping you from acknowledging the conflict?
  • How does burying your head help you? How does it help the other person?
  • How does burying your head hurt you? How does it hurt the other person?
  • What are you hiding from that you don’t think the other person or others can see?
  • What do you think is obvious to the other person or others though you are trying to bury your thoughts and emotions?
  • What needs to happen for you to be able to acknowledge conflict?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Avoiding, Metaphors | 2 Comments

That Put My Back Up

Posted on September 10, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

It is likely that most of us are able to specifically refer to some things that ‘put our backs up’ – an expression that describes the impact of being provoked by certain acts or deeds of another person.

The derivation is from the habit of cats arching their backs when threatened or annoyed. It is apparently a colloquial term that came into being in Britain in the 18th century.

If you have a cat you will relate to this. I have a wonderful cat whom I adore. Her sweet, gentle, loving manner quickly changes when the neighbourhood cats come to the kitchen window, or the racoons prowl on the patio at night, or a stranger appears at the door. I hear hissing first and then, when I get there to see what the fuss is, the darling feline looks fierce. Her back is indeed arched and she looks ready to pounce. I am reminded at these times of the strong survival instincts of her ancestors.

We humans also demonstrate our angry response to threats in a way that fits with this phrase. Literally speaking, some of us respond to something that challenges us by raising our shoulders, rounding or straightening our backs, and otherwise showing a physical reaction with our bodies. There is usually no mistaking the posture as anything but an emotional and defensive reaction to something offensive.

If you are aware of your back going up – literally or figuratively when in conflict – or have observed this in others, consider this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

  • When your back goes up in conflict, how would you describe what you look like?
  • What are you experiencing at these times?
  • What sort of things put your back up?
  • When your back goes up, where does your heart go?
  • How may a friend or family member who observes your back go up describe what they see?
  • How do you think your reaction appears to the other person that is different from your answer to the previous question? What may be the same?
  • When you have observed someone else put her or his back up when in conflict (and perhaps, relating to a dispute happening with you), how would you describe what you see?
  • What impact do your observations (answer to the above question) have on you?
  • How is putting your back up a useful conflict technique? How it is not?
  • If you want to stop putting your back up as a reaction, what may you do instead?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Body Language, Metaphors | Leave a comment