Getting off on the wrong foot refers to those situations that sometimes happen during first encounters with others. This may be at the beginning of a relationship, project, discussion, or any other interaction, when we find ourselves off to an unproductive or uncomfortable start. Something may have happened in our interactions to create these experiences or we pick up something that is off-putting. Someone else may have gossiped to us about the person and their negative views stuck with us. Often though, there is not a clear reason for what seems to have led to disconnection and, at times, even animosity.

The origin of this phrase – getting off on the wrong foot – is not clear from the resources I consulted. One reference suggested this phrase may come from the long-standing preference people have for the right. For instance, we have right and left and right and wrong, which tends to associate left with wrong. Also, there is a suggestion in the same source that in ancient Greece it was considered unlucky to put the left foot on the floor, or into one’s shoe, before the right foot. Yet another idea is that the concept of a right foot and a wrong foot comes from the military, where in order to march in step soldiers all have to start with the same foot.

Whatever the origin, the notion of getting off on the wrong foot is an experience we have or sense that has the potential for building the sorts of dynamics that perpetuate interpersonal conflict. At these times, redeeming ourselves or the other person doing so is often fraught with challenges. The quote by Will Rogers (also attributed to Oscar Wilde) “you never get a second chance to make a good first impression” may prevail at these times. As short-sighted and not conflict masterful as that may be, somehow, the negativity, ill feelings, poor impressions, and so on seem to take over.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog is aimed at readers who feel they got off on the wrong foot with someone and possibly, discord developed between you. Thinking of a specific situation in which this occurred will be helpful when answering the following questions:

• Generally-speaking, what does the expression to get off on the wrong foot with someone mean to you?
• In a particular situation when this occurred, at what point did you feel you got off on the wrong foot with another person?
• What specifically did the other person say or do that contributed to that experience? What did you say or do that may have also contributed? Or, what may someone else have said or done that resulted in this sort of impact?
• How may the other person’s version of what occurred between you be the same or similar to yours? What may she or he perceive differently?
• What evolved as a consequence of getting off on the wrong foot?
• What did that feel like?
• How may you describe what you hoped or expected about how you and the other person would connect?
• How may you still make that happen, if you want to?
• What may be the biggest challenge?
• How will you overcome that challenge to do your part of getting on the ‘right’ foot?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Do you remember the expression “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me”? If so, you may also recall, as I do, that it was (and may still be) a stock response to verbal bullying in grade school playgrounds. The meaning is evident and is simply described by one resource as follows: “A response to an insult, implying that ‘You might be able to hurt me by physical force but not by insults’.” Apparently, the earliest use of this expression is from an American periodical, The Christian Recorder (March 1862), which further added to this adage – by way of explanation: “True courage consists in doing what is right, despite the jeers and sneers of our companions.”

The phrase “sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me” has no doubt been superseded by more current streetwise comebacks. Though we often consider such techniques as ones that children use, adults also employ jeers, insults, sneers, or name-calling (see a previous blog called Name-Calling) and despite the notion that names (read also: jeers, insults, etc.) do not hurt, they do. They also serve to polarize and create a power imbalance that precludes effective conflict engagement and communications. Names, jeers, and insults initiate and perpetuate conflict in ways that can leave indelible marks by echoing indefinitely in the ears of those on the receiving end.

Not to condone taunts such as those described above, I have wondered what compels their use. It may be that people who employ these and other such methods never learned more constructive ways of managing themselves and others. Perhaps, they have run out of other ways to cope, defend, or express themselves in response to the emotional pain they are experiencing. It may be they learned such techniques from bullying role models. They could have found such methods give them a sense of power or compensates for their insecurities. These thoughts on why such techniques are used do not make them acceptable or excusable. Rather, they are meant to help understand the drivers that motivate the use of these methods and considerations for those to whom they are directed.

Today’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog asks readers who tend to jeer, insult, sneer, or name-call in conflict and those who are the brunt of such techniques, to consider situations when either or both occurred.

• In a conflict situation in which you have sneered, jeered, insulted the other person, called her or him names, etc., what specific technique(s) did you use? What did you specifically say or do?
• What motivated you to use that technique/those techniques?
• What were you aiming to achieve by doing so? What did you accomplish? What did you not achieve?
• Under what circumstances, in general, do you find yourself using the technique(s) you referred to in your answer to the first question?
• What conflict masterful technique(s), in general, may work more effectively if you want to learn new methods in the circumstances you described?
• Considering a situation when someone has name-called, sneered, jeered, or insulted you in a conflict, what did she or he specifically say?
• What do you think compelled her or him to say or do that?
• What did you say or do in response?
• How did that work? How did it not work?
• What other response do you think may have worked better now that you think about it?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?