This week’s topic came to me when someone reminded me of the great quote “You do not need to attend every argument you are invited to” (unknown). Though I so agree with this, it seems we don’t always think we are at choice when statements, attitudes and deeds offend us and we react strongly to them. We likely don’t think either that some may not necessitate a response at all.

That is, in reality we often react to things that provoke us before we consider whether our reaction is justified, whether our perceptions and assumptions are askew, or whether we need or even want to engage in a conversation in the moment, or at all. Even if we perceive someone is purposely offending us, we are at choice about how and what we perceive, and about whether to respond and how, if we do.

For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog, consider a time you reacted to something someone said or did and you realized, afterwards, that it was unnecessary and you could have chosen not to react.

• What did the other person say or do to which you reacted?
• What compelled you to react, do you think?
• What did you sense was being threatened, undermined or challenged for you at the time – by what the person said or did – or how she or he acted (attitudinally) toward you?
• If you became defensive, what were you defending?
• What do you think the other person intended?
• What made your reaction unnecessary, now that you consider it?
• What choices did you have at the time that might have been more productive responses?
• What precluded those responses instead, do you think?
• What sorts of arguments are necessary for you to engage in, as you consider this topic? Which sorts of arguments are not necessary to engage in?
• How might you make a different choice in the future when provoked but you know it’s an unnecessary conflict?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(Popular- from the archives)

“The first step is clearly defining what it is you’re after, because without knowing that you’ll never get it” ~ Halle Berry

In any type of coaching the first main question coaches ask clients is what they want to achieve. Whether it is that day or overall – the idea, of course, is to determine the goals of people who want to make changes in their lives. When it comes to conflict management coaching, clients’ goals are typically long term such as being more conflict competent, becoming less avoidant about conflict, gaining more confidence when it comes to difficult conversations and so on. The importance of getting clear on what clients and we want to accomplish when it comes to our interpersonal disputes cannot be overstated.

What I have found as a coach with a conflict specialty is that what clients say they want in conflict usually extends well beyond what issues are in dispute, and what they initially express as their hope and desire. They are often apprehensive about expressing what is on their mind and about approaching the other person to resolve or at least, discuss things. For instance, someone might say “I want to explain to my boss why I couldn’t get the job done on time and I know they will freak out and I won’t know how to deal with that!” There are many possible underlying goals here and that’s exactly what coaches aim to elicit so that there is clarity about what is most important to clients. In this example, the client’s underlying goal might be to improve the way they deliver messages, to be better skilled at responding rather than reacting to people who “freak out”, to establish a connection with the boss who might be underestimating the client’s skills and so on. So, there could be many more goals or one main one.

The message though, as you see, is to define what it is that clients (and we) are after when in dispute  so that attempts to determine goals are properly focused on what is really and truly wanted and not what initially comes to us while in the heat of the dispute. As Halle Berry says in the quote above –“without knowing what you are after you’ll never get it”.

With this in mind, I invite you to bring to mind an interpersonal dispute about which you are feeling apprehensive to address. This exercise is to support you as you deconstruct the situation with these questions to gain clarity on what it is you really want.

• What is the dispute about?
• What started this conflict from your perspective?
• Where are things at right now for you?
• What would the other person say the dispute is about? What would they say started it? How might they describe where things are now?
• What do you want to have happen about the issue(s) in dispute? What else? Thinking more about it – anything else?
• What do you want to have happen with the relationship? What else?
• What might the other person want to have happen in the dispute? What else? Thinking more about it – anything else?
• What might they want regarding the relationship? What else?
• What do you fear most? What fears might the other person have?
• What are you not considering here – now that you are deconstructing that conflict – that might be fueling your apprehension about moving forward with your goals?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

It sometimes happens that we are not true to ourselves and that leads to internal conflict. We might avoid the situation; we might agree when we don’t feel agreeable; we might pretend we are not impacted; we might accommodate the other person’s needs rather than our own; and so on.

We choose different ways of responding to conflict and the other person for various reasons. Often though, we pay a price for giving in and avoiding conflict, including that we end up feeling untrue to our needs, our values, our beliefs and so on. We live a lie and all that goes with being dishonest. This might take the form of depression, regret, anger, sadness, antagonism and other negative results.

If you have a tendency to give in or otherwise be untrue to what you need or want when in conflict, this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog provides an opportunity to examine the fallout of doing so.

• What is one conflict situation in which you were not true to yourself?
• What did you do that reflected this (your answer to the previous question)?
• Why did you choose to be untrue to yourself in that way?
• What did you deny for yourself – such as your needs, beliefs, values, etc.?
• What is the impact on you of having done so?
• What is the outcome for the other person of your choice?
• What is good about that outcome for the other person? What is not good for her or him?
• What is good about the outcome for you? What is not good for you?
• If you were true to yourself, what specifically would you have said or done?
• What different outcome might there have been for you if you had been true to yourself?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(Popular- from the archives)

When we are in conflict with another it is often the case that we make assumptions about them. For instance, we may attribute reasons for their actions or words that are provoking us; we may make interpretations about their body language; or we may make assumptions about their impression of us and how they read our words and actions.

Making assumptions, such as these and others, usually indicates, among other things, historical experiences that are fuelling our current interpretations. Or, we may be applying our own rationale for similar actions or words that we have done or said. Perhaps, others suggest things to us that we adopt to explain matters. In any case, it appears that something gets in our way from checking out what we are perceiving and assuming – and so does the other person.

Whatever the reason, the mere act of assuming usually gets us into trouble. For instance, we tend to respond to the other person based on what we think we know, not what we know to be true. That is, our assumptions are not necessarily a legitimate and well-founded reflection of the other person or their intent.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a situation in which you are making assumptions about another person who is irritating you and a conflict might be looming between you.

• What started your experience of being in conflict with the other person? In what ways are things between you escalating since the time you first felt the tension between you?
• Why did it escalate, do you think?
• What specifically is the other person saying or doing that is provoking you? What about that is especially upsetting or concerning for you?
• What possible reasons might they have for saying or doing that, do you suppose? What other possible reasons might a friend of yours who observed the two of you give?
• If you have ever said or done what the other person said or did that is provoking you, what were your reasons? In what ways, if any, might this apply in your dynamic?
• What keeps you from checking out your assumptions?
• If you are inaccurate in your interpretations of the other person’s reasons and motive, what then?
• What are you saying or doing that might be provoking the other person?
• What reasons might she or he attribute to you regarding your actions or the words you are saying (or how you are saying them)? What reasons would you give her or him instead?
• What do you suppose might be precluding the other person from engaging you in a discussion to better understand you and your reasons?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(Popular- from the archives)

In our efforts to maintain good relationships with friends and family there are times we might begin to wonder whether it is a healthy and sustainable relationship. And this week’s Conflict mastery Quest(ions) blog focuses on when we determine a relationship isn’t working out. (Another blog will consider when someone else ends the relationship.)

What we each deem a healthy relationship will, of course, vary among us. It may be one that nourishes and energizes us and that makes us feel supported. It may be one in which we feel mutual respect, caring and love. It may be one in which we trust the other person will be “there” for us- that we can count on their help if need be (in whatever form is important to us). It may be one in which we trust ourselves – to be who we authentically are without screens or pretense. It may be one in which we are confident that we can share our secrets without being judged.

These and other factors that fuel what we consider our solid relationships are ones that are hardest to let go of. We work hard to maintain them even in the face of the clues that question how solid they really are, and then, we begin to wonder whether the relationship is good for us. Maybe, we experience or sense values in these same people that we don’t respect, that are offensive and contrary to how we live; maybe, they are mean and treat us poorly – in ways that continually hurt us; maybe, we start to lose trust in them.

When variables such as these or others continue to plague us we may wonder whether the relationship is one we want to maintain. We might internally fight the notion that ending the relationship is better for us than trying to keep it going. Confusion might immobilize us. We aren’t sure what is best and part of us might realize things will work out better for us if things don’t work out between the other person and us.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a relationship that didn’t work out for you and you ended it.

• What are the factors that made that relationship feel solid to you? What made that person particularly special over time?
• What sorts of things did the other person say or do when you began to question the strength of the relationship?
• What made those things especially difficult for you to experience?
• What impact did those things have on you?
• What happened for you when you ended the relationship? (What was the experience like for you? How did the other person react to you? etc.)
• In your heart and mind if you knew it was better for you to end the relationship what continues to bother you?
• What are you missing most about the other person now?
• It takes courage to end relationships that were once solid, in what ways did your courage show up? How about now – how are you demonstrating courageousness?
• Though things didn’t work out with the other person what has worked out for you having ended the relationship, in any case?
• What have you learned about yourself that is important to you and your personal well-being when it comes to your relationships?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?