The other day a friend – I’ll call her Jane – was telling me about an ongoing dispute she was having with a co-worker. She complained about the way her colleague Ted acts, looks, talks, and just about everything else. Clearly, their interactions had deteriorated over time and their current communications are mostly through others, i.e. “Tell Ted that I need the report by 3:00” and Ted’s response, “Tell her she’ll get it when I’m finished it”.

Through the course of conveying this situation to me, Jane continually justified her actions, words, and viewpoints about how she responds to Ted and why she maintains her perspective on him. Knowing I have a little experience with people in conflict, she asked for my thoughts – “Be really honest with me”, Jane said, “I really want to know what I can do. But don’t you think he’s a jerk?” (I don’t typically coach my friends or family and in any case, I prefer not to give advice or offer my opinions. I turned to my arsenal of questions instead, some I which I share here.)

For me though, as soon as I hear myself or someone else justifying themselves and how a situation was handled, I wonder what is compelling the negative energy behind doing so. That is, to my ears it tends to sound defensive and righteous and blameful. This observation resulted in me considering that underneath justifying is a sense of trying to convince ourselves of something – not just the person to whom we are justifying our actions or words. It also occurred to me that when we do this we know – at some level of consciousness – that what we are trying to assert is not necessarily correct or the only perspective. We may realize we contributed to the discord and are attempting to defend that – making the conduct and the reasoning behind it questionable. This iffiness about justifying explains the title of today’s blog – Justify or Just-Iffy?

Considering this, I suggest that readers bring to mind a dispute in which you tried to justify your viewpoint when answering this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions).

• About what specifically are you and the other person disputing?
• What did you say or do that the other person disputes?
• What did you say to her or him to justify your actions or viewpoint? What are you saying to justify that/those to others?
• What is motivating you to justify yourself?
• What specifically is ‘just’ (correct, indisputable, fair, etc.) about what you did or said?
• What may be iffy about your justification?
• What may the other person add to your answer about what is ‘iffy’ about your justification?
• What did you not like about yourself and how you came across in the related interaction?
• How did that contribute to justifying your role in it?
• If you did not feel you had to justify your perspective, what may have been different?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

It seems statements that go like, “I didn’t mean it that way” are ones we use when something we said or how we said it is misinterpreted by another person and offends her or him. Or, it may be a gesture that is misread. In either case, as a consequence of the other person’s reaction to us and the realization that our words or actions are perceived in a way that is not intended, we attempt to defend ourselves and explain what we meant. This is when we may utter phrases like, “I didn’t mean it that way”.

Sometimes we know we are conveying a challenging message. We want it to be received as a constructive sentiment or observation and yet, we are aware – no matter how hard we try to come across in a well-meaning way – our intent may be perceived as undermining and hurtful. The thing is too, due to discomforts about giving feedback, pointing out a problem, or initiating other such conversations, not all of us always communicate as well and tactfully as we would like. We may sound blameful or demeaning due to nervousness and lack of skill.

On the receiving end, anything that smacks of criticism for some of us can be difficult to take in, regardless of the speaker’s motive. Or, guilt, sensitivities about making mistakes, needing or wanting to have approval, and being defensive by nature or when it comes to specific situations or persons, are other possible explanations for defensive reactions. It is an overstatement to say that these and variations of what may occur in our communications are complex and have the potential for leading to unnecessary conflict.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog explores this statement –“I didn’t mean it that way” – for those who say it and those who hear it said to you.

• If you recall using the statement “I didn’t mean it that way” (or something to that effect), what were the circumstances, i.e. what did you say or do to which the other person reacted?
• What did you intend that was misinterpreted?
• How did the other person hear what you said from what you can tell or from what she or he said or did in response?
• What do you think the other person did not understand about what you meant, if applicable?
• What could you have said or done differently that may not have resulted in the same reaction in that circumstance?
• When someone has said “I didn’t mean it that way” (or something to that effect) to you in a specific situation, to what specifically were you responding? What was your reaction at that time?
• What was the impact of the person’s statement on you?
• What did you perceive as her or his intent? What do you know about her or his intent for sure? What do you not know?
• Thinking about it now, what may you have misinterpreted in what the person said?
• What lessons are there to be learned from interactions of the nature raised in this week’s blog.

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?