“It’s impossible,” said fear.
“It’s risky,” said experience.
“It’s pointless,” said reason.
“Give it a try,” whispered the heart.

The above quote (not attributed to an author) caught my attention for several reasons and one of those is that the first three are common sentiments expressed by many of my conflict management coaching clients. With increased awareness, confidence, and conflict competence gained through coaching clients’ shifts are often towards determining and acting on some ways to get in touch with their self-limiting beliefs to be able to mend the broken relationship and mend their pain (these two results are not always one and the same). When the shift occurs it is evident that the shift is typically from the heart rather than from the range of reasons that have till then precluded ‘heartfelt action’.

When I hear the statement – “It’s impossible” – many people involved in an interpersonal dispute automatically go to a place of fear about how to proceed. They might say, ‘I know them – it just isn’t going to work’; ‘what if they reject me even more?’ and ‘what if they won’t accept my apology?’ These and other phrases and questions not only reflect fundamental fear about being rejected (which often has deep roots). They also reflect the next point – “It’s risky” – which is similarly experienced based. Certainly, previous trauma and other situations from our pasts form the foundation that precludes action and making decisions when the situation brings up scary and threatening histories. Other reasons based on our past experiences with this person or with others regarding interpersonal disputes results in us thinking it’s risky to try again leading to – “It’s pointless”. This is commonly heard when clients feel hopeless, bereft, and full of doubt that anything can be salvaged, or that their attempts to try could be successful. Many who say this are trying to be practical rather than put themselves through more grief.

The reasons stated here and many more contribute to the hesitance many of us feel about the thought of trying to make amends or even finding a way to re-engage persons with whom we are in dispute – whether to bridge the schism or to speak our truth which might not necessarily do so.

“Give it a try” the last point in the quote though is very often what our hearts really want to do. It’s the “whisper” that is there – that doesn’t speak louder until we are ready – if we have some hope to be heard, to make amends, to let go and so on. When the pain from the conflict is deep, it is of course, harder to act and therefore, more difficult to consider attempts at reconciliation or otherwise confronting the other person’s bad behaviour. Such attempts seem too “impossible”, “risky”, and “pointless”. And underneath the hesitancy to see how to make amends or speak out we likely know, at some level of our consciousness, that our fears, past experiences, and reason are drowning out the whisper – and we are missing an opportunity to find some peace.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to see if you can find yourself in the three sentences of the quote above and consider what your heart is whispering.

• What situation do you have in mind when thinking about a conflict that you are hesitant to act on?
• What is your heart feeling and whispering to you right now about this conflict?
• What makes acting on this situation (making amends, speaking out etc.) impossible?
• What are the underlying fears about acting on the situation?
• What’s risky about acting on the situation?
• Which of your life experiences is talking here?
• What reasons might it be pointless to act on this situation from your perspective?
• What is the impact on you when you consider reconciling your differences with the other person (if you want to) or, otherwise giving voice to your experience – the not yet spoken words?
• What is your heart whispering to you now as you consider various things here (same as above or if different, how so)?
• What do you really want to say to the other person if you were to feel/believe you have whatever takes to act on what your heart is now whispering? What do you think it will take?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

In a wonderful book entitled The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy, there are many quotes in it that touch me. One of them shows a boy on a horse and he clearly looks beleaguered. He says “This storm is making me tired”, to which the horse replies “Storms get tired too. So, hold on”. And this week’s Conflict Master Quest(ions) blog considers the storms we experience when we are in conflict and what that feels like.

It’s an understatement to say our reactions to being in conflict are variable. The impact on us and how we respond may depend on the person with whom we are in dispute, what we are arguing about, how deeply hurt we feel, the range of other impacts we are experiencing, what values we perceive are being undermined, threatened or challenged , how often the same issues arise, and so on. And we are all very different in how we respond. Whatever we are experiencing – thinking and feeling- we are in a storm of sorts though and the impact has us whirling, scared, hyper-vigilant, and full of many other reactions including fatigue. The horse in the quote above is right – the storm gets tired too and that is an important metaphor to consider when it comes to heightened emotions and an escalation on a conflict we are in.

The degree to which we are reacting, the depth of our emotions, the intensity of the situation and dissension wanes over time and it is likely that when that happens we are in a better frame of mind and heart to be able to use calm instead of high emotions to see if things can be reconciled. This set of questions invites you to examine a storm you are in with another person.

• How might you describe the storm between you and the other person?
• What is whirling around you in this storm?
• How would you describe the feelings you are experiencing in the storm?
• What frightens you most?
• When the storm settles how do you want things to be?
• What will that feel like for you (your answer to the above question)?
• How might the other person describe the storm around them? What do you think might be whirling around them? What feelings might they be experiencing?
• On what may the two of you agree on?
• What do you think it would take for the storm to end between you too?
• How might you contribute to ending the storm? What contribution might you ask of the other person to help end the storm?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

It’s an understatement to say that our lives can change in a blink of an eye! The lack of predictability of everyday life and both the potential heart ache and the joys from the unexpected are always there. Yet, in general, many of us don’t consciously live, in anticipation of something bad or something good about to happen in our day- to-day lives. Having said that there are certainly many of us who, on a regular basis, worry about and anticipate worse case scenarios about a range of matters – with and without cause. There are also many of us who constantly live in hopes of best case scenarios even against all odds.

Optimistic versus pessimist personality types may, in part, explain our mindset and ways we cope and navigate our lives when -‘just like that’-something changes. And, of course, our mindsets can help or hinder now we react and to what extent we call on our inner resources or others to be able to manage the unexpected. This includes an unexpected conflict with someone!

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a conflict that erupted totally unexpected – much to your surprise and consternation – when answering the questions below. That is – seemingly out of nowhere- a friend, colleague, family member, boss (or anyone else)- engages you in a dispute about something you said or did that upset them and you had no idea this was brewing.

• What was the scenario when- just like that -you were faced with the realization that you had upset someone?
• What specifically did the person accuse you of saying or doing?
• If there is truth to their accusation(s) what are the truths?
• What motivated you at the time to act as you did or say what you did that upset the other person?
• What do you think the person misinterpreted about your actions or what you said?
• What did you observe was the impact on the other person?
• What – did you want that person to know that they ultimately seemed to understand? What didn’t they understand?
• What did you hear or glean about the nature of the intentions the person attributed to you (regarding what you said or did)?
• What do you want the other person to know that you don’t think they do?
• What mindset do you think helps to cope with this sort of situation?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

Two things that come to mind that many of us have challenges with when someone provokes us, are how to pause and to reflect when emotions are bubbling up inside us and we cannot really think straight – if at all. More often than not we react and regret. Something the other person says or does – or doesn’t say or do – sets us off and we spiral downwards. At these times – at some level of our consciousness – we perceive the other person is undermining us, challenging us, questioning us, even threatening us! Something we needed or expected from them is not forthcoming. Something feels unstable within us and around us. Something we trusted – about the other person or ourselves – feels elusive. Something scares us and knocks us off our equilibrium.  Many emotions take over – anger, disappointment, hurt, sadness, betrayal, shock, frustration, fear and so on.

Since we become upset and unsettled when conflicts occur, it is difficult at these times to PAUSE and find a way to get some distance – physical or emotional or otherwise. This also means we are unable to shift to the executive functions of our brains to REFLECT and contemplate the dynamic of what went on. At these times, we are overwhelmed with emotion and unable to think clearly and consider the places we go to in our minds and hearts with any objectivity. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an interpersonal dispute that has set you off and provides an opportunity to pause and reflect and see how that supports you as you figure things out.

• What’s happened between you and the other person that set you off?
• What specifically did the person say or do at that time?
• What had you expected from or hoped for that the other person didn’t deliver on?
• What is it about that (your answer to the previous question) you found most distressing?
• How did (do) you interpret the other person’s actions or words i.e. what do you think they intended?
• What did you say or do in reaction that contributed to the negative dynamic that evolved?
• What might they have expected from you or hoped for instead?
• What about your answer the previous question makes sense?  What doesn’t make sense to you?
• If you gave the other person the benefit of the doubt (that is, they didn’t intend to offend you) what else occurs to you to describe the negative dynamic that evolved?
• If the other person intended to offend you, in your estimation, how might you proceed in a way that will not give you sleepless nights?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

Not much happens when we or someone else mispronounces the word Worcestershire other than some laughs and attempts to correct someone or ourselves and say it properly. In fact, funny memes and snippets of people trying to say this word abound on social media.  But saying the words “I was wrong “ is also very hard for many people and the response is likely to be far from laughing. More likely the receiver would feel grateful, relieved and often surprised.

The reality is interpersonal conflicts can spin out of control and create lingering tension because one or more people in the dispute will not take responsibility for their wrongdoing that hurt, disappointed and offended the other person(s) and utter those three words – “I was wrong”!

In my conflict work, as a mediator and as a conflict management coach, I repeatedly hear and observe how difficult it is for many people to admit their mistakes and missteps. I’ve thought a lot about what makes it challenging for so many and I typically, engage my coaching clients in conversations about this very thing to see what reasons they might suggest and, what awarenesses may arise by discussing what happened.

In no specific order, common insights and reflections (some stated – some gleaned) I have heard include the following: shame to admit wrongdoing, a need to be right and ‘win’ and make the other person wrong (at some level of consciousness), resistance to letting go of a firmly-held position, embarrassment, fear of the other person’s reaction, pride, losing face, ego, and other reasons. Some people of course, do not believe they did or said something wrong and may blame the other person and their sensibilities. Some say they have no idea why they won’t admit to the other person that they did or said something wrong even when they own that they did. In this regard, it is evident that some realize they have a pattern of holding onto what they are asserting rather than ‘giving in’ by admitting they are wrong.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a current interpersonal dispute in which saying “I was wrong” is difficult for you – in a situation when you know you were.

• What is the dispute about?
• What did you say or do that you know was wrong in that interaction?
• In what ways do you think you were you right?
• How did/does your wrong acts or words impact the other person? How are they impacting you?
• What are the possible reasons you will not admit you were wrong? (considering the list in the above blog for possible reasons)
• What do you suppose the other person might think your reasons are?
• What fears might you have about saying, “I was wrong”
• What do you lose by admitting you were wrong? What might you gain?
• What’s the worst case scenario if you say “I was wrong” to the other person in your conflict?
• What’s the best-case scenario?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?