“Avoidance isn’t peace. Silence has costs. Both are a slow rehearsal for regret.”

(I’d like to properly attribute the above sentences in quotes to the author. However, a colleague sent them to me from something they read and cannot identify who wrote them.)

The sentiments expressed are not novel. The wording however is so poignant that I wanted to share and discuss them with you.

It has been evident in my conflict coaching practice (and not unique for clients who retain me) that many people live in regret about the adverse outcomes of their interpersonal disputes – when they avoid them or remain silent. They regret a range of things including the lack of resolution and reconciliation, misinterpretation of the unspoken, unmet needs, the buildup of negative emotions, the unsaid, not defending themselves, and other experiences in the after math.  And many share that they tend to avoid disputing or have remained silent for many reasons including fear of retaliation/retribution, hurting the other person, getting more upset, lack of confidence or courage or both  for these reasons and others, and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider your regrets about a dispute that you avoided or one about which you remained silent when answering these questions:

What happened in the situation you have in mind?

What were you avoiding?

What else contributed to you remaining silent?

What do you wish you had said?

What do you think contributed to your reluctance to engage with the other person?

What are the regrets that have stayed with you?

How do you suppose the other person interpreted your response ( to avoid, remain silent)?

What do you suppose the reasons are that you avoid or remain silent if this is your tendency when it comes to interpersonal conflict?

If you do not always tend to remain silent or avoid conflict, under what circumstances are you more inclined to speak up, respond to , initiate contentious issues?

What are the downsides of avoiding and remaining silent that you’ve learned over time? What might it take for you to overcome the tendency to avoid?

What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?

What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

“The first step is clearly defining what it is you’re after, because without knowing that you’ll never get it” ~ Halle Berry

In any type of coaching the first main question coaches ask clients is what they want to achieve. Whether it is that day or overall – the idea, of course, is to determine the goals of people who want to make changes in their lives. When it comes to conflict management coaching, clients’ goals are typically long term such as being more conflict competent, becoming less avoidant about conflict, gaining more confidence when it comes to difficult conversations and so on. The importance of getting clear on what clients and we want to accomplish when it comes to our interpersonal disputes cannot be overstated.

What I have found as a coach with a conflict speciality is that what clients say they want in conflict usually extends well beyond what issues are in dispute, and what they initially express as their hope and desire. They are often apprehensive about expressing what is on their mind and about approaching the other person to resolve or at least, discuss things. For instance, someone might say “I want to explain to my boss why I couldn’t get the job done on time and I know they will freak out and I won’t know how to deal with that!” There are many possible underlying goals here and that’s exactly what coaches aim to elicit so that there is clarity about what is most important to clients. In this example, the client’s underlying goal might be to improve the way they deliver messages, to be better skilled at responding rather than reacting to people who “freak out”, to establish a connection with the boss who might be underestimating the client’s skills and so on. So, there could be many more goals or one main one.

The message though, as you see, is to define what it is that clients (and we) are after when in dispute  so that attempts to determine goals are properly focused on what is really and truly wanted and not what initially comes to us while in the heat of the dispute. As Halle Berry says in the quote above –“without knowing what you are after you’ll never get it”.

With this in mind, I invite you to bring to mind an interpersonal dispute about which you are feeling apprehensive to address. This exercise is to support you as you deconstruct the situation with these questions to gain clarity on what it is you really want.

• What is the dispute about?
• What started this conflict from your perspective?
• Where are things at right now for you?
• What would the other person say the dispute is about? What would they say started it? How might they describe where things are now?
• What do you want to have happen about the issue(s) in dispute? What else? Thinking more about it -anything else?
• What do you want to have happen with the relationship? What else?
• What might the other person want to have happen in the dispute? What else? Thinking more about it – anything else?
• What might they want regarding the relationship? What else?
• What do you fear most? What fears might the other person have?
• What are you not considering here – now that you are deconstructing that conflict – that might be fueling your apprehension about moving forward with your goals?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(From the archives)

I don’t recall the name of the book in which I read this quote but, it struck me as a poignant one and has stayed with me.

Though not always recognized as such, we need courage for many things we encounter in our day to day lives that make us afraid. And I find that when it comes to interpersonal conflict fears preclude speaking our truth and, among other things, they get in the way of strengthening our relationships, our confidence and even our self-worth. In keeping with the title of this blog then, ignoring our fears (though admittedly hard to do!) makes space for us to rely on our bravery to make important choices and to take action that serve us better.

What fears might you experience when it comes to your relational disputes? I have had fears of being hurt or abandoned when I’m in conflict with others, of being shamed, and of losing face.  I’ve also experienced fears about feeling guilty, and about the possibility of unresolved or irreconcilable issues resulting from the conflict.  Similarly, fears of possible irreparable damage or awful confrontation preclude speaking up. I’ve had fears, too, that I won’t walk away (even when that’s actually the optimum outcome).  These are just some of the many fears I can recall about my own relational disputes and I’ve heard these sorts of fears and others from my coaching clients, too.

Identifying our fears ends up being an important exercise because it helps us process what’s keeping us from drawing on our courage to speak up and out. Once we bring our fears about any given conflict to our conscious awareness we can then consider their reality and ways to ignore them so they won’t stop us from being true to ourselves.

For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog I suggest you bring to mind an interpersonal conflict about which you fear what to say or do, or whether to say or do anything.

• What’s the situation?
• How would you describe the fears you are experiencing about this?
• What’s the worst case scenario you are imagining?
• What could the worst case scenario be like for you? In what ways is this possibility realistic? Not realistic?
• What possible good (best case scenario) might come out of this dispute?
• How would you describe what courage looks like – to be able to ignore the fears you expressed and address this conflict the way you want (and aim for the best case scenario – your answer to the above question)?
• What more specifically do you need, do you think, to overcome your fears in the situation you are discussing here (including if it means walking away)?
• What would it feel like for you to use your courage to handle this conflict the way you want?
• If you don’t handle the conflict the way you really want what difference will that make for you, if any?
• When you feel bravest about anything you face that is difficult, what do you think helps you most to engage your ability to act with courage that you want to remember and routinely call on going forward?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

As has been my tradition for over 20 years, I like to share with you my Conflict Resolutions each year. So, these are for 2026! And yes, I’m still working on some of the ones I included last year!

This year I will respect, appreciate and honour our differences.

This year I will remember I have room in my heart to love more and to love more deeply.

This year I will cherish my family and my friends and colleagues even more and continue to tell them how grateful I am that they are in my life, and how much I love them.

This year I will listen more deeply – and with more compassion, kindness, and love.

This year I will approach my interpersonal conflicts with increased thoughtfulness, patience, and openness. I will step back with humility to fully consider the other person’s perspective and apologize when I have wronged or hurt them. And in the aftermath of the conflict I will consider what I learned and not spend unnecessary energy on self-blame.

This year I will be true to and gentle with myself and treat others as though we share these intentions for our respective well-beings.

This year I will speak my truth and welcome others to speak theirs and I will carefully listen to them without judgment.

This year I will admit when I misspeak and learn from the mistakes I make. I will forgive myself for misspeaking and making mistakes and I will forgive others for theirs.

This year I will reach out, even more, to give support and caring to those in need.

This year I will do more to build peace – one person at a time.

Sending you my warmest regards and may year 2026 be full of joy and good health and love for you and yours  – and peace for us all.

Cinnie Noble, CINERGY® Coaching

www.cinergycoaching.com

I don’t recall the name of the  book in which I read this quote but,  it struck me as a poignant one and has stayed with me.

Though not always recognized as such, we need courage for many things we encounter in our day to day lives that make us afraid. And I find that when it comes to interpersonal conflict fears preclude speaking our truth and, among other things, they get in the way of strengthening our relationships, our confidence and even our self-worth. In keeping with the title of this blog then, ignoring our fears (though admittedly hard to do!) makes space for us to rely on our bravery to  make important choices and to take action that serve us better.

What fears might you experience when it comes to your relational disputes? I have had fears of being hurt or abandoned when I’m in conflict with others, of being shamed, and of losing face.  I’ve also experienced fears about feeling guilty, and about the possibility of unresolved or irreconcilable issues resulting from the conflict. Similarly, fears of possible irreparable damage or awful confrontation preclude speaking up. I’ve had fears too, that I won’t walk away (even when that’s actually the optimum outcome).  These are just some of the many fears I can recall about my own relational disputes and I’ve heard these sorts of fears and others from my coaching clients, too.

Identifying our fears ends up being an important exercise because it helps us process what’s keeping us from drawing on our courage to speak up and out. Once we bring our fears about any given conflict to our conscious awareness we can then consider their reality and ways to work ignore them so they won’t stop us from being true to ourselves.

For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions)  blog I suggest you bring to mind an interpersonal conflict about which you fear what to say or do, or whether to say or do anything.

• What’s the situation?
• How would you describe the fears you are experiencing about this?
• What’s the worse case scenario you are imagining?
• What could the worse case scenario be like for you? In what ways is this possibility realistic? Not realistic?
• What possible good (best case scenario) might come out of this dispute?
• How would you describe what courage looks like – to be able to ignore the fears you expressed  and address this conflict the way you want (and aim for the best case scenario – your answer to the above question)?
• What more specifically do you need, do you think, to overcome your fears in the situation you are discussing here (including if it means walking away)?
• What would it feel like for you to use your courage to handle this conflict the way you want?
• If you don’t handle the conflict the way you really want what difference will that make for you, if any?
• When you feel bravest about anything you face that is difficult, what do you think helps you most to engage your ability to act with courage that you want to remember and routinely call on going forward?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?