It’s an understatement to say that our lives can change in a blink of an eye! The lack of predictability of everyday life and both the potential heart ache and the joys from the unexpected are always there. Yet, in general, many of us don’t consciously live, in anticipation of something bad or something good about to happen in our day- to-day lives. Having said that there are certainly many of us who, on a regular basis, worry about and anticipate worse case scenarios about a range of matters – with and without cause. There are also many of us who constantly live in hopes of best case scenarios even against all odds.

Optimistic versus pessimist personality types may, in part, explain our mindset and ways we cope and navigate our lives when -‘just like that’-something changes. And, of course, our mindsets can help or hinder now we react and to what extent we call on our inner resources or others to be able to manage the unexpected. This includes an unexpected conflict with someone!

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a conflict that erupted totally unexpected – much to your surprise and consternation – when answering the questions below. That is – seemingly out of nowhere- a friend, colleague, family member, boss (or anyone else)- engages you in a dispute about something you said or did that upset them and you had no idea this was brewing.

• What was the scenario when- just like that -you were faced with the realization that you had upset someone?
• What specifically did the person accuse you of saying or doing?
• If there is truth to their accusation(s) what are the truths?
• What motivated you at the time to act as you did or say what you did that upset the other person?
• What do you think the person misinterpreted about your actions or what you said?
• What did you observe was the impact on the other person?
• What – did you want that person to know that they ultimately seemed to understand? What didn’t they understand?
• What did you hear or glean about the nature of the intentions the person attributed to you (regarding what you said or did)?
• What do you want the other person to know that you don’t think they do?
• What mindset do you think helps to cope with this sort of situation?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

Not much happens when we or someone else mispronounces the word Worcestershire other than some laughs and attempts to correct someone or ourselves and say it properly. In fact, funny memes and snippets of people trying to say this word abound on social media.  But saying the words “I was wrong “ is also very hard for many people and the response is likely to be far from laughing. More likely the receiver would feel grateful, relieved and often surprised.

The reality is interpersonal conflicts can spin out of control and create lingering tension because one or more people in the dispute will not take responsibility for their wrongdoing that hurt, disappointed and offended the other person(s) and utter those three words – “I was wrong”!

In my conflict work, as a mediator and as a conflict management coach, I repeatedly hear and observe how difficult it is for many people to admit their mistakes and missteps. I’ve thought a lot about what makes it challenging for so many and I typically, engage my coaching clients in conversations about this very thing to see what reasons they might suggest and, what awarenesses may arise by discussing what happened.

In no specific order, common insights and reflections (some stated – some gleaned) I have heard include the following: shame to admit wrongdoing, a need to be right and ‘win’ and make the other person wrong (at some level of consciousness), resistance to letting go of a firmly-held position, embarrassment, fear of the other person’s reaction, pride, losing face, ego, and other reasons. Some people of course, do not believe they did or said something wrong and may blame the other person and their sensibilities. Some say they have no idea why they won’t admit to the other person that they did or said something wrong even when they own that they did. In this regard, it is evident that some realize they have a pattern of holding onto what they are asserting rather than ‘giving in’ by admitting they are wrong.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a current interpersonal dispute in which saying “I was wrong” is difficult for you – in a situation when you know you were.

• What is the dispute about?
• What did you say or do that you know was wrong in that interaction?
• In what ways do you think you were you right?
• How did/does your wrong acts or words impact the other person? How are they impacting you?
• What are the possible reasons you will not admit you were wrong? (considering the list in the above blog for possible reasons)
• What do you suppose the other person might think your reasons are?
• What fears might you have about saying, “I was wrong”
• What do you lose by admitting you were wrong? What might you gain?
• What’s the worst case scenario if you say “I was wrong” to the other person in your conflict?
• What’s the best-case scenario?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

“Get comfortable with simply having observations instead of deeply engrained opinions.”

I don’t know whose quote this is, but it had a big impact on me when I first read it. It can apply to many types of situations! And  I was particularly struck by the application to interpersonal disputes and how to foster ways of getting comfortable with only having observations. I’d venture a guess many of us let opinions dominate our (my) reactions and so does the other person contributing to an untenable dynamic!

At some level of consciousness, considering my long career in the conflict management field as a mediator and coach, I believe I have tried  to engage more effectively in conflict. I know I have worked at refraining from jumping to making conclusions about people who trigger off strong reactions in me with how they act and what they say that hurts me. What I am still working on is the art of standing back in my heart and mind to be able to simply observe and ask questions rather than making assumptions and applying deeply held opinions!

I don’t think this is the easiest exercise given that we develop habits over time about many things in life, including how we react to others whose actions and words upset us. We don’t always think of our thought process including our assumptions as habitual ways of responding. But, I believe they are. And changing the embedded pattern we have created for ourselves – which also includes shifting the automatic places we go to in our hearts and minds about others’ motivations – takes some time. This certainly does require observing people more. And it includes observing ourselves more, too.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) exercise then, suggests you choose an interpersonal dispute you are or were involved in as you answer the following series of questions. They might help you consider your habits when it comes to interpersonal conflicts.

• What is/was the conflict about?
• What specifically did the other person say or do that triggered a bad reaction in you?
• How might you describe your reaction?
• What reasons came to you about why the other person said or did the things that bothered you most?
• Which of those reasons do you know are the case, for sure? Which might not be for sure?
• If you were watching this interaction and were not directly involved in it (those same things were said or done to someone else) what might you observe from that vantage point?
• What might you hear as you stand back from the conflict?
• If the person who said or did the things that upset you is a favourite person in your life, how might that change what you observed?
• What are the characteristics and habits you would like to have when it comes to how you manage conflict that you don’t have yet (what sort of mind set? heart set? disposition? other?)
• If you had those characteristics, what do you think would be different about the interaction you started with in this set of questions?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

With the discovery of mirror neurons in the early 1990’s, many scientists came to realize that we understand others not by thinking, but by feeling their experience. That is, mirror neurons let us not only “simulate” others’ actions. They also let us reflect the intentions and emotions behind those actions. For example, when we see someone smile our mirror neurons for smiling become activated in response, too, creating a sensation in our own mind of the feelings we associate with smiling.

When I became aware of this concept early on in my conflict management coaching practice, I also became more mindful about how I show up and the ways I might impact the many interactions I engage in with family, friends, coaching clients and so on. I observed more how others influenced me with their perceived moods, bodily and facial language, tone of voice and so on. I paid more attention to what I had sensed for a long time- a tendency to interpret and read into others’ ways of interacting. I found too that my interpretations were not always accurate, and this is when assumptions creeped into the picture. Luckily, this discovery and awareness resulted in me becoming more careful to check out what I am experiencing, to ask more questions and not rely on my own lens to interpret what I am observing and sensing.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog considers how we experience one another when in conflict and how we can set ourselves up for the conflict dynamic in ways that have an impact on the interrelationship – positively and negatively. Since we embody and convey energy it is a matter of holding up a mirror and reflecting what we attract and how we can be a magnet for good means and for not-so-good ones, too.

When responding to this set of questions, I suggest that you consider a situation in which you encountered negative emotions coming from someone with whom you are in dispute or it’s evident one is brewing:

• What is the situation?
• What is it you are sensing from the other person?
• From what specifically are you picking up those things (your answer to the above question) such as their tone of voice, body and facial language etc.?
• What is the impact on you?
• What do you suppose you are assuming about the other person including their intent?
• What might you be conveying to the other person through your facial language? Through your words and tone? Through your body language?
• In what ways are you conveying those messages (your answer to the previous question)?
• What sorts of negative interpretations might the other person be making about you based on what they are picking up?
• What might the other person do or say to shift the dynamic to a more positive one through their words, tone of voice, body and/or facial language?
• In what ways may you choose to influence the dynamic more positively through your words, tone of voice, body and/or facial language?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)