With the discovery of mirror neurons in the early 1990’s, many scientists came to realize that we understand others not by thinking, but by feeling their experience. That is, mirror neurons let us not only “simulate” others’ actions. They also let us reflect the intentions and emotions behind those actions. For example, when we see someone smile our mirror neurons for smiling become activated in response, too, creating a sensation in our own mind of the feelings we associate with smiling.

When I became aware of this concept early on in my conflict management coaching practice, I also became more mindful about how I show up and the ways I might impact the many interactions I engage in with family, friends, coaching clients and so on. I observed more how others influenced me with their perceived moods, bodily and facial language, tone of voice and so on. I paid more attention to what I had sensed for a long time- a tendency to interpret and read into others’ ways of interacting. I found too that my interpretations were not always accurate, and this is when assumptions creeped into the picture. Luckily, this discovery and awareness resulted in me becoming more careful to check out what I am experiencing, to ask more questions and not rely on my own lens to interpret what I am observing and sensing.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog considers how we experience one another when in conflict and how we can set ourselves up for the conflict dynamic in ways that have an impact on the interrelationship – positively and negatively. Since we embody and convey energy it is a matter of holding up a mirror and reflecting what we attract and how we can be a magnet for good means and for not-so-good ones, too.

When responding to this set of questions, I suggest that you consider a situation in which you encountered negative emotions coming from someone with whom you are in dispute or it’s evident one is brewing:

• What is the situation?
• What is it you are sensing from the other person?
• From what specifically are you picking up those things (your answer to the above question) such as their tone of voice, body and facial language etc.?
• What is the impact on you?
• What do you suppose you are assuming about the other person including their intent?
• What might you be conveying to the other person through your facial language? Through your words and tone? Through your body language?
• In what ways are you conveying those messages (your answer to the previous question)?
• What sorts of negative interpretations might the other person be making about you based on what they are picking up?
• What might the other person do or say to shift the dynamic to a more positive one through their words, tone of voice, body and/or facial language?
• In what ways may you choose to influence the dynamic more positively through your words, tone of voice, body and/or facial language?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

I don’t know about you but, I sometimes continue to feel a heaviness after a conflict is over for a protracted period of time. I might feel it in my heart, in my head, in my gut. In any case, I experience a sense that I am weighted down. Thoughts and feelings seem to remain with me whether it is what was said to me or how the other person interacted. Or, it may be what I said and how I interacted.

Recently, a coaching client was very specific in their description of the weight they felt they were carrying about an interpersonal dispute, with these words “ I feel like there’s a 50-pound weight across my shoulders and I am stooping over from the pain”. It was a poignant description and it took a while for the client to unpack their experience. And it was a good exercise for them to understand more fully what they were experiencing and the impact that continued to consume them. Their description gave me a strong sense of the heaviness of the weight they carried.

With this in mind, a metaphor regarding the weight of conflict might help you too, to release some of the heaviness you are experiencing about an interpersonal dispute, if that’s the case. Bringing that dispute to mind as you answer these questions, might help  to shed at least some of the weight you are carrying.

• What is the dispute about?
• What part(s) of that dispute are weighing heavily on you?
• In what part(s) of your body are you feeling that weight?
• How much weight in pounds or kilos – metaphorically speaking – would you attribute to what you are feeling (considering your answer to the above question)?
• What words describe the weight on you?
• What specifically was said or done by the other person that resulted in you feeling the amount of the weight you described?
• What specifically did you say or do that is also contributing to the weight you are experiencing?
• How do you want to feel instead about what happened? How or what do you want to feel about the other person? How or what do you want to feel about yourself?
• What do you think it would take – that you can do or say – to start to lessen the weight you are carrying?  What would you like to say to the other person to reduce the weight you are experiencing?
• If there’s been a reduction in the weight you have been experiencing as you ponder these questions, how heavy is it now as compared to before (in response to question 2)? Why is the weight now lower if it is? Or, if it feels higher what made it so?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

I don’t know about you but, I expect you share this experience. There are disputes I look back on and I wished I’d had the courage to step up to say what was on my mind. Then, there are those other occasions when I wish I had kept my mouth shut! In either case, I have considered that we also need compassion and dignity and self-respect to manage these situations well – whether to stand up or sit down reflects the most prudent choice.

I agree with the quote though – it takes courage to do both! And the period of time to decide on which approach serves us and the other person best happens in a nanosecond. That split second requires us to refrain from reacting so that our responses ultimately come from a place that reflects the way we want our courage (and other signs of conflict mastery) to be manifested in that instant and instance.

Deciding  to stand up for ourselves and others  and express our truth with courage, or listen before responding and possibly not weighing in at all are choices we have in all our disputes. For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog I suggest you consider a dispute about which you would like to explore these choices as you answer the following questions.

• What was the dispute about?
• When you look back, and consider the quote under the title of this blog, what was the choice you decided on – to speak or sit down?
• How did you choose that response?
• In what ways was it a good choice?
• In what ways might the other choice have more prudent?
• What makes it challenging for you to speak up if that’s the case- in general?
• What makes it challenging for you to sit down and listen if that’s the case- in general?
• If you had it to do this interaction again what else might you have said or done?
• What difference might that have made?
• Going forward, how might you decide which approach best suits the situation, the other person and you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

“You can forgive some people without welcoming them back into your life. Apology accepted, access denied.” Unknown

This quote really hit me when I saw it. It had me thinking about the range of responses my conflict management coaching clients express on their journeys to reconcile their interpersonal disputes. And I have been there, too. It’s those mixed feelings about wanting to get over the dissension and hard feelings about someone with whom we have had a conflict. It’s about how to get on with life without the negative aftermath that sometimes comes when we wonder about the relationship and whether we really want to continue it because of what was said or done. Or, we ponder what we want to say that hasn’t been expressed and whether to proceed to do so. We may be consumed with these and other thoughts and feelings that leaves us feeling that the conflict remains unfinished and we don’t know whether or how to forgive.

The fact is, there is no rule that says we must forgive. Some things are simply unforgivable. There is no rule either that we must maintain the relationship when what we liked about the person and the relationship now feels devoid of that, when our attachment to the person is fraying or torn apart, when we experienced something about the other person that surprised and hurt us, when our hearts are heavy with hurt, and the weight of it drags us down.

While, in many cases,  we might feel we want to continue the relationship after a disagreement appears to be resolved – especially with long term relationships. I wonder if, in some cases, that’s one of those ‘shoulds’ that sounds like the ‘right’ thing to do but is fraught with problems. Maybe, we need to think twice about whether all relationships need to continue when the hurt is deep, when the challenge to our values is egregious, when we cannot honestly look past the words or actions that affected us so deeply that we continue to ask ourselves the question – do I want to still have this person in my life?

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider the following series of questions to take a deeper look at an interpersonal dispute that continues to bother you and you are wondering – “I’ll accept their apology, but I no longer want them in my life.”

• What was the dispute about?
• What did the other person say or do that you are now wondering whether you want to continue the relationship?
• What was it about the person’s statement or action that remains especially hard for you to accept (or understand, tolerate etc.)?
• What was most unforgivable of all things you just expressed in response to the previous question?
• How did you react at the time of the dispute?
• How might you describe your feelings now about what occurred?
• What could the person say or do that you would accept as an apology, if anything?
• If you think that you can accept the apology but no longer want the relationship, how does that feel for you to consider that option?
• What will you gain if  “access is denied” (as per the quote above)?
• What might you think you would lose if  “access is denied”?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

“Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear your path.” Paul Coelho

This is one of my favourite conflict quotes. One of the reasons is that I have found the message to be true in more than one interpersonal conflict I have faced, and in those of my coaching clients trying to find their way through the morass of conflict.

I recall a situation with a friend I trusted and cared about deeply. I felt a kinship that was matched by few others in my life till then. I was grateful for how easy it was to be together, to talk endlessly, to share, to weep, to laugh, to just be. It was therefore a shock for me when this trusted friend blamed me for things I could not grasp or understand as they sounded so unlike who I am (or at least think I am). There was no warning that things were amiss – and then, no explanation that would give me an idea of what it was I did or said that lead to conclusions that made no sense to me.

When I attempted to get some answers I ended up being ‘ghosted’ and somehow I became the brunt of their anger. I did a lot of self-searching and all I seemed to have been able to come up in my state of mind was self-blame. Lack of information and the opportunity to talk things through and better understand what happened precluded the clarity I needed to reconcile what occurred- even if there was no hope of mending things. It took a while for me to face, sadly, that I had misperceived and misjudged this person I called friend and the connection I thought we had. That alone upset me as I am usually fairly perceptive.

In the end, after agonizing over losing someone I thought was a dear friend and feeling betrayed, the path cleared and I faced the fact that I will not always get the answers I need and want, that some people are not what they appear or pretend to be, that self-blame is a waste of time, that it is important to have conversations with those close to me about our respective needs and expectations, that what we need and want may not be compatible with someone else’s. It was a hard path and the lessons learned did not come easily, and the storm ultimately cleared the way.

Now it’s your turn. When you think of an outcome of a dispute with someone close that, in the end, cleared your path consider the following questions in this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions). I found them helpful in my own experience and hope they may be helpful for you, too:

• What was the storm that happened between you and a person you cared about that ended up in a schism between you?
• How would you describe the path the two of you were on in your relationship before that occurred?
• What did that person say or do that changed- for you – the way you though you two were connected?
• What is most hurtful for you now that you reflect back on this situation?
• How did the storm between you disrupt your life?
• In what sorts of self-blame did you engage?
• If you had the opportunity to speak to the other person again what might you say?
• What might you say or do differently if faced with the same set of facts or similar ones in the future (with someone else)?
• What lessons have you learned that you will carry forward?
• In what ways has the path forward been cleared for you as a consequence of that dispute?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)