“Do not speak unless you can improve the silence.”  Spanish Proverb

I love this quote when it comes to interpersonal conflict (well, anytime really). However,  considering relational disputes and particularly when we become reactive it is often the case that we cannot resist the urge to speak – to react.  Staying quiet and listening so that we can take stock and try to understand what is motivating the dynamic doesn’t happen easily, if at all, at these times and our emotions get in the way. In fact, when we are in a state of heightened emotions, we really have trouble hearing what is being said!

What takes over is the urge to defend ourselves, to be right and to make the other person wrong. So much is at stake when this happens, and we especially miss the opportunity silence provides us – to find out what is the crux of the dissension. We are not in a state of mind to contemplate important aspects of interpersonal conflict – what is important to the other person, to ourselves and to the relationship.

In short, silence is really our friend, when we become aware that conflict is erupting and even before that when we sense it coming. Silence, for instance, is a friend that will help us settle down and provide a forum in which we can more carefully listen to what is being said. Silence – as our friend – urges us to consider what the other person is saying and feeling, and to listen more closely too, to ourselves and what we are experiencing. This friend also helps us get to a place we can more effectively respond – having  an increased understanding of the conflict dynamic. For instance, once we settle ourselves, we can then consider the assumptions we are making and the root of our upset and that of the other’s.

For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog it will help to bring to mind a situation in which you weren’t silent in a dispute so that you can analyze how silence might have been a good friend.

• What was the situation? What three emotions best describe what you were feeling at the time?
• What most specifically occurred such that you found it hard to remain silent?
• How did you react outwardly i.e. what did you say or do? How did you react inwardly?
• What words best describe the impact on the other person?
• How did your reactions improve upon remaining silent do you think – for yourself? For the other person?
• What do you suppose precluded you from staying silent? In what ways  did not staying silent serve you?
• Generally speaking, what do you think gets in the way of remaining silent when we are in dispute with anther person?
• How do those things (that get in the way as per the previous question) impact the outcome positively ? Negatively?
• How might you determine when speaking improves the silence and when it doesn’t?
• What do you suppose might help you remain silent and listen before reacting in these situations (answer to the previous question)?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

When I think about several of my close relationships that have broken down it seems that one of the main reasons has been due to the loss of trust- demonstrated in all sort of ways. This might be your experience, too. And, if so, you have likely found this to be a very sad realization that a strong connection you have valued deeply is deeply broken. This is whether the interpersonal relationship is with a partner, a friend, a family member, a co-worker, a boss and so on. No matter who it is or in what ways the betrayal is enacted by the other person the hurt is profound and the schism is irreparable.

Though loss of trust might end the relationship altogether, there are situations in which we try our best to rectify things, to look beyond the loss, to make excuses, to try to forgive, to rationalize, to take responsibility and a myriad of other ways we might cope and try to move on. However, for many the loss is too hard to reconcile and even when, for all intents and purposes, we might make amends it is often the case that things are different from it was and remain irreconcilable at some level of our consciousness. We may even continue to reel from the person’s actions that cut us so deeply; we might remain or become increasingly suspicious about the other’s honesty; we may develop grudges that taint our interactions with the person; we may blame ourselves and wonder about our naivety, lack of judgement, awareness; we may mourn the loss indefinitely and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a conflict in which someone broke your trust:

• What was the situation including what the other person said or did that broke the trust between you?
• How would you describe the impact on you at the time?
• How did you handle this situation when you faced that trust was broken?
• How are handling the situation in the present?
• What’s the same about the relationship? What’s different if it is continuing?
• What do you wish you had said to the other person that you didn’t?
• In what ways are you blaming yourself if you are? If you are blaming yourself in these ways (these ways), what do you think you are gaining from doing so?
• What are you doing about the situation and relationship now?
• What might moving forward look like/be i.e., away from the relationship, in the relationship but with some caveats etc.)
• What might help you move forward in the way you would describe?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

“I’m at that stage of my life where I keep myself out of arguments even if you tell me 1+1=5 you’re absolutely correct, enjoy.”

I laughed when I read this quote (author unknown)! One of my conflict management coaching clients said something to this effect that same day, and both reminded me of the saying “pick your battles” – but, even more than that, too. My client’s mood and how I read the tone of this quote were more of the nature of ‘not worth the bother’, ‘makes me tired just thinking about it, ‘who cares, really?’

I decided, based on that conversation and the impact on the client, that this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog would speak to those sentiments and our reactions when disagreeing (arguing, asserting our views, etc.) just doesn’t feel like the way we want to spend our time and energy. With that in mind, it will help to bring to mind an interpersonal conflict for which these sentiments resonate as you respond to this series of questions:

• What is the conflict about?
• How would you describe your reaction to the conflict dynamic – in the nature of what was described above?
• How might you explain what is specifically motivating that reaction (your answer to the previous question)?
• If there was something the other person might have said or done that would have resulted in a different  reaction – such that you would have engaged with them – what would that have been?
• How would you have likely responded then?
• What are the positive things that have come out of you not engaging in this conflict?
• What hasn’t been as positive?
• What do you know about yourself that is evident by your reaction in the situation you described (first question)?
• What do you know about the types of conflicts – in general – from which you plan to stay away?
• Considering your answers to the questions so far, what do you know about the types of conflicts that are worth engaging in?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

Interpersonal conflicts are part of life, and we can resolve them if we put our minds to it 

Some interpersonal conflicts are irreconcilable

As much as we might want to resolve our interpersonal conflicts there’s no shame in facing the fact that some situations and relationships are not reconcilable. And even when there appears to be a resolution of our differences, it doesn’t mean we are at peace – internally.

In many conflicts I hear about from my coaching clients , and in my own experience, there is  the palpable need,  desire,  hope or the expectation that matters will be resolved – whether it’s with a partner, co-worker , boss, direct report, neighbour, friend and so on. In some cases though clients realize and I myself have faced the reality that the wound being experienced is too deep to be mended, that the relationship is beyond repair, that the connection has been lost.  This may be as a consequence of the extent to which deep values are being undermined, or that the other person’s betrayal is too egregious, or that their treatment of us is totally unacceptable and many other such reasons.

It doesn’t mean we accept this reality with ease, of course. We may spend time and energy trying to make things right, take on the responsibility of the breakdown in the relationship, engage in self-blame and otherwise put our energy into salvaging what has been lost.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a dispute you are in and questioning whether it is really reconcilable, and even whether that is the hope – any longer.

• What happened between you and the other person?
• What do you think makes things irreconcilable between you two?
• What were you hoping the outcome might be?
• What, if anything, do you want to preserve from the relationship?
• What are you realizing you don’t want from the relationship anymore?
• What do you want to feel about yourself that you don’t feel right now?
• What might the biggest loss be for you if things remain irreconcilable?
• What will you gain if things cannot be reconciled?
• What might the biggest loss be for the other person?
• What will you think about yourself – if you decide things are not reconcilable – that will give you peace?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

“Good relationships do not depend on whether we understand the other person. They depend on how well we manage our misunderstandings.” (author unknown)

It could happen on any day – for any number of reasons – that we find ourselves engaged in a misunderstanding in which we negatively react to something another person says or does. Or, someone negatively reacts to something we say or do.

Sometimes it’s clear what offends us. Sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it’s clear we offended the other person and why and sometimes it isn’t. We just know something bothers or upsets us or them at these times and we’re left feeling unsettled. Where we go in our minds (and hearts) reflects how we commonly process  conflict and what we tend to think and feel – in varying degrees – at these times

Focusing on one of your interpersonal disputes  in which you had a misunderstanding with a good friend (or family member or co-worker ), and reacted in ways you regret, this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) suggests you take a minute to take stock of what you are experiencing right now in that regard.

You might be struggling to know how you could have responded differently or at all. Or, you may be having an internal debate about  how to prepare yourself, in the future, when things start to derail. On the other hand, you may be wondering how to revisit the situation and make amends, clarify your intentions and so on.

To analyze these sorts of situations, this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a past dispute with someone with whom you usually have a good relationship and consider the following series of questions. Hopefully, they will  provide some insights into ways to more effectively manage this sort of misunderstanding whether it is with them or someone else.

• What did the other person say or do that initiated or perpetuated the idea conflict between you and them?
• What did you say or do that contributed to or initiated the conflict?
• How might an onlooker describe what happened between you two – taking neither side – and looking at the interaction objectively? What might that observer suggest you could have done more effectively?
• If the conflict is something you experienced internally only (the other person wasn’t aware at the time of what they were saying or doing to upset you) how would you describe your experience?
• If the conflict was externalized such that the other person knew you were upset and reacted to you – how might you describe what they observed regarding the impact on you and your experience of the conflict?
• How might you describe what you observed about the other person and their reaction at that time?
• How did you manage the situation well at the time – whether or not it was externalized? What did you like most about how you managed the situation?
• If you weren’t happy with how you managed the situation what are the reasons for that?
• If the other person wasn’t happy with how you managed the situation what do you think they would have preferred that you said or did (if you haven’t already explained how in response to the previous question)?
• What would you like to improve upon most to ensure you manage misunderstandings more effectively?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?