GIVING UP
Giving up on a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you are weak. It might very well mean you are strong enough to admit it and let go.
Over the many years that I’ve been a conflict management coach, many clients express sentiments that reflect self-undermining about their decision to stop fighting with someone and even end the relationship. These are often times they feel beleaguered by their interpersonal conflicts and no longer able to or wanting to assert their perspective and ‘fight the fight’ . They are typically full of self-blame and shame. And they have often reached their level of tolerance with the dynamic between them and another person.
Even using the words – ‘I am giving up’ is often accompanied by expressions of defeat by those who deem themselves as weak, unable to cope, and otherwise, using terms that reflect a perceived inability to assert their perspective, and gain what they want or need. Whether this self perception is due to ego driven factors, conditioning, societal pressure, or other reasons I find that many clients who use this term do not typically see themselves as strong for stopping the drama. Rather they often consider that letting go of the conflict and their position as weakness when it is really, they are demonstrating a sign of strength.
This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider your answers to the following questions regarding a conflict about which you are considering giving up.
- What is the situation about?
- What is your perspective that you are asserting (or want to assert)?
- What is the other person’s perspective, as far as you know?
- What about your perspective makes it right for you?
- What makes your perspective wrong for the other person?
- For what other reasons is the other person strongly holding on to their perspective ?
- How much does it matter to you on a scale of 1-10 to convince the other person to see things your way – 10 being very much and 1 being not at all?
- If you let go, what do you feel you would be giving up ?
- If the other person gave up what would that be like for you?
- What is weak about giving up this conflict for you?
- If you were to give up how might that be seen as a sign of strength?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?
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