Internal War versus Interpersonal Peace
“We have war when at least one of the parties to a conflict wants something more than it wants peace.” Jeane Kirkpatrick
I find this to be an interesting quote and though it does not necessarily apply to all sorts of conflicts it applies to interpersonal ‘wars’ in many cases. Our interpretation of how this sentence applies to an interpersonal dispute when one of us refuses to settle our differences and reach a mutually acceptable resolution is important to consider. Is it because, for instance, that we don’t share ideas on what constitutes peace?
In pondering this further, it’s worth considering that peace takes on various forms in our relational disputes. That is, for many, examples of peace include an end to the fighting, an apology, a ‘break up’, an acknowledgement of wrongdoing, an admission, acceptance of the other person’s perspective, an offer to settle the matter, taking ownership of ‘bad behaviour’, a promise to comply or try not to repeat the offensive ways of communicating. Knowing what we feel is a peaceful resolution and determining what the other person wants then, are critical for deciding whether either or both will be able to reach the peace they want.
When you think about a situation you are currently in or you have been in, there might be scenarios for which reconciling differences isn’t a shared goal – one that gives peace to you and the other person. This could be for various reasons including different definitions of what constitutes peace, and an internal war between thoughts and feelings about what will be best, feel best, and even look best going forward. The dissonance alone can create internal war and external manifestation of what we are experiencing. Further, though it may be that the dispute has no peaceful resolution that is mutually acceptable. This is a reality that warrants consideration when determining whether our internal war necessarily leads to interpersonal peace.
This Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an ongoing ‘war’ you are experiencing with another person as you answer these questions:
- What is the ‘war’ about from your perspective?
- What do you think led to the start of the ‘war’?
- What is the internal war you are experiencing -in your heart and thoughts – about the other person? About what they said or did?
- If you want there to be peace, what would that look like (be like, feel like) for you?
- If you don’t necessarily want peace between you and the other person, what are the reasons? What do you want instead?
- What do you think it would take to gain peace between you and the other person if you want it?
- What might the other person explain the ‘war’ between you?
- What might their internal war be about, as far as you know or can perceive ?
- If the other person does not want peace, what reasons might there be, from what you can tell/know?
- If the other person wants peace between you, what do you think they hope you will say or do to lean the dispute between you in that direction?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?
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