Regrets from Conflict
For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular a couple of years ago. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted May 17, 2016):
After an interpersonal conflict is over – or, ostensibly over – it is not unusual to carry around ongoing regrets. We may regret what we said or didn’t say; we may regret giving in; we may regret prolonging the conflict; we may regret how we acted; we may regret the loss of the relationship or resulting changes in how we relate now.
It isn’t always the case, though it often happens, that regrets linger long after our other emotions about the conflict dissipate. They remain as a heavy weight that holds us down – making it difficult to move on.
If you are carrying some regrets about a conflict, the following questions will hopefully help you unpack them.
- What was the conflict about?
- What do you regret about what you said or did, or didn’t say or do in that conflict?
- What specifically lingers on for you?
- How has that (your answer to the previous question) had an impact on the relationship with the other person?
- What 3 words describe the lasting impact on you?
- What 3 words do you want to replace the above 3 words (your answer to the previous question)?
- What don’t you regret about the conflict?
- If you didn’t carry around the regrets anymore, how would that change the relationship?
- What other changes would there be if you stop carrying around the regrets anymore?
- What did you learn about yourself in the conflict that will help you manage future interpersonal conflicts more effectively?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have?
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