Holding on to Conflict
Since the New Year I seem to have an increase in the number of conflict management coaching clients who started 2017 with hopes of moving on from hurts they experienced in their interpersonal conflicts. These disputes may be with partners, other family members, friends or colleagues. Their stated expectations are generally that they hoped they would be more resilient and able to let go by expressing this desire and starting the New Year with a forgiving mindset. However, those seeking coaching find themselves agonizing over things said or not said by them and to them, and setting their intentions is not sufficient.
Trying to be deliberate about shifting our mindsets is certainly a way to begin the process of moving on (whether or not the goal is related to conflict). However, it is often a challenge to leave things that upset up behind and requires this and other efforts, too, to get out of our own ways and be able to move on.
Reflective questions sometimes facilitate this journey and this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog suggests some that might help if you find yourself holding on to unresolved hurts from a conflict.
- What was the conflict about?
- What part of it is staying with you that feels unresolved?
- What are you thinking about when that part comes to your head now? What are you feeling about it?
- How does holding on help the relationship? How does holding on not help the relationship?
- If you were to move past this situation, what would that be like for you?
- How would getting past it impact the other person?
- What will you leave behind?
- What keeps you from moving past the situation?
- What could you do to help yourself?
- What could the other person do if you made a request or her or him?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have?
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