“The first step is clearly defining what it is you’re after, because without knowing that you’ll never get it” ~ Halle Berry

In any type of coaching the first main question coaches ask clients is what they want to achieve. Whether it is that day or overall – the idea, of course, is to determine the goals of people who want to make changes in their lives. When it comes to conflict management coaching, clients’ goals are typically long term such as being more conflict competent, becoming less avoidant about conflict, gaining more confidence when it comes to difficult conversations and so on. The importance of getting clear on what clients and we want to accomplish when it comes to our interpersonal disputes cannot be overstated.

What I have found as a coach with a conflict speciality is that what clients say they want in conflict usually extends well beyond what issues are in dispute, and what they initially express as their hope and desire. They are often apprehensive about expressing what is on their mind and about approaching the other person to resolve or at least, discuss things. For instance, someone might say “I want to explain to my boss why I couldn’t get the job done on time and I know they will freak out and I won’t know how to deal with that!” There are many possible underlying goals here and that’s exactly what coaches aim to elicit so that there is clarity about what is most important to clients. In this example, the client’s underlying goal might be to improve the way they deliver messages, to be better skilled at responding rather than reacting to people who “freak out”, to establish a connection with the boss who might be underestimating the client’s skills and so on. So, there could be many more goals or one main one.

The message though, as you see, is to define what it is that clients (and we) are after when in dispute  so that attempts to determine goals are properly focused on what is really and truly wanted and not what initially comes to us while in the heat of the dispute. As Halle Berry says in the quote above –“without knowing what you are after you’ll never get it”.

With this in mind, I invite you to bring to mind an interpersonal dispute about which you are feeling apprehensive to address. This exercise is to support you as you deconstruct the situation with these questions to gain clarity on what it is you really want.

• What is the dispute about?
• What started this conflict from your perspective?
• Where are things at right now for you?
• What would the other person say the dispute is about? What would they say started it? How might they describe where things are now?
• What do you want to have happen about the issue(s) in dispute? What else? Thinking more about it -anything else?
• What do you want to have happen with the relationship? What else?
• What might the other person want to have happen in the dispute? What else? Thinking more about it – anything else?
• What might they want regarding the relationship? What else?
• What do you fear most? What fears might the other person have?
• What are you not considering here – now that you are deconstructing that conflict – that might be fueling your apprehension about moving forward with your goals?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(From the archives)

I don’t recall the name of the book in which I read this quote but, it struck me as a poignant one and has stayed with me.

Though not always recognized as such, we need courage for many things we encounter in our day to day lives that make us afraid. And I find that when it comes to interpersonal conflict fears preclude speaking our truth and, among other things, they get in the way of strengthening our relationships, our confidence and even our self-worth. In keeping with the title of this blog then, ignoring our fears (though admittedly hard to do!) makes space for us to rely on our bravery to make important choices and to take action that serve us better.

What fears might you experience when it comes to your relational disputes? I have had fears of being hurt or abandoned when I’m in conflict with others, of being shamed, and of losing face.  I’ve also experienced fears about feeling guilty, and about the possibility of unresolved or irreconcilable issues resulting from the conflict.  Similarly, fears of possible irreparable damage or awful confrontation preclude speaking up. I’ve had fears, too, that I won’t walk away (even when that’s actually the optimum outcome).  These are just some of the many fears I can recall about my own relational disputes and I’ve heard these sorts of fears and others from my coaching clients, too.

Identifying our fears ends up being an important exercise because it helps us process what’s keeping us from drawing on our courage to speak up and out. Once we bring our fears about any given conflict to our conscious awareness we can then consider their reality and ways to ignore them so they won’t stop us from being true to ourselves.

For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog I suggest you bring to mind an interpersonal conflict about which you fear what to say or do, or whether to say or do anything.

• What’s the situation?
• How would you describe the fears you are experiencing about this?
• What’s the worst case scenario you are imagining?
• What could the worst case scenario be like for you? In what ways is this possibility realistic? Not realistic?
• What possible good (best case scenario) might come out of this dispute?
• How would you describe what courage looks like – to be able to ignore the fears you expressed and address this conflict the way you want (and aim for the best case scenario – your answer to the above question)?
• What more specifically do you need, do you think, to overcome your fears in the situation you are discussing here (including if it means walking away)?
• What would it feel like for you to use your courage to handle this conflict the way you want?
• If you don’t handle the conflict the way you really want what difference will that make for you, if any?
• When you feel bravest about anything you face that is difficult, what do you think helps you most to engage your ability to act with courage that you want to remember and routinely call on going forward?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

As has been my tradition for over 20 years, I like to share with you my Conflict Resolutions each year. So, these are for 2026! And yes, I’m still working on some of the ones I included last year!

This year I will respect, appreciate and honour our differences.

This year I will remember I have room in my heart to love more and to love more deeply.

This year I will cherish my family and my friends and colleagues even more and continue to tell them how grateful I am that they are in my life, and how much I love them.

This year I will listen more deeply – and with more compassion, kindness, and love.

This year I will approach my interpersonal conflicts with increased thoughtfulness, patience, and openness. I will step back with humility to fully consider the other person’s perspective and apologize when I have wronged or hurt them. And in the aftermath of the conflict I will consider what I learned and not spend unnecessary energy on self-blame.

This year I will be true to and gentle with myself and treat others as though we share these intentions for our respective well-beings.

This year I will speak my truth and welcome others to speak theirs and I will carefully listen to them without judgment.

This year I will admit when I misspeak and learn from the mistakes I make. I will forgive myself for misspeaking and making mistakes and I will forgive others for theirs.

This year I will reach out, even more, to give support and caring to those in need.

This year I will do more to build peace – one person at a time.

Sending you my warmest regards and may year 2026 be full of joy and good health and love for you and yours  – and peace for us all.

Cinnie Noble, CINERGY® Coaching

www.cinergycoaching.com

I don’t recall the name of the  book in which I read this quote but,  it struck me as a poignant one and has stayed with me.

Though not always recognized as such, we need courage for many things we encounter in our day to day lives that make us afraid. And I find that when it comes to interpersonal conflict fears preclude speaking our truth and, among other things, they get in the way of strengthening our relationships, our confidence and even our self-worth. In keeping with the title of this blog then, ignoring our fears (though admittedly hard to do!) makes space for us to rely on our bravery to  make important choices and to take action that serve us better.

What fears might you experience when it comes to your relational disputes? I have had fears of being hurt or abandoned when I’m in conflict with others, of being shamed, and of losing face.  I’ve also experienced fears about feeling guilty, and about the possibility of unresolved or irreconcilable issues resulting from the conflict. Similarly, fears of possible irreparable damage or awful confrontation preclude speaking up. I’ve had fears too, that I won’t walk away (even when that’s actually the optimum outcome).  These are just some of the many fears I can recall about my own relational disputes and I’ve heard these sorts of fears and others from my coaching clients, too.

Identifying our fears ends up being an important exercise because it helps us process what’s keeping us from drawing on our courage to speak up and out. Once we bring our fears about any given conflict to our conscious awareness we can then consider their reality and ways to work ignore them so they won’t stop us from being true to ourselves.

For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions)  blog I suggest you bring to mind an interpersonal conflict about which you fear what to say or do, or whether to say or do anything.

• What’s the situation?
• How would you describe the fears you are experiencing about this?
• What’s the worse case scenario you are imagining?
• What could the worse case scenario be like for you? In what ways is this possibility realistic? Not realistic?
• What possible good (best case scenario) might come out of this dispute?
• How would you describe what courage looks like – to be able to ignore the fears you expressed  and address this conflict the way you want (and aim for the best case scenario – your answer to the above question)?
• What more specifically do you need, do you think, to overcome your fears in the situation you are discussing here (including if it means walking away)?
• What would it feel like for you to use your courage to handle this conflict the way you want?
• If you don’t handle the conflict the way you really want what difference will that make for you, if any?
• When you feel bravest about anything you face that is difficult, what do you think helps you most to engage your ability to act with courage that you want to remember and routinely call on going forward?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

“It’s impossible,” said fear.
“It’s risky,” said experience.
“It’s pointless,” said reason.
“Give it a try,” whispered the heart.

The above quote (not attributed to an author) caught my attention for several reasons and one of those is that the first three are common sentiments expressed by many of my conflict management coaching clients. With increased awareness, confidence, and conflict competence gained through coaching clients’ shifts are often towards determining and acting on some ways to get in touch with their self-limiting beliefs to be able to mend the broken relationship and mend their pain (these two results are not always one and the same). When the shift occurs it is evident that the shift is typically from the heart rather than from the range of reasons that have till then precluded ‘heartfelt action’.

When I hear the statement – “It’s impossible” – many people involved in an interpersonal dispute automatically go to a place of fear about how to proceed. They might say, ‘I know them – it just isn’t going to work’; ‘what if they reject me even more?’ and ‘what if they won’t accept my apology?’ These and other phrases and questions not only reflect fundamental fear about being rejected (which often has deep roots). They also reflect the next point – “It’s risky” – which is similarly experienced based. Certainly, previous trauma and other situations from our pasts form the foundation that precludes action and making decisions when the situation brings up scary and threatening histories. Other reasons based on our past experiences with this person or with others regarding interpersonal disputes results in us thinking it’s risky to try again leading to – “It’s pointless”. This is commonly heard when clients feel hopeless, bereft, and full of doubt that anything can be salvaged, or that their attempts to try could be successful. Many who say this are trying to be practical rather than put themselves through more grief.

The reasons stated here and many more contribute to the hesitance many of us feel about the thought of trying to make amends or even finding a way to re-engage persons with whom we are in dispute – whether to bridge the schism or to speak our truth which might not necessarily do so.

“Give it a try” the last point in the quote though is very often what our hearts really want to do. It’s the “whisper” that is there – that doesn’t speak louder until we are ready – if we have some hope to be heard, to make amends, to let go and so on. When the pain from the conflict is deep, it is of course, harder to act and therefore, more difficult to consider attempts at reconciliation or otherwise confronting the other person’s bad behaviour. Such attempts seem too “impossible”, “risky”, and “pointless”. And underneath the hesitancy to see how to make amends or speak out we likely know, at some level of our consciousness, that our fears, past experiences, and reason are drowning out the whisper – and we are missing an opportunity to find some peace.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to see if you can find yourself in the three sentences of the quote above and consider what your heart is whispering.

• What situation do you have in mind when thinking about a conflict that you are hesitant to act on?
• What is your heart feeling and whispering to you right now about this conflict?
• What makes acting on this situation (making amends, speaking out etc.) impossible?
• What are the underlying fears about acting on the situation?
• What’s risky about acting on the situation?
• Which of your life experiences is talking here?
• What reasons might it be pointless to act on this situation from your perspective?
• What is the impact on you when you consider reconciling your differences with the other person (if you want to) or, otherwise giving voice to your experience – the not yet spoken words?
• What is your heart whispering to you now as you consider various things here (same as above or if different, how so)?
• What do you really want to say to the other person if you were to feel/believe you have whatever takes to act on what your heart is now whispering? What do you think it will take?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)