Being conflict intelligent is, among other things, about engaging effectively in conflict. It is not about avoiding, or being right, or getting our way. Rather, conflict intelligent people are humble, compassionate, and strive to listen and understand what is causing the discord. Being conflict intelligent is also about identifying differences, mending relationships, and forgiving. Conflict intelligence may be learned.
What do you have to learn – to be more conflict intelligent?
Some of us can be downright mean when we are in conflict. We say hurtful things and then afterwards, think the other person should just let it go and forgive our conduct. We might even make excuses we think are easily understandable and not take responsibility for our words or action.
What is the point of being mean if you tend to be so?
It sometimes happens in a conflict that we get in our own way of making it a positive experience. We don’t consider that sharing what is important to us both will bring to the surface the sorts of things that will lead to a mutually acceptable and respectful solution.
How are you getting in the way of a conflict having a hopeful settlement?
Interpersonal conflict implies that we are on opposite sides of a matter. However, it is just as feasible that we are on the same page. That is, with some careful thought it is likely that collaborative efforts yield mutually acceptable results. They may not be exactly what we want but they are often not as disparate as they seemed when the conflict first emerged.
What mutually acceptable resolution of a conflict will satisfy you – even if it’s not perfect?
Mick Jagger’s lyric “you can’t always get what you want” may just be a motto about resolving conflict. The following words of this song – “but if you try real hard you just may find you get what you need” are a reminder that underneath the expressed ‘want’ is something that reflects the unexpressed ‘need’. We are not always aware that what sometimes exacerbates conflict is that we need something from the other person that she or he is not delivering on. For instance, we may need more love, respect, attention, thoughtfulness, consideration, compassion and so on.
What do you need from the other person that she or he is not delivering on?
