Recently, a colleague asked whether I think my clients want to resolve or solve things when they come for conflict management coaching. I found that a very interesting question and pondered about the differences and how they show up. And then, I thought more about what I would say in response to the question. I would say that most of my clients want both solution and resolution but, mostly resolution.

The main difference between solve and resolve, according to one source, is that solve usually refers to the process of finding a correct answer to the problem. Resolve refers to bringing the problem to an end or conclusion. There is no set answer for resolving a problem, but there is for solving a problem. This is an important distinction to consider especially when two people dispute about their differing views about what they want to have happen – solve, resolve or both. I am thinking it’s worth exploring with my clients what is most important to them and why.

As I thought about this further I realize when we are involved in an interpersonal dispute it isn’t necessarily straightforward to distinguish whether both of us want to revolve things or solve the issues or both. It may be that one of us wants to solve things and the other to resolve them – whether or not the issues are solved. That is, for some, the best case scenario might be that the problem ends and being solved isn’t as important as the dissension ending (even though the issues remain unresolved). For instance, we could agree to disagree, or conclude there isn’t a mutually satisfactory solution. We might decide the problem isn’t serious enough to warrant continuing debate and hard feelings that appear to be irreconcilable. We may decide to relent to the solution the other person wants and figure out a way to have some inner reconciliation to be able to move on and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an interpersonal dispute – one about which you are aware one of you  wants resolution and the other wants solution.

• What is the dispute about?
• What are the main issues in dispute?
• What do you want as an outcome?
• What is preferable for you – to solve or resolve or to both solve and resolve this dispute?
• Why do you want to solve it or why do you want to resolve it? Or, why do you want to both solve and resolve the dispute?If you want the issues solved and resolved what would a good resolution be in your view?
• What might the other person say the main issues in dispute are from their perspective?
• Which do you suppose that person is aiming for – to solve or resolve things? Or, solve and resolve? Why do you say that (your answer here)?
• What might the other person view as a way to resolve things?
• Where are the two of you farthest part when it comes to solving and resolving things? Where are the two of you closest?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

When I think about several of my close relationships that have broken down it seems that one of the main reasons has been due to the loss of trust- demonstrated in all sort of ways. This might be your experience, too. And, if so, you have likely found this to be a very sad realization that a strong connection you have valued deeply is deeply broken. This is whether the interpersonal relationship is with a partner, a friend, a family member, a co-worker, a boss and so on. No matter who it is or in what ways the betrayal is enacted by the other person the hurt is profound and the schism is irreparable.

Though loss of trust might end the relationship altogether, there are situations in which we try our best to rectify things, to look beyond the loss, to make excuses, to try to forgive, to rationalize, to take responsibility and a myriad of other ways we might cope and try to move on. However, for many the loss is too hard to reconcile and even when, for all intents and purposes, we might make amends it is often the case that things are different from it was and remain irreconcilable at some level of our consciousness. We may even continue to reel from the person’s actions that cut us so deeply; we might remain or become increasingly suspicious about the other’s honesty; we may develop grudges that taint our interactions with the person; we may blame ourselves and wonder about our naivety, lack of judgement, awareness; we may mourn the loss indefinitely and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a conflict in which someone broke your trust:

• What was the situation including what the other person said or did that broke the trust between you?
• How would you describe the impact on you at the time?
• How did you handle this situation when you faced that trust was broken?
• How are handling the situation in the present?
• What’s the same about the relationship? What’s different if it is continuing?
• What do you wish you had said to the other person that you didn’t?
• In what ways are you blaming yourself if you are? If you are blaming yourself in these ways (these ways), what do you think you are gaining from doing so?
• What are you doing about the situation and relationship now?
• What might moving forward look like/be i.e., away from the relationship, in the relationship but with some caveats etc.)
• What might help you move forward in the way you would describe?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

“You just need enough bravery for the next step, not the whole staircase”

Avoidance is one of the many styles we have to choose from when it comes to our relational disputes. As with other styles we have come to learn and use, for whatever reasons we do so, they become habitual and changing them is a huge challenge.

The reality is that avoiding conflict is one of the most common methods for managing conflict and having this pattern may mean, among other things, we let our fears take over. It may mean not speaking out and expressing our feelings and our truths. It may mean we are afraid to confront the other person for their bad behaviour – afraid to stand up for ourselves. Further, we may fear a backlash (we imagine or know could happen from previous experience) we cannot control or want to deal with. Our fears prevail – fears of alienating and upsetting the other person beyond repair, fears of saying things we will forever regret, fears of having to deal with the unsettled and prolonged reactions – ours and theirs, fears about not trusting ourselves, and so on. These and other fears keep us from feeling brave and addressing the issues in dispute and its impact on us and the relationship*.

What happens to many of us when we consider raising an issue with another person or when we feel stung by what they have said or done is that we want things to get resolved and for things to be better as soon as possible.  We want the other person to understand what we are asking for, saying or disputing without things negatively escalating between us. The pathway of getting through and then, past what occurred in our disputes feels onerous at these times and we experience a range of physical and emotional reactions which are difficult to navigate. We do not feel strong and courageous.

*(I am not talking here about the experiences and fears of physical, verbal and emotional abuse. Rather, this blog and other Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blogs are about interpersonal disputes i.e. arguments  and other interactions where we and another person (or persons) are sparring about issues important to us – not including abusive behaviours. Some of us may, of course, experience the interactions as abusive and some of the questions below may not apply.)

This week’s blog considers the little steps it takes – one by one – to move forward in these sorts of situations. I suggest you bring to mind a situation you want to address with the other person and you are feeling fearful about doing so as you answer the following questions.

• What is the situation that is causing you concern?
• About what are you most fearful?
• Which of those fears are least likely to happen? Which of those fears are most likely to happen?
• What are the main issues in dispute for you? What do you think the main issues are for the other person?
• What’s most important to you regarding this dispute?
• What outcome might the other person want?  What makes that important to them?
• What will you stay away from saying?  What will you say if you get provoked that will help you get through this? What other intentions may you set before proceeding?
• How do you want to “be” throughout this to remain conscious of what is important to you?
• What is the first step you might consider before you approach the other person about the situation if you decide to proceed? What other steps might you need to take before you feel ready to raise the issue?
• To feel brave about taking the first step what do you need to tell yourself? What do you want to be thinking about your courage to make it a reality? What would it take to take the next steps?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

Interpersonal conflicts are part of life, and we can resolve them if we put our minds to it 

Some interpersonal conflicts are irreconcilable

As much as we might want to resolve our interpersonal conflicts there’s no shame in facing the fact that some situations and relationships are not reconcilable. And even when there appears to be a resolution of our differences, it doesn’t mean we are at peace – internally.

In many conflicts I hear about from my coaching clients , and in my own experience, there is  the palpable need,  desire,  hope or the expectation that matters will be resolved – whether it’s with a partner, co-worker , boss, direct report, neighbour, friend and so on. In some cases though clients realize and I myself have faced the reality that the wound being experienced is too deep to be mended, that the relationship is beyond repair, that the connection has been lost.  This may be as a consequence of the extent to which deep values are being undermined, or that the other person’s betrayal is too egregious, or that their treatment of us is totally unacceptable and many other such reasons.

It doesn’t mean we accept this reality with ease, of course. We may spend time and energy trying to make things right, take on the responsibility of the breakdown in the relationship, engage in self-blame and otherwise put our energy into salvaging what has been lost.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a dispute you are in and questioning whether it is really reconcilable, and even whether that is the hope – any longer.

• What happened between you and the other person?
• What do you think makes things irreconcilable between you two?
• What were you hoping the outcome might be?
• What, if anything, do you want to preserve from the relationship?
• What are you realizing you don’t want from the relationship anymore?
• What do you want to feel about yourself that you don’t feel right now?
• What might the biggest loss be for you if things remain irreconcilable?
• What will you gain if things cannot be reconciled?
• What might the biggest loss be for the other person?
• What will you think about yourself – if you decide things are not reconcilable – that will give you peace?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

I found this picture to be so poignant. It made me think of how combustible interpersonal disputes can be – literally – and how the toxicity and negativity can spread so easily. And the spread is not just to the other person in the dispute. But, it is also to anyone who might be near, who might overhear the heated exchange, who might listen reluctantly or even with interest as the people in dispute convey what happened in their perceptions, or it might be anyone else who is otherwise impacted by the dispute.

If we know or learn when and how to step away from escalating conflicts and the “fire” that goes along with them, the chances are we not only curtail the spread of the negativity and irreconcilable damage. We are also able to regain our composure so that we can address the situation with calm and dignity that escape us when we don’t step away from the flames of the dispute. This is whether or not we initiated it in the first place.

In some cases we might need to walk away altogether and not revisit or try to reconcile matters. In other cases, we walk away temporarily as we regain our equilibrium and reflect on how we want to proceed. In either case, there is power in staying in the part of our brain that removes ourselves from the burning words and the atmosphere they create to decide on what we want to do about the dispute.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an escalating conflict you are experiencing as you answer these questions and ponder the power of stepping away.

• What are the flames of the dispute all about from your perspective?
• What are the flames about, as far as you can tell, from the other person’s perspective?
• What are you experiencing right now about this dispute?
• Who else is becoming impacted by the dispute?
• What are the advantages to you of stepping away at this point in time? What are the disadvantages of stepping away?
• What sort of power are you experiencing in this dispute that you want or need to get what you are fighting for (and therefore want to fight it out rather than step away)?
• How is that power supporting and helping you make your point, win over the other person, etc.? How is the power you have not working?
• What power might you gain by stepping away temporarily?
• What might you gain by stepping away altogether on the basis that the relationship is not one you wish to continue?
• What would help you step away in either case if you think it’s the optimal option for you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)