The story in the song The Gambler – most famously sung by American country music singer Kenny Rogers – is about two people on a train “bound for nowhere”. One of the people is a gambler who perceives the other person he meets is down on his luck (“out of aces”). The gambler offers up advice if the person will give him his last swallow of whiskey. (The Wikipedia description of this encounter refers to the male gender but presumably it need not be.)

After the gambler takes the drink he gives this advice:

“You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,
Know when to walk away, know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table,
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done.”

The gambler then mentions that the “secret to survivin’ is knowing what to throw away, and knowing what to keep”.

According to Wikipedia, some believe the song is not simply useful advice and tips on gambling, but in fact a wider “metaphor” for life itself, with the “cards” which the gambler plays signifying the choices we make in our lives. However, there is no line in the song which proves this theory.

The Gambler is a catchy song and even as we “speak” I can’t help but hum the tune. And it seems to me the gambler’s advice is indeed a metaphor applicable to other of life’s circumstances, including conflict. That is, whether before, during or after conflict, we have choices about how to manage the situation. We can hold onto our positions; we can concede to the other; we can collaborate or compromise; we can walk away with our heads held high; we can walk away in anger; we can resolve things amicably; or we can let things fester. The list of our choices is endless, and the following questions are good ones to consider if you are wondering what to do about a specific dispute.

• What is the dispute about?
• What is your position that you are holding onto on how you want things resolved?
• What makes that position particularly important to hold onto?
• If you hold onto your position, what are the possible outcomes?
• What other options for resolution might there be that may be acceptable to you?
• How might those options – referred to in the previous question – work for the other person?
• If you were to “fold ‘em” in this conflict, what does that mean to you?
• In what ways may folding your position actually be a positive choice? How would you know when to “fold ‘em” to make it positive?
• How is “folding ‘em” a negative choice?
• What choices might work for both of you? If you don’t want a mutually acceptable choice how will you proceed?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(Popular- from the archives)

How many times – after an interpersonal conflict has occurred – have you said to yourself, “I wish I had said that or I wish I hadn’t said that”? It’s the sort of recrimination that stays with us and we can metaphorically kick ourselves about it – indefinitely. However, these sorts of regrets do not necessarily change our reactions the next time we are faced with the same person or type of situation. Rather, we often repeat patterns and proceed to get ourselves wrapped up in the same self-blame cycle.

It’s not easy to revisit our conflicts with the intention of figuring out how to change habits that have become entrenched over time. Though our repeated reactions may be ones we and others do not like about us, apologies and forgiveness have a way of assuaging some (but not all of) them. We then move on, with a sense that things are mended. However, the person(s) on the receiving end may reach a saturation point – often getting to that point before we face the fact that it’s no longer tolerable, forgivable, or just plain ‘okay’ to regurgitate time-worn antics.

If you want to begin to change a way of reacting that you have repeatedly apologized for (due to repeating a pattern of interacting that is not effective), here are some questions that will hopefully help the change process. I suggest you bring to mind actions, words, an attitude and so on that you demonstrate when in conflict and you know others don’t like about you – and that you don’t like about yourself – as you reflect on the following questions:

• What do you repeatedly say or do when in conflict that you would like to change (giving also an example of a situation when this last occurred)?
• What don’t you like about yourself when you said, did or acted like that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What was going on in your head and heart as you said or did that in the situation you are revisiting here? What are you aware of that triggered your reaction?
• What typically happens for you – internally – when you say, do or act the way you describe that occurred in this scenario? What reactions do you commonly hear from the other person?
• In the same situation, what did you want to happen that didn’t? What did happen that has regretfully stayed with you?
• Why do you suppose you repeat the words, actions, etc. such as those you described in this situation – even though you realize you later regret them?
• If you were to stop repeating the words, actions, etc. you don’t like, what would you replace it/them with that might be more effective?
• By doing so (your answer to the previous question), what may you achieve for yourself? For the other person?
• As you revisit the conflict considered here, what is occurring to you about ways your answers apply to other conflicts? What variables may be different when it comes to other conflicts?
• Having revisited a conflict and your reaction, what do you intend to do differently the next time you are faced with a similar situation?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(Popular- from the archives)

This quote applies to just about everything I guess 😊 And, it is used here in our conversation today as it relates to interpersonal conflict.

There have been so many times after interpersonal conflicts that I’ve wanted a do-over!  I think of things I wished I’d said or hadn’t said. I think of what I might have misinterpreted. I think of how else I should have reacted. I wonder what I don’t know, what I didn’t ask, what the other person may not know or what they interpreted – incorrectly – and so on.

As in other blogs in which I have talked about the aftermath of conflict and its many machinations, this one invites you to consider what might be a way forward regarding a dispute you have had when you find yourself going back – agonizing, worrying, mad at yourself, angry at the other person. So, consider a dispute about which you wish it had a better ending. You might feel as though there is no recourse at this point. The questions for this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog contemplate what might support your quest to find a better ending despite these feelings.

• What was the dispute about?
• About what specifically do you continue to agonize?
• Consider what do you wish you had said? Not said?
• How might you describe the current ending of that dispute?
• How might the other person describe where things are at now between you?
• What don’t you know about the other person and their experience of the dispute, at this point? What doesn’t the other person know about you and your experience of the dispute do you think?
• What is your preferred ending to this dispute?
• What might you say or do to make your preferred ending a reality?
• What challenges will you face to make the preferred ending happen? How will you overcome those challenges?
• How will you feel when the preferred ending is reached? How might the other person feel?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

In a wonderful book entitled The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy, there are many quotes in it that touch me. One of them shows a boy on a horse and he clearly looks beleaguered. He says “This storm is making me tired”, to which the horse replies “Storms get tired too. So, hold on”. And this week’s Conflict Master Quest(ions) blog considers the storms we experience when we are in conflict and what that feels like.

It’s an understatement to say our reactions to being in conflict are variable. The impact on us and how we respond may depend on the person with whom we are in dispute, what we are arguing about, how deeply hurt we feel, the range of other impacts we are experiencing, what values we perceive are being undermined, threatened or challenged , how often the same issues arise, and so on. And we are all very different in how we respond. Whatever we are experiencing – thinking and feeling- we are in a storm of sorts though and the impact has us whirling, scared, hyper-vigilant, and full of many other reactions including fatigue. The horse in the quote above is right – the storm gets tired too and that is an important metaphor to consider when it comes to heightened emotions and an escalation on a conflict we are in.

The degree to which we are reacting, the depth of our emotions, the intensity of the situation and dissension wanes over time and it is likely that when that happens we are in a better frame of mind and heart to be able to use calm instead of high emotions to see if things can be reconciled. This set of questions invites you to examine a storm you are in with another person.

• How might you describe the storm between you and the other person?
• What is whirling around you in this storm?
• How would you describe the feelings you are experiencing in the storm?
• What frightens you most?
• When the storm settles how do you want things to be?
• What will that feel like for you (your answer to the above question)?
• How might the other person describe the storm around them? What do you think might be whirling around them? What feelings might they be experiencing?
• On what may the two of you agree on?
• What do you think it would take for the storm to end between you too?
• How might you contribute to ending the storm? What contribution might you ask of the other person to help end the storm?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

In the midst of interpersonal conflict, it’s difficult to be kind to the other person – no matter how kind a person we may usually be. It is also difficult to be kind to ourselves. It’s understandable that when our equilibrium is off due to tension and the inability to get out of hurt, blame and defensiveness, that calling on our kindness is not a way of being that we can imagine, much less achieve.

In order to engage at these times, to effectively contribute to resolution, to move on, to retain our dignity, to be able to acknowledge our contribution to the tension, to apologize, to forgive, and to reduce the negativity, it helps to take a close look at kindness as a measurement of conflict mastery.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog suggests that there are ways to bring on our kind selves and hold onto that when we are offended. It’s not easy. Here are some reflective questions that might facilitate kindness when in conflict:

• When you are kind, in the usual course of life, what does kindness look like? What does it feel like?
• How do you think you are perceived by those on the receiving end of your kindness?
• When you are not at your kindest how do you interact?
• How are you perceived at these times (in response to the previous question)?
• What conflict situation comes to mind in which you know you were kind and perceived as such?
• What made kindness an easy and natural way for you to relate in that situation?
• Considering a dispute in which you were not kind to the other person, what was the main characteristic that came out that you are not proud of? In what way were you not kind to yourself in that situation?
• What stopped your kind self from interacting?
• If you were to have brought kindness to that dispute, what impact might this have had on the other person? What impact might your kindness have had on the conflict?
• What impact might your kindness have had on you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(Popular- from the archives)