When we are provoked by something someone says or does there is a moment of choice when we could mess things up or we could save them from messing up!

How to respond – rather than react – at these times is a choice, though it doesn’t necessarily feel like that. Our gut instincts, our heart and emotions, our mind, our bodies, our faces get engaged in some way or another and our sense of reason gets lost as we express our reaction in any number of ways.  Essentially, when we become embroiled in the emotional reaction we are experiencing and our sense of reason is compromised we do not typically consider we have a choice but to react spontaneously – often to our detriment – but, not always.

Let’s consider the good, the bad and the ugly of reacting quickly. The good thing is, our strong and first reactions may be the most honest ones.  They might best reflect the degree of hurt we are experiencing about the other’s offensive behaviour.  It might say – literally – what needs to get said that we have till now hesitated to express. These and other reasons support reacting with whatever comes to us!

And then there are those not so good reasons to react in the moment we are offended. One of the reasons is we may have misinterpreted what was said. We may not hear through what is happening for the other person that is important to them. We may not hear something that would be good for us and the relationship. We may cause the other person extreme hurt – with a quick unthoughtout reaction – and cause prolonged dissension.

Then, to name a few uglies – we might have missed the point and escalate a dynamic to ridiculous heights. We may be reacting to historical provocations that are unrelated to the dynamic between us and the other person. Another possibility is we might act and speak in such a strong and destructive way that the relationship ends altogether. We may agonize for a long period afterwards and experience ongoing and unreconcilable shame and self-blame and regret.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider the choices you had about an interpersonal dispute in which you reacted quickly (this is a dispute  you already experienced and are revisiting to consider the good and the bad and the ugly of it) .

• What was that dispute about?
• To what did you strongly react?
• How would you describe your reaction?
• What do you consider good about your reaction at the time?
• What do you consider bad about your reaction?
• What was ugly about your reaction?
• At what point did you have a choice in how to react?
• What reasons do you suppose you chose that reaction at the time?
• If you think you didn’t have a choice why would that be the case?
• If you had to do it over again- knowing what you know now – what other choices regarding your responses might have served you and the relationship better?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

This week’s topic came to me when someone reminded me of the great quote “You do not need to attend every argument you are invited to” (unknown). Though I so agree with this, it seems we don’t always think we are at choice when statements, attitudes and deeds offend us and we react strongly to them. We likely don’t think either that some may not necessitate a response at all.

That is, in reality we often react to things that provoke us before we consider whether our reaction is justified, whether our perceptions and assumptions are askew, or whether we need or even want to engage in a conversation in the moment, or at all. Even if we perceive someone is purposely offending us, we are at choice about how and what we perceive, and about whether to respond and how, if we do.

For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog, consider a time you reacted to something someone said or did and you realized, afterwards, that it was unnecessary and you could have chosen not to react.

• What did the other person say or do to which you reacted?
• What compelled you to react, do you think?
• What did you sense was being threatened, undermined or challenged for you at the time – by what the person said or did – or how she or he acted (attitudinally) toward you?
• If you became defensive, what were you defending?
• What do you think the other person intended?
• What made your reaction unnecessary, now that you consider it?
• What choices did you have at the time that might have been more productive responses?
• What precluded those responses instead, do you think?
• What sorts of arguments are necessary for you to engage in, as you consider this topic? Which sorts of arguments are not necessary to engage in?
• How might you make a different choice in the future when provoked but you know it’s an unnecessary conflict?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(Popular- from the archives)

“The first step is clearly defining what it is you’re after, because without knowing that you’ll never get it” ~ Halle Berry

In any type of coaching the first main question coaches ask clients is what they want to achieve. Whether it is that day or overall – the idea, of course, is to determine the goals of people who want to make changes in their lives. When it comes to conflict management coaching, clients’ goals are typically long term such as being more conflict competent, becoming less avoidant about conflict, gaining more confidence when it comes to difficult conversations and so on. The importance of getting clear on what clients and we want to accomplish when it comes to our interpersonal disputes cannot be overstated.

What I have found as a coach with a conflict specialty is that what clients say they want in conflict usually extends well beyond what issues are in dispute, and what they initially express as their hope and desire. They are often apprehensive about expressing what is on their mind and about approaching the other person to resolve or at least, discuss things. For instance, someone might say “I want to explain to my boss why I couldn’t get the job done on time and I know they will freak out and I won’t know how to deal with that!” There are many possible underlying goals here and that’s exactly what coaches aim to elicit so that there is clarity about what is most important to clients. In this example, the client’s underlying goal might be to improve the way they deliver messages, to be better skilled at responding rather than reacting to people who “freak out”, to establish a connection with the boss who might be underestimating the client’s skills and so on. So, there could be many more goals or one main one.

The message though, as you see, is to define what it is that clients (and we) are after when in dispute  so that attempts to determine goals are properly focused on what is really and truly wanted and not what initially comes to us while in the heat of the dispute. As Halle Berry says in the quote above –“without knowing what you are after you’ll never get it”.

With this in mind, I invite you to bring to mind an interpersonal dispute about which you are feeling apprehensive to address. This exercise is to support you as you deconstruct the situation with these questions to gain clarity on what it is you really want.

• What is the dispute about?
• What started this conflict from your perspective?
• Where are things at right now for you?
• What would the other person say the dispute is about? What would they say started it? How might they describe where things are now?
• What do you want to have happen about the issue(s) in dispute? What else? Thinking more about it – anything else?
• What do you want to have happen with the relationship? What else?
• What might the other person want to have happen in the dispute? What else? Thinking more about it – anything else?
• What might they want regarding the relationship? What else?
• What do you fear most? What fears might the other person have?
• What are you not considering here – now that you are deconstructing that conflict – that might be fueling your apprehension about moving forward with your goals?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

It sometimes happens that we are not true to ourselves and that leads to internal conflict. We might avoid the situation; we might agree when we don’t feel agreeable; we might pretend we are not impacted; we might accommodate the other person’s needs rather than our own; and so on.

We choose different ways of responding to conflict and the other person for various reasons. Often though, we pay a price for giving in and avoiding conflict, including that we end up feeling untrue to our needs, our values, our beliefs and so on. We live a lie and all that goes with being dishonest. This might take the form of depression, regret, anger, sadness, antagonism and other negative results.

If you have a tendency to give in or otherwise be untrue to what you need or want when in conflict, this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog provides an opportunity to examine the fallout of doing so.

• What is one conflict situation in which you were not true to yourself?
• What did you do that reflected this (your answer to the previous question)?
• Why did you choose to be untrue to yourself in that way?
• What did you deny for yourself – such as your needs, beliefs, values, etc.?
• What is the impact on you of having done so?
• What is the outcome for the other person of your choice?
• What is good about that outcome for the other person? What is not good for her or him?
• What is good about the outcome for you? What is not good for you?
• If you were true to yourself, what specifically would you have said or done?
• What different outcome might there have been for you if you had been true to yourself?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(Popular- from the archives)

When we are in conflict with another it is often the case that we make assumptions about them. For instance, we may attribute reasons for their actions or words that are provoking us; we may make interpretations about their body language; or we may make assumptions about their impression of us and how they read our words and actions.

Making assumptions, such as these and others, usually indicates, among other things, historical experiences that are fuelling our current interpretations. Or, we may be applying our own rationale for similar actions or words that we have done or said. Perhaps, others suggest things to us that we adopt to explain matters. In any case, it appears that something gets in our way from checking out what we are perceiving and assuming – and so does the other person.

Whatever the reason, the mere act of assuming usually gets us into trouble. For instance, we tend to respond to the other person based on what we think we know, not what we know to be true. That is, our assumptions are not necessarily a legitimate and well-founded reflection of the other person or their intent.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a situation in which you are making assumptions about another person who is irritating you and a conflict might be looming between you.

• What started your experience of being in conflict with the other person? In what ways are things between you escalating since the time you first felt the tension between you?
• Why did it escalate, do you think?
• What specifically is the other person saying or doing that is provoking you? What about that is especially upsetting or concerning for you?
• What possible reasons might they have for saying or doing that, do you suppose? What other possible reasons might a friend of yours who observed the two of you give?
• If you have ever said or done what the other person said or did that is provoking you, what were your reasons? In what ways, if any, might this apply in your dynamic?
• What keeps you from checking out your assumptions?
• If you are inaccurate in your interpretations of the other person’s reasons and motive, what then?
• What are you saying or doing that might be provoking the other person?
• What reasons might she or he attribute to you regarding your actions or the words you are saying (or how you are saying them)? What reasons would you give her or him instead?
• What do you suppose might be precluding the other person from engaging you in a discussion to better understand you and your reasons?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(Popular- from the archives)