When we are provoked by something someone says or does there is a moment of choice when we could mess things up or we could save them from messing up!

How to respond – rather than react – at these times is a choice, though it doesn’t necessarily feel like that. Our gut instincts, our heart and emotions, our mind, our bodies, our faces get engaged in some way or another and our sense of reason gets lost as we express our reaction in any number of ways.  Essentially, when we become embroiled in the emotional reaction we are experiencing and our sense of reason is compromised we do not typically consider we have a choice but to react spontaneously – often to our detriment – but, not always.

Let’s consider the good, the bad and the ugly of reacting quickly. The good thing is, our strong and first reactions may be the most honest ones.  They might best reflect the degree of hurt we are experiencing about the other’s offensive behaviour.  It might say – literally – what needs to get said that we have till now hesitated to express. These and other reasons support reacting with whatever comes to us!

And then there are those not so good reasons to react in the moment we are offended. One of the reasons is we may have misinterpreted what was said. We may not hear through what is happening for the other person that is important to them. We may not hear something that would be good for us and the relationship. We may cause the other person extreme hurt – with a quick unthoughtout reaction – and cause prolonged dissension.

Then, to name a few uglies – we might have missed the point and escalate a dynamic to ridiculous heights. We may be reacting to historical provocations that are unrelated to the dynamic between us and the other person. Another possibility is we might act and speak in such a strong and destructive way that the relationship ends altogether. We may agonize for a long period afterwards and experience ongoing and unreconcilable shame and self-blame and regret.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider the choices you had about an interpersonal dispute in which you reacted quickly (this is a dispute  you already experienced and are revisiting to consider the good and the bad and the ugly of it) .

• What was that dispute about?
• To what did you strongly react?
• How would you describe your reaction?
• What do you consider good about your reaction at the time?
• What do you consider bad about your reaction?
• What was ugly about your reaction?
• At what point did you have a choice in how to react?
• What reasons do you suppose you chose that reaction at the time?
• If you think you didn’t have a choice why would that be the case?
• If you had to do it over again- knowing what you know now – what other choices regarding your responses might have served you and the relationship better?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

With the discovery of mirror neurons in the early 1990’s, many scientists came to realize that we understand others not by thinking, but by feeling their experience. That is, mirror neurons let us not only “simulate” others’ actions. They also let us reflect the intentions and emotions behind those actions. For example, when we see someone smile our mirror neurons for smiling become activated in response, too, creating a sensation in our own mind of the feelings we associate with smiling.

When I became aware of this concept early on in my conflict management coaching practice, I also became more mindful about how I show up and the ways I might impact the many interactions I engage in with family, friends, coaching clients and so on. I observed more how others influenced me with their perceived moods, bodily and facial language, tone of voice and so on. I paid more attention to what I had sensed for a long time- a tendency to interpret and read into others’ ways of interacting. I found too that my interpretations were not always accurate, and this is when assumptions creeped into the picture. Luckily, this discovery and awareness resulted in me becoming more careful to check out what I am experiencing, to ask more questions and not rely on my own lens to interpret what I am observing and sensing.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog considers how we experience one another when in conflict and how we can set ourselves up for the conflict dynamic in ways that have an impact on the interrelationship – positively and negatively. Since we embody and convey energy it is a matter of holding up a mirror and reflecting what we attract and how we can be a magnet for good means and for not-so-good ones, too.

When responding to this set of questions, I suggest that you consider a situation in which you encountered negative emotions coming from someone with whom you are in dispute or it’s evident one is brewing:

• What is the situation?
• What is it you are sensing from the other person?
• From what specifically are you picking up those things (your answer to the above question) such as their tone of voice, body and facial language etc.?
• What is the impact on you?
• What do you suppose you are assuming about the other person including their intent?
• What might you be conveying to the other person through your facial language? Through your words and tone? Through your body language?
• In what ways are you conveying those messages (your answer to the previous question)?
• What sorts of negative interpretations might the other person be making about you based on what they are picking up?
• What might the other person do or say to shift the dynamic to a more positive one through their words, tone of voice, body and/or facial language?
• In what ways may you choose to influence the dynamic more positively through your words, tone of voice, body and/or facial language?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

“The first step is clearly defining what it is you’re after, because without knowing that you’ll never get it” ~ Halle Berry

In any type of coaching the first main question coaches ask clients is what they want to achieve. Whether it is that day or overall – the idea, of course, is to determine the goals of people who want to make changes in their lives. When it comes to conflict management coaching, clients’ goals are typically long term such as being more conflict competent, becoming less avoidant about conflict, gaining more confidence when it comes to difficult conversations and so on. The importance of getting clear on what clients and we want to accomplish when it comes to our interpersonal disputes cannot be overstated.

What I have found as a coach with a conflict specialty is that what clients say they want in conflict usually extends well beyond what issues are in dispute, and what they initially express as their hope and desire. They are often apprehensive about expressing what is on their mind and about approaching the other person to resolve or at least, discuss things. For instance, someone might say “I want to explain to my boss why I couldn’t get the job done on time and I know they will freak out and I won’t know how to deal with that!” There are many possible underlying goals here and that’s exactly what coaches aim to elicit so that there is clarity about what is most important to clients. In this example, the client’s underlying goal might be to improve the way they deliver messages, to be better skilled at responding rather than reacting to people who “freak out”, to establish a connection with the boss who might be underestimating the client’s skills and so on. So, there could be many more goals or one main one.

The message though, as you see, is to define what it is that clients (and we) are after when in dispute  so that attempts to determine goals are properly focused on what is really and truly wanted and not what initially comes to us while in the heat of the dispute. As Halle Berry says in the quote above –“without knowing what you are after you’ll never get it”.

With this in mind, I invite you to bring to mind an interpersonal dispute about which you are feeling apprehensive to address. This exercise is to support you as you deconstruct the situation with these questions to gain clarity on what it is you really want.

• What is the dispute about?
• What started this conflict from your perspective?
• Where are things at right now for you?
• What would the other person say the dispute is about? What would they say started it? How might they describe where things are now?
• What do you want to have happen about the issue(s) in dispute? What else? Thinking more about it – anything else?
• What do you want to have happen with the relationship? What else?
• What might the other person want to have happen in the dispute? What else? Thinking more about it – anything else?
• What might they want regarding the relationship? What else?
• What do you fear most? What fears might the other person have?
• What are you not considering here – now that you are deconstructing that conflict – that might be fueling your apprehension about moving forward with your goals?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

I don’t know about you but, I expect you share this experience. There are disputes I look back on and I wished I’d had the courage to step up to say what was on my mind. Then, there are those other occasions when I wish I had kept my mouth shut! In either case, I have considered that we also need compassion and dignity and self-respect to manage these situations well – whether to stand up or sit down reflects the most prudent choice.

I agree with the quote though – it takes courage to do both! And the period of time to decide on which approach serves us and the other person best happens in a nanosecond. That split second requires us to refrain from reacting so that our responses ultimately come from a place that reflects the way we want our courage (and other signs of conflict mastery) to be manifested in that instant and instance.

Deciding  to stand up for ourselves and others  and express our truth with courage, or listen before responding and possibly not weighing in at all are choices we have in all our disputes. For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog I suggest you consider a dispute about which you would like to explore these choices as you answer the following questions.

• What was the dispute about?
• When you look back, and consider the quote under the title of this blog, what was the choice you decided on – to speak or sit down?
• How did you choose that response?
• In what ways was it a good choice?
• In what ways might the other choice have more prudent?
• What makes it challenging for you to speak up if that’s the case- in general?
• What makes it challenging for you to sit down and listen if that’s the case- in general?
• If you had it to do this interaction again what else might you have said or done?
• What difference might that have made?
• Going forward, how might you decide which approach best suits the situation, the other person and you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

In our efforts to maintain good relationships with friends and family there are times we might begin to wonder whether it is a healthy and sustainable relationship. And this week’s Conflict mastery Quest(ions) blog focuses on when we determine a relationship isn’t working out. (Another blog will consider when someone else ends the relationship.)

What we each deem a healthy relationship will, of course, vary among us. It may be one that nourishes and energizes us and that makes us feel supported. It may be one in which we feel mutual respect, caring and love. It may be one in which we trust the other person will be “there” for us- that we can count on their help if need be (in whatever form is important to us). It may be one in which we trust ourselves – to be who we authentically are without screens or pretense. It may be one in which we are confident that we can share our secrets without being judged.

These and other factors that fuel what we consider our solid relationships are ones that are hardest to let go of. We work hard to maintain them even in the face of the clues that question how solid they really are, and then, we begin to wonder whether the relationship is good for us. Maybe, we experience or sense values in these same people that we don’t respect, that are offensive and contrary to how we live; maybe, they are mean and treat us poorly – in ways that continually hurt us; maybe, we start to lose trust in them.

When variables such as these or others continue to plague us we may wonder whether the relationship is one we want to maintain. We might internally fight the notion that ending the relationship is better for us than trying to keep it going. Confusion might immobilize us. We aren’t sure what is best and part of us might realize things will work out better for us if things don’t work out between the other person and us.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a relationship that didn’t work out for you and you ended it.

• What are the factors that made that relationship feel solid to you? What made that person particularly special over time?
• What sorts of things did the other person say or do when you began to question the strength of the relationship?
• What made those things especially difficult for you to experience?
• What impact did those things have on you?
• What happened for you when you ended the relationship? (What was the experience like for you? How did the other person react to you? etc.)
• In your heart and mind if you knew it was better for you to end the relationship what continues to bother you?
• What are you missing most about the other person now?
• It takes courage to end relationships that were once solid, in what ways did your courage show up? How about now – how are you demonstrating courageousness?
• Though things didn’t work out with the other person what has worked out for you having ended the relationship, in any case?
• What have you learned about yourself that is important to you and your personal well-being when it comes to your relationships?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)