“The first step is clearly defining what it is you’re after, because without knowing that you’ll never get it” ~ Halle Berry

In any type of coaching the first main question coaches ask clients is what they want to achieve. Whether it is that day or overall – the idea, of course, is to determine the goals of people who want to make changes in their lives. When it comes to conflict management coaching, clients’ goals are typically long term such as being more conflict competent, becoming less avoidant about conflict, gaining more confidence when it comes to difficult conversations and so on. The importance of getting clear on what clients and we want to accomplish when it comes to our interpersonal disputes cannot be overstated.

What I have found as a coach with a conflict specialty is that what clients say they want in conflict usually extends well beyond what issues are in dispute, and what they initially express as their hope and desire. They are often apprehensive about expressing what is on their mind and about approaching the other person to resolve or at least, discuss things. For instance, someone might say “I want to explain to my boss why I couldn’t get the job done on time and I know they will freak out and I won’t know how to deal with that!” There are many possible underlying goals here and that’s exactly what coaches aim to elicit so that there is clarity about what is most important to clients. In this example, the client’s underlying goal might be to improve the way they deliver messages, to be better skilled at responding rather than reacting to people who “freak out”, to establish a connection with the boss who might be underestimating the client’s skills and so on. So, there could be many more goals or one main one.

The message though, as you see, is to define what it is that clients (and we) are after when in dispute  so that attempts to determine goals are properly focused on what is really and truly wanted and not what initially comes to us while in the heat of the dispute. As Halle Berry says in the quote above –“without knowing what you are after you’ll never get it”.

With this in mind, I invite you to bring to mind an interpersonal dispute about which you are feeling apprehensive to address. This exercise is to support you as you deconstruct the situation with these questions to gain clarity on what it is you really want.

• What is the dispute about?
• What started this conflict from your perspective?
• Where are things at right now for you?
• What would the other person say the dispute is about? What would they say started it? How might they describe where things are now?
• What do you want to have happen about the issue(s) in dispute? What else? Thinking more about it – anything else?
• What do you want to have happen with the relationship? What else?
• What might the other person want to have happen in the dispute? What else? Thinking more about it – anything else?
• What might they want regarding the relationship? What else?
• What do you fear most? What fears might the other person have?
• What are you not considering here – now that you are deconstructing that conflict – that might be fueling your apprehension about moving forward with your goals?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

I don’t know about you but, I expect you share this experience. There are disputes I look back on and I wished I’d had the courage to step up to say what was on my mind. Then, there are those other occasions when I wish I had kept my mouth shut! In either case, I have considered that we also need compassion and dignity and self-respect to manage these situations well – whether to stand up or sit down reflects the most prudent choice.

I agree with the quote though – it takes courage to do both! And the period of time to decide on which approach serves us and the other person best happens in a nanosecond. That split second requires us to refrain from reacting so that our responses ultimately come from a place that reflects the way we want our courage (and other signs of conflict mastery) to be manifested in that instant and instance.

Deciding  to stand up for ourselves and others  and express our truth with courage, or listen before responding and possibly not weighing in at all are choices we have in all our disputes. For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog I suggest you consider a dispute about which you would like to explore these choices as you answer the following questions.

• What was the dispute about?
• When you look back, and consider the quote under the title of this blog, what was the choice you decided on – to speak or sit down?
• How did you choose that response?
• In what ways was it a good choice?
• In what ways might the other choice have more prudent?
• What makes it challenging for you to speak up if that’s the case- in general?
• What makes it challenging for you to sit down and listen if that’s the case- in general?
• If you had it to do this interaction again what else might you have said or done?
• What difference might that have made?
• Going forward, how might you decide which approach best suits the situation, the other person and you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

In our efforts to maintain good relationships with friends and family there are times we might begin to wonder whether it is a healthy and sustainable relationship. And this week’s Conflict mastery Quest(ions) blog focuses on when we determine a relationship isn’t working out. (Another blog will consider when someone else ends the relationship.)

What we each deem a healthy relationship will, of course, vary among us. It may be one that nourishes and energizes us and that makes us feel supported. It may be one in which we feel mutual respect, caring and love. It may be one in which we trust the other person will be “there” for us- that we can count on their help if need be (in whatever form is important to us). It may be one in which we trust ourselves – to be who we authentically are without screens or pretense. It may be one in which we are confident that we can share our secrets without being judged.

These and other factors that fuel what we consider our solid relationships are ones that are hardest to let go of. We work hard to maintain them even in the face of the clues that question how solid they really are, and then, we begin to wonder whether the relationship is good for us. Maybe, we experience or sense values in these same people that we don’t respect, that are offensive and contrary to how we live; maybe, they are mean and treat us poorly – in ways that continually hurt us; maybe, we start to lose trust in them.

When variables such as these or others continue to plague us we may wonder whether the relationship is one we want to maintain. We might internally fight the notion that ending the relationship is better for us than trying to keep it going. Confusion might immobilize us. We aren’t sure what is best and part of us might realize things will work out better for us if things don’t work out between the other person and us.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a relationship that didn’t work out for you and you ended it.

• What are the factors that made that relationship feel solid to you? What made that person particularly special over time?
• What sorts of things did the other person say or do when you began to question the strength of the relationship?
• What made those things especially difficult for you to experience?
• What impact did those things have on you?
• What happened for you when you ended the relationship? (What was the experience like for you? How did the other person react to you? etc.)
• In your heart and mind if you knew it was better for you to end the relationship what continues to bother you?
• What are you missing most about the other person now?
• It takes courage to end relationships that were once solid, in what ways did your courage show up? How about now – how are you demonstrating courageousness?
• Though things didn’t work out with the other person what has worked out for you having ended the relationship, in any case?
• What have you learned about yourself that is important to you and your personal well-being when it comes to your relationships?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

“Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear your path.” Paul Coelho

This is one of my favourite conflict quotes. One of the reasons is that I have found the message to be true in more than one interpersonal conflict I have faced, and in those of my coaching clients trying to find their way through the morass of conflict.

I recall a situation with a friend I trusted and cared about deeply. I felt a kinship that was matched by few others in my life till then. I was grateful for how easy it was to be together, to talk endlessly, to share, to weep, to laugh, to just be. It was therefore a shock for me when this trusted friend blamed me for things I could not grasp or understand as they sounded so unlike who I am (or at least think I am). There was no warning that things were amiss – and then, no explanation that would give me an idea of what it was I did or said that lead to conclusions that made no sense to me.

When I attempted to get some answers I ended up being ‘ghosted’ and somehow I became the brunt of their anger. I did a lot of self-searching and all I seemed to have been able to come up in my state of mind was self-blame. Lack of information and the opportunity to talk things through and better understand what happened precluded the clarity I needed to reconcile what occurred- even if there was no hope of mending things. It took a while for me to face, sadly, that I had misperceived and misjudged this person I called friend and the connection I thought we had. That alone upset me as I am usually fairly perceptive.

In the end, after agonizing over losing someone I thought was a dear friend and feeling betrayed, the path cleared and I faced the fact that I will not always get the answers I need and want, that some people are not what they appear or pretend to be, that self-blame is a waste of time, that it is important to have conversations with those close to me about our respective needs and expectations, that what we need and want may not be compatible with someone else’s. It was a hard path and the lessons learned did not come easily, and the storm ultimately cleared the way.

Now it’s your turn. When you think of an outcome of a dispute with someone close that, in the end, cleared your path consider the following questions in this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions). I found them helpful in my own experience and hope they may be helpful for you, too:

• What was the storm that happened between you and a person you cared about that ended up in a schism between you?
• How would you describe the path the two of you were on in your relationship before that occurred?
• What did that person say or do that changed- for you – the way you though you two were connected?
• What is most hurtful for you now that you reflect back on this situation?
• How did the storm between you disrupt your life?
• In what sorts of self-blame did you engage?
• If you had the opportunity to speak to the other person again what might you say?
• What might you say or do differently if faced with the same set of facts or similar ones in the future (with someone else)?
• What lessons have you learned that you will carry forward?
• In what ways has the path forward been cleared for you as a consequence of that dispute?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

The former U.S. Justice – Ruth Bader Ginsburg – or RBG as she was affectionately called – shared much wisdom over her years – both legally and personally. This particular quote applies to many aspects of our lives and this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog considers its relevance to interpersonal conflicts.

What often happens in our disputes with some long term friends and family members is that we tend to superficially resolve disputes – to “keep the peace”. We reach some sort of reconciliation but, we don’t necessarily feel things are really resolved. Maybe, even though we want to stop the acrimony and negativity between us, we don’t know what it will take. Maybe, we are tired of fighting about the same old issues but, become used to the state of mind and heart we are left with even if we don’t like it. Maybe, we feel hopeless and don’t think anything will change the habitual ways of relating and patterns set up over time and so on.

These and other reasons can keep us from truly feeling we’ve spoken our truth – and heard the other person’s.

Considering RBG’s quote here it typically takes one step at a time to change our patterns and create enduring, more healthy ways of being in conflict.  And it is suggested here that, as you answer the questions for this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog, you consider  an ongoing dispute pattern/issues to see if any questions help shift your thinking about the ongoing dynamic you really don’t like to create, be in, perpetuate.

• How might you describe one ongoing issue or way of relating that you don’t like about the conflict dynamic between you and another person?
• What do you most dislike about how you interact with them?
• What do you most dislike about how they interact with you?
• What is the truth you haven’t told the other person?
• What is the fear behind not speaking that truth?
• What is real about that fear that you know for sure? What don’t you know for sure about the validity of what you fear?
• What might the other person’s truth be that remains unspoken?
• What might that person fear about sharing their truth?
• What do you want to make happen so that you feel better about the relationship and way of interacting?
• If there is one step you’d be willing to make to begin to change the dynamic to be more what you’d like what might that be?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)