“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.” Lewis Carroll

This quote applies to just about anything really but, this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog is all about those inter-relational disputes that seem to be sustaining themselves on something unidentifiable – with no resolution in sight. Negative feelings linger and the relationship is strained and the unrest and tension simmers. At these times there is also a knowing sense of incompletion that can add to that tension and create even more.

There aren’t clear reasons to explain every unresolved dispute. It might be things that were said that sting deeply and the sting sticks; it may be things that weren’t said that needed to be said; it may be the realization that the relationship is suffering with no idea of what will help reconcile things; and it may be the reality that the relationship is beyond repair. These and other reasons can keep the conflict alive in its own way and the sense that reconciliation does not feel possible. These things weigh heavily and have an impact on our day to day lives.

Another reason that conflicts can continue to maintain their hold is that one or both (all) people have no real idea of what they are feeling about the dispute, what they want to have happen, what will change the road they are on, what changes would reconcile matters, or at least find a way to feel less angst about the conflict dynamic and the mess remaining behind. With no idea how things may get reconciled or a way to alleviate the pain and move forward nothing happens. So, it’s a matter of finding the road.

For the set of questions here I invite you to consider a dispute that is lingering, and you are feeling lost with no plan of how to make things better.

• What is the dispute about?
• What remains unresolved for you?
• What is that feeling like for you?
• What do you suppose remains unresolved for the other person?
• What do you suppose they are experiencing about the conflict?
• What would you like to see happen? What makes that important to you?
• What do you think the other person wants to have happen? What makes that important to them do you think?
• What common ground do you two share in regards to this conflict?
• What sort of plan can you think of that will start the journey to reconciling your differences?
• What may need to happen to make the plan mutually satisfactory if you want it to be?
• What clarity do you need to have to move forward? What do you need to feel to move forward? What do you need to do?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

As has been my tradition, I like to share with you my Conflict Resolutions each year. So, these are for 2024! Admittedly, though many resemble those from the past few years I think I am finally getting some things right!

1. This year I will honour and appreciate our differences.
2. This year I will remember we have lots of room in our hearts to love more and to love more deeply.
3. This year I will cherish my family and my friends and colleagues even more and continue to tell them how grateful I am for who they are and all they do.
4. This year I will listen with even more compassion, kindness and love.
5. This year I will approach my interpersonal conflicts with increased humility, thoughtfulness, patience and openness.
6. This year I will be true to myself and acknowledge that others strive to be true to themselves, too.
7. This year I will welcome others to speak their truth and not judge them for doing so. I will be grateful if they listen to mine without judgement.
8. This year I will learn from my mistakes.
9. This year I will reach out, even more, to give support for those in need.
10. This year I will do more to build peace – one person at a time.

Sending you and yours my warmest regards and may your 2024 be full of joy and peace and good health and love.

Cinnie Noble, CINERGY® Coaching
www.cinergycoaching.com

See also: Three New Year’s Compassion Resolutions for Less Drama

I have to admit I felt sadness when I read this quote.

I expect you too, have had interpersonal disputes that occur in your life for which you expected an apology that didn’t materialize. The reality that it may never be can cause us much grief and much anger, too. It can fill us with all sorts of other feelings – deep regret, loss, shame, feelings of betrayal and pervasive emptiness. We might experience confusion and self-blame – wondering how we could have been so wrong about the other person. The anger is often not only at the other person but, at ourselves. We may agonize for all sorts of things – replaying the scenario over and over and knowing we cannot take back things we said or did. These and the many other emotional and even, physical repercussions remain in our hearts and mind when our hope for an apology remains unspoken.

What makes the unmet need for an apology even worse is that in many cases an apology does or would not heal the indelible scar that remains. It isn’t enough. Healing remains elusive. And we realize the real work to be done is to identify what we need to truly heal us and even, to accept that the scar might never be erased. Whether the roots of the scar go back in time, whether they are related to the other person in this dispute or someone else, whether the layers are too deep to count…

At times I have hoped for an apology – ones that may be enough and ones that wouldn’t be –  I have found it helpful to ask myself some questions such as these in the week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog. I invite you to consider a situation when you haven’t received an apology you hoped for – and you are wondering if one will happen – and you also know at some level of consciousness that it may not be enough.

• What happened between you and the other person?
• What was the hardest part of that conflict for you?
• What part would you like to do over (things you might say or do differently)?
• What did that person say or do for which you feel an apology is warranted?
• How might you describe the impact you are experiencing – emotional, physical, etc. – regarding your answer to the previous question?
• For what might the other person be sorry regarding the dispute you had – if you think they may regret what they said or did?
• If the person was to apologize what would you hope they would say?
• Would that be enough? If not, what would be?
• How would an apology heal about what occurred? What might remain unreconciled for you regarding the dispute even with an apology?
• What needs to heal for you that would not be healed by an apology in this conflict?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

The story in the song The Gambler – most famously sung by American country music singer Kenny Rogers – is about two people on a train “bound for nowhere”. One of the people is a gambler who perceives the other person he meets is down on his luck (“out of aces”). The gambler offers up advice if the person will give him his last swallow of whiskey. (The Wikipedia description of this encounter refers to the male gender but presumably it need not be.)

After the gambler takes the drink he gives this advice:

“You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,
Know when to walk away, know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table,
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done.”

The gambler then mentions that the “secret to survivin’ is knowing what to throw away, and knowing what to keep”.

According to Wikipedia, some believe the song is not simply useful advice and tips on gambling, but in fact a wider “metaphor” for life itself, with the “cards” which the gambler plays signifying the choices we make in our lives. However, there is no line in the song which proves this theory.

The Gambler is a catchy song and even as we “speak” I can’t help but hum the tune. And it seems to me the gambler’s advice is indeed a metaphor applicable to other of life’s circumstances, including conflict. That is, whether before, during or after conflict, we have choices about how to manage the situation. We can hold onto our positions; we can concede to the other; we can collaborate or compromise; we can walk away with our heads held high; we can walk away in anger; we can resolve things amicably; or we can let things fester. The list of our choices is endless, and the following questions are good ones to consider if you are wondering what to do about a specific dispute.

• What is the dispute about?
• What is your position that you are holding onto on how you want things resolved?
• What makes that position particularly important to hold onto?
• If you hold onto your position, what are the possible outcomes?
• What other options for resolution might there be that may be acceptable to you?
• How might those options – referred to in the previous question – work for the other person?
• If you were to “fold ‘em” in this conflict, what does that mean to you?
• In what ways may folding your position actually be a positive choice? How would you know when to “fold ‘em” to make it positive?
• How is “folding ‘em” a negative choice?
• What choices might work for both of you? If you don’t want a mutually acceptable choice how will you proceed?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(Popular- from the archives)

How many times – after an interpersonal conflict has occurred – have you said to yourself, “I wish I had said that or I wish I hadn’t said that”? It’s the sort of recrimination that stays with us and we can metaphorically kick ourselves about it – indefinitely. However, these sorts of regrets do not necessarily change our reactions the next time we are faced with the same person or type of situation. Rather, we often repeat patterns and proceed to get ourselves wrapped up in the same self-blame cycle.

It’s not easy to revisit our conflicts with the intention of figuring out how to change habits that have become entrenched over time. Though our repeated reactions may be ones we and others do not like about us, apologies and forgiveness have a way of assuaging some (but not all of) them. We then move on, with a sense that things are mended. However, the person(s) on the receiving end may reach a saturation point – often getting to that point before we face the fact that it’s no longer tolerable, forgivable, or just plain ‘okay’ to regurgitate time-worn antics.

If you want to begin to change a way of reacting that you have repeatedly apologized for (due to repeating a pattern of interacting that is not effective), here are some questions that will hopefully help the change process. I suggest you bring to mind actions, words, an attitude and so on that you demonstrate when in conflict and you know others don’t like about you – and that you don’t like about yourself – as you reflect on the following questions:

• What do you repeatedly say or do when in conflict that you would like to change (giving also an example of a situation when this last occurred)?
• What don’t you like about yourself when you said, did or acted like that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What was going on in your head and heart as you said or did that in the situation you are revisiting here? What are you aware of that triggered your reaction?
• What typically happens for you – internally – when you say, do or act the way you describe that occurred in this scenario? What reactions do you commonly hear from the other person?
• In the same situation, what did you want to happen that didn’t? What did happen that has regretfully stayed with you?
• Why do you suppose you repeat the words, actions, etc. such as those you described in this situation – even though you realize you later regret them?
• If you were to stop repeating the words, actions, etc. you don’t like, what would you replace it/them with that might be more effective?
• By doing so (your answer to the previous question), what may you achieve for yourself? For the other person?
• As you revisit the conflict considered here, what is occurring to you about ways your answers apply to other conflicts? What variables may be different when it comes to other conflicts?
• Having revisited a conflict and your reaction, what do you intend to do differently the next time you are faced with a similar situation?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(Popular- from the archives)