Interpersonal conflict has a way of overwhelming us – casting a large cloud that seems to encompass our every minute. Often we blow things out of proportion as we ruminate over what we said, what the other person said, what we wished we’d said, what we heard that was not said and so on. The whirlwind of activity in our head takes over in a way that serves us and others poorly and contributes unnecessarily to the dissension and our perceptions of what occurred.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider what is most important to you – “when the day is done” – especially if you have a tendency to make one or more conflicts bigger than it is. To do so, consider a dispute in which this is currently happening for you.

• What is happening or what happened?
• What specifically offended you that the other person said or did?
• To what are you attributing the other person’s motives?
• Why would she or he intend that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What do you know for sure explains the other person’s contribution to the conflict?
• What do you believe but do not know for sure?
• For what might the other person be blaming you?
• What might she or he believe about you and your intent? What doesn’t she or he know about you and your intent?
• What, at the end of the day, is most important to you about this conflict? What, when the day is done, is most important to you about your relationship with the other person?
• When you consider what is most important to you about the conflict and the other person, what is the optimum way of proceeding, do you think?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Oh my goodness, another year has passed and I would like to wish you all the very best for 2018. May it be a peaceful, loving and joyful one for you and yours!

Here are some conflict resolutions for 2018. I have repeated some from last year because I haven’t got them quite right, yet.

1. This year I will remember we are all in this together.
2. This year I will remain aware that I have a responsibility to do what is within my ability to make the world a more peaceful place.
3. This year I will be grateful for those who teach me important lessons by, for instance, letting me know when my actions and words do not align.
4. This year I will be kinder to myself and others, and be more careful with others’ feelings.
5. This year I will cherish my friends and colleagues even more.
6. This year I will not judge.
7. This year I will approach conflicts with humility and grace and remain true to myself.
8. This year I will honour that others too strive to be true to themselves.
9. This year I will open my heart and mind wider and with more curiosity.
10. This year I will celebrate our differences and take heart in the knowledge that we all have lots of room in our hearts to love more and to love deeply.

What are your conflict resolutions for next year?

The other day a coaching client told me that she became angry at a man she works with who criticized how she managed a situation. She said he went on to “use himself as a model human being” by claiming he would never do what my client did. For my client, this added “insult to injury” and it offended her more than her co-worker’s criticism.

In our coaching session my client explained that she finds this sort of “righteous” statement sets up a dynamic she wants to change because whenever she encounters this attitude she retaliates with argumentative and defensive reactions. Essentially then, my client’s coaching goal is to better understand her reaction so that she doesn’t lose her temper and responds in more productive ways.

If you have reacted defensively when you feel you are being admonished or criticized and the person says something like “I would never…”, or “If it were me…”, etc., here are some questions to consider:

• What was the specific situation about?
• What did you specifically say or do that resulted in the other person saying “I would never…”, or “if it were me…” (or whatever comparative statement that triggered a reaction in you)?
• If you felt defensive, what were you defending? How would you otherwise describe the impact on you?
• What was the truth in the other person’s admonishment?
• What was actually valid about her or his criticism?
• What was not true, in your opinion, of what she or he criticized you for? What was not resonant for you in her or his “I would never…” etc. remark that upset you most?
• How did you respond to the other person?
• How would you have preferred to respond? What stopped you, do you think?
• What request might the other person have made instead of the criticism/admonishment (and “I would never…” comment) that you would have received better?
• What conflict masterful way might you react when others trigger you, in the future, with statements such as “If it were me I would never…”?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

When we react to what others say or do there are times we are especially offended because we feel, at a consciousness or unconscious level, that they are offending us on purpose. In fact, we know there are times that is the person’s motive. That is, we may believe or know it is their way of retaliating, of getting a rise out of us, of hurting our feelings, and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog explores the notion that we and others create and contribute to both inner and outer conflict when we offend others on purpose and when we think someone else intends to offend us.

If this topic resonates for you, here are some questions to answer, considering either or both scenarios in your life:

• When you sense or know for sure someone has intentionally offended you, what was the situation about?
• What did the other person specifically say or do that was or seemed intentional to you?
• For what reasons did she or he intend to do so, do you think (in relation to the above question)?
• What other purposes might there be to consider?
• If you reacted to this or another situation by purposely hurting the other person back, what did you say or do?
• What was your purpose besides wanting to hurt the other person as a consequence of what they said or did?
• In another scenario you can think of, when you initiated a conflict by purposely hurting the other person, what compelled you to do so?
• What was your purpose then?
• What reaction did you experience from the other person? How did that impact you? The relationship? What positive outcomes occurred?
• What might be a preferable approach to achieve a more positive result, if you wanted one?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

As a kid, I remember using the phrase “mind your own beeswax” – instead of mind your own business – as a reaction to others who were being nosy. When I recently looked up this phrase I found several things, including:

“Since ‘mind their own business’ sounds harsh, if not impolite, the close-sounding word ‘beeswax’ was substituted. Those to whom the remark was directed might still get their noses out of joint, but somewhat less so than if the word had been ‘business’.”

“An interesting, although fanciful, piece of folk etymology tells us that American colonial women stood over a kettle and stirred wax to make candles. If they didn’t pay attention, the wax or fire might burn their hair and clothing. Someone who let her concentration wander would be reminded to ‘mind your own beeswax’.”

Another meaning According to Honeybee: Lessons from an Accidental Beekeeper (2009) by C. Marina Marchese is that “the expression might have its origins in the time when people sealed their letters with beeswax so no one could read them.”

Though there may be other theories, the relevant point for this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog is that some of us become irritated when we experience others are “minding our business”, leading to a conflict. Generally, we might not care when some people inquire after and about us. However, there are times when it feels invasive and intrusive to be asked things about what we are doing and why. Or, it may be when we find out someone is asking others about us. Perhaps it’s when, or additionally, the inquirer is someone who we believe has no right or reason to know things about us.

If you have a situation that has led to conflict in which you have said directly or with your inner voice “mind your own beeswax or business”, this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog might be of interest.

• What occurred?
• What is it about your business that the other person is curious about that feels intrusive to you?
• Why might that be (your answer to the above question)?
• If you don’t know why the person is curious, how might you find out?
• What reason for the other person not minding her or his business might reduce your negative reaction?
• How might you describe the impact on you?
• What bothers you most about the person not minding her or his business?
• Why do you suppose that is – that it bothers you?
• What is it about the person, if you haven’t said so already, i.e. who it is, how she or he is asking, etc.?
• When you have been accused of not minding your own business – if you have – what inspired your curiosity? Why is that?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?