There are times we know we will encounter pushback, defensiveness, offensiveness and other negative reactions to issues we want to raise with another person. The mere idea of this can be daunting and preclude us from raising them. Or, if we do initiate such hard conversations, our trepidation might bring out words and behaviours from us that make matters worse.

Many of us do not prepare to be in conflict, though doing so usually serves to make the interaction easier than expected. We feel more confident and comfortable and we help make the situation better for the other person, too. In this way, the conflict conversation is more productive and less stressful.

For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog, consider an interaction you anticipate will be conflict-inducing and fraught with tension – on a matter that is likely to cause a negative reaction by her or him.

• What is the conversation to be about?
• What do you think is most likely to lead to a conflict within it?
• What reaction by the other person worries you most?
• What else are you most concerned about?
• To prepare for the conversation, what do you want to avoid saying because it is not really necessary and may lead to an adverse reaction?
• How do you want to come across? That is, how do you want to be and be perceived?
• What is the outcome you want?
• What might the other person want as an outcome?
• How will you respond in a way that is consistent with the outcome you want, if you become agitated by the other person?
• What other ways might you consider to best prepare yourself so you will be most confident and also, help make the other person feel comfortable to engage with you (if that is what you want)?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Even though we might think a conflict has been resolved, there are times we (or the other person) have not really reconciled the matter. The vestiges can linger in strange ways and may show up at unusual times – brought on by a different conflict or interaction that appears innocuous – even with someone else. That is, the memory of a past hurt might seep out in confusing ways unrelated to the current situation, but evoking similar emotions.

What this may mean is that when a previous conflict (or number of conflicts) remains unresolved in our hearts and minds the issues, emotions, and words said and not said cling to us; but also, our memories can become distorted. And the feeling that once felt like reconciliation can take on a different and unsettling experience.  Among other things, at these times we are unsure what it will take for us to move on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a situation that is not over for you – though you may act like it is. And, it might appear to the other person that you are over it.

• What is the situation?
• What is lingering for you?
• Why is that (your answer to the previous question)?
• How might you be demonstrating things are settled for you?
• How might you be demonstrating things are not settled for you?
• What will it take for things to be over (reconciled) for you?
• What specifically is ‘under’ the conflict that remains unfinished?
• What will being over the conflict mean for you?
• What will be most different when you are ‘over’ the conflict?
• How will the other person know you are over the conflict that she or he might not observe or sense now?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Interpersonal conflict has a way of overwhelming us – casting a large cloud that seems to encompass our every minute. Often we blow things out of proportion as we ruminate over what we said, what the other person said, what we wished we’d said, what we heard that was not said and so on. The whirlwind of activity in our head takes over in a way that serves us and others poorly and contributes unnecessarily to the dissension and our perceptions of what occurred.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider what is most important to you – “when the day is done” – especially if you have a tendency to make one or more conflicts bigger than it is. To do so, consider a dispute in which this is currently happening for you.

• What is happening or what happened?
• What specifically offended you that the other person said or did?
• To what are you attributing the other person’s motives?
• Why would she or he intend that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What do you know for sure explains the other person’s contribution to the conflict?
• What do you believe but do not know for sure?
• For what might the other person be blaming you?
• What might she or he believe about you and your intent? What doesn’t she or he know about you and your intent?
• What, at the end of the day, is most important to you about this conflict? What, when the day is done, is most important to you about your relationship with the other person?
• When you consider what is most important to you about the conflict and the other person, what is the optimum way of proceeding, do you think?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Oh my goodness, another year has passed and I would like to wish you all the very best for 2018. May it be a peaceful, loving and joyful one for you and yours!

Here are some conflict resolutions for 2018. I have repeated some from last year because I haven’t got them quite right, yet.

1. This year I will remember we are all in this together.
2. This year I will remain aware that I have a responsibility to do what is within my ability to make the world a more peaceful place.
3. This year I will be grateful for those who teach me important lessons by, for instance, letting me know when my actions and words do not align.
4. This year I will be kinder to myself and others, and be more careful with others’ feelings.
5. This year I will cherish my friends and colleagues even more.
6. This year I will not judge.
7. This year I will approach conflicts with humility and grace and remain true to myself.
8. This year I will honour that others too strive to be true to themselves.
9. This year I will open my heart and mind wider and with more curiosity.
10. This year I will celebrate our differences and take heart in the knowledge that we all have lots of room in our hearts to love more and to love deeply.

What are your conflict resolutions for next year?

The other day a coaching client told me that she became angry at a man she works with who criticized how she managed a situation. She said he went on to “use himself as a model human being” by claiming he would never do what my client did. For my client, this added “insult to injury” and it offended her more than her co-worker’s criticism.

In our coaching session my client explained that she finds this sort of “righteous” statement sets up a dynamic she wants to change because whenever she encounters this attitude she retaliates with argumentative and defensive reactions. Essentially then, my client’s coaching goal is to better understand her reaction so that she doesn’t lose her temper and responds in more productive ways.

If you have reacted defensively when you feel you are being admonished or criticized and the person says something like “I would never…”, or “If it were me…”, etc., here are some questions to consider:

• What was the specific situation about?
• What did you specifically say or do that resulted in the other person saying “I would never…”, or “if it were me…” (or whatever comparative statement that triggered a reaction in you)?
• If you felt defensive, what were you defending? How would you otherwise describe the impact on you?
• What was the truth in the other person’s admonishment?
• What was actually valid about her or his criticism?
• What was not true, in your opinion, of what she or he criticized you for? What was not resonant for you in her or his “I would never…” etc. remark that upset you most?
• How did you respond to the other person?
• How would you have preferred to respond? What stopped you, do you think?
• What request might the other person have made instead of the criticism/admonishment (and “I would never…” comment) that you would have received better?
• What conflict masterful way might you react when others trigger you, in the future, with statements such as “If it were me I would never…”?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?