The other day a coaching client told me that she became angry at a man she works with who criticized how she managed a situation. She said he went on to “use himself as a model human being” by claiming he would never do what my client did. For my client, this added “insult to injury” and it offended her more than her co-worker’s criticism.

In our coaching session my client explained that she finds this sort of “righteous” statement sets up a dynamic she wants to change because whenever she encounters this attitude she retaliates with argumentative and defensive reactions. Essentially then, my client’s coaching goal is to better understand her reaction so that she doesn’t lose her temper and responds in more productive ways.

If you have reacted defensively when you feel you are being admonished or criticized and the person says something like “I would never…”, or “If it were me…”, etc., here are some questions to consider:

• What was the specific situation about?
• What did you specifically say or do that resulted in the other person saying “I would never…”, or “if it were me…” (or whatever comparative statement that triggered a reaction in you)?
• If you felt defensive, what were you defending? How would you otherwise describe the impact on you?
• What was the truth in the other person’s admonishment?
• What was actually valid about her or his criticism?
• What was not true, in your opinion, of what she or he criticized you for? What was not resonant for you in her or his “I would never…” etc. remark that upset you most?
• How did you respond to the other person?
• How would you have preferred to respond? What stopped you, do you think?
• What request might the other person have made instead of the criticism/admonishment (and “I would never…” comment) that you would have received better?
• What conflict masterful way might you react when others trigger you, in the future, with statements such as “If it were me I would never…”?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

When we react to what others say or do there are times we are especially offended because we feel, at a consciousness or unconscious level, that they are offending us on purpose. In fact, we know there are times that is the person’s motive. That is, we may believe or know it is their way of retaliating, of getting a rise out of us, of hurting our feelings, and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog explores the notion that we and others create and contribute to both inner and outer conflict when we offend others on purpose and when we think someone else intends to offend us.

If this topic resonates for you, here are some questions to answer, considering either or both scenarios in your life:

• When you sense or know for sure someone has intentionally offended you, what was the situation about?
• What did the other person specifically say or do that was or seemed intentional to you?
• For what reasons did she or he intend to do so, do you think (in relation to the above question)?
• What other purposes might there be to consider?
• If you reacted to this or another situation by purposely hurting the other person back, what did you say or do?
• What was your purpose besides wanting to hurt the other person as a consequence of what they said or did?
• In another scenario you can think of, when you initiated a conflict by purposely hurting the other person, what compelled you to do so?
• What was your purpose then?
• What reaction did you experience from the other person? How did that impact you? The relationship? What positive outcomes occurred?
• What might be a preferable approach to achieve a more positive result, if you wanted one?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

As a kid, I remember using the phrase “mind your own beeswax” – instead of mind your own business – as a reaction to others who were being nosy. When I recently looked up this phrase I found several things, including:

“Since ‘mind their own business’ sounds harsh, if not impolite, the close-sounding word ‘beeswax’ was substituted. Those to whom the remark was directed might still get their noses out of joint, but somewhat less so than if the word had been ‘business’.”

“An interesting, although fanciful, piece of folk etymology tells us that American colonial women stood over a kettle and stirred wax to make candles. If they didn’t pay attention, the wax or fire might burn their hair and clothing. Someone who let her concentration wander would be reminded to ‘mind your own beeswax’.”

Another meaning According to Honeybee: Lessons from an Accidental Beekeeper (2009) by C. Marina Marchese is that “the expression might have its origins in the time when people sealed their letters with beeswax so no one could read them.”

Though there may be other theories, the relevant point for this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog is that some of us become irritated when we experience others are “minding our business”, leading to a conflict. Generally, we might not care when some people inquire after and about us. However, there are times when it feels invasive and intrusive to be asked things about what we are doing and why. Or, it may be when we find out someone is asking others about us. Perhaps it’s when, or additionally, the inquirer is someone who we believe has no right or reason to know things about us.

If you have a situation that has led to conflict in which you have said directly or with your inner voice “mind your own beeswax or business”, this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog might be of interest.

• What occurred?
• What is it about your business that the other person is curious about that feels intrusive to you?
• Why might that be (your answer to the above question)?
• If you don’t know why the person is curious, how might you find out?
• What reason for the other person not minding her or his business might reduce your negative reaction?
• How might you describe the impact on you?
• What bothers you most about the person not minding her or his business?
• Why do you suppose that is – that it bothers you?
• What is it about the person, if you haven’t said so already, i.e. who it is, how she or he is asking, etc.?
• When you have been accused of not minding your own business – if you have – what inspired your curiosity? Why is that?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

There’s a quote I really like by Richard Bach. It reads:

“Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they’re yours.”

I think this statement applies to any limitations we place on ourselves. That is, when we are convinced we are unable to be or do something – so it is. Self-limiting beliefs might sound like: “I’m not skilled enough to do that…”; “I am weak when it comes to…”; “I have no confidence about…”; and so on.

Reasons we identify certain things as limiting might be a matter of low self-esteem, history of being criticized, or even lack of motivation, laziness and other reasons. Essentially, we come to believe our self-professed limitations in whatever ways they began and they essentially preclude any efforts to disabuse ourselves of them.

When it comes to conflict, I often hear coaching clients and parties in mediations “argue their limitations”. This might sound something like: “I hate conflict. I’d rather avoid it”; “It’s easier to just give in”; “I have no idea how to settle things”; “It’s my fault, but I won’t apologize because…”; “If I knew how to resolve this I wouldn’t be here”; and so on.

Self-limiting beliefs in conflict restrict our thinking, our creativity, our ability to gain distance and to see beyond situations. They restrict hopefulness and optimism and the effort to try. Further, self-limiting beliefs get in the way of resolving and reconciling matters.

If you have self-limiting beliefs about yourself in a conflict situation, please consider these questions:

• What is the situation?
• What self-limiting beliefs, if any, do you have about the situation?
• What self-limiting beliefs, if any, do you have about yourself in this situation?
• What self-limiting beliefs, if any, do you have about your relationship with the other person?
• What are you gaining from your beliefs referred to in the last 3 questions? What are you losing from these beliefs?
• From where do your self-limiting beliefs come?
• How real is each self-limiting belief you named on a scale of 1-10 as absolutely true descriptions of yourself (10 on the scale reflects absolutely true)?
• What do you prefer to believe about yourself regarding each self-limiting belief you named?
• What will it take for you to believe your preferred belief?
• If you lived your preferred beliefs, what would be different in the conflict you described (first question)? How would your life otherwise be different?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

I like this quote by Doris Lessing from The Golden Notebook:

“There’s only one real sin, and that is to persuade oneself that the second-best is anything but the second-best.”

Many of us consider doing our second best in situations as sufficient. Maybe this is because we didn’t feel our best at the time and excuse our behaviour because it seems to be the best we could bring to it. Other reasons may have to do with low self-esteem, insufficient tools, lack of support and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog suggests that we have a choice to bring our best self – not our second best self – to our conflict situations. What follows then, are some reflective questions to consider before a conflict arises – when you sense one is imminent – to be able to bring your best self to it.

• What is going on for you that gives you the sense that a conflict is imminent?
• What is going on that gives you the sense that the other person might be sharing the same sense, if that’s the case?
• What specifically is being triggered inside you?
• What might you be saying or doing to provoke the other person?
• How do you describe the best version of the you that you want to bring to this dispute?
• By bringing that best version (that you just described), what do you have to do to shift your attitude about the conflict?
• By bringing that best version (that you just described), what do you have to do to shift your attitude about the other person?
• By bringing that best version (that you just described), what do you have to do to shift your attitude about yourself?
• How is the best version of yourself different from the second best version of you?
• How is the best version of you someone you feel humbled and honoured to be?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?