For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular last year. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted November 28, 2017):

As a kid, I remember using the phrase “mind your own beeswax” – instead of mind your own business – as a reaction to others who were being nosy. When I recently looked up this phrase I found several things, including:

“Since ‘mind their own business’ sounds harsh, if not impolite, the close-sounding word ‘beeswax’ was substituted. Those to whom the remark was directed might still get their noses out of joint, but somewhat less so than if the word had been ‘business’.”

“An interesting, although fanciful, piece of folk etymology tells us that American colonial women stood over a kettle and stirred wax to make candles. If they didn’t pay attention, the wax or fire might burn their hair and clothing. Someone who let her concentration wander would be reminded to ‘mind your own beeswax’.”

Another meaning According to Honeybee: Lessons from an Accidental Beekeeper (2009) by C. Marina Marchese is that “the expression might have its origins in the time when people sealed their letters with beeswax so no one could read them.”

Though there may be other theories, the relevant point for this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog is that some of us become irritated when we experience others are “minding our business”, leading to a conflict. Generally, we might not care when some people inquire after and about us. However, there are times when it feels invasive and intrusive to be asked things about what we are doing and why. Or, it may be when we find out someone is asking others about us. Perhaps it’s when, or additionally, the inquirer is someone who we believe has no right or reason to know things about us.

If you have a situation that has led to conflict in which you have said directly or with your inner voice “mind your own beeswax or business”, this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog might be of interest.

• What occurred?
• What is it about your business that the other person is curious about that feels intrusive to you?
• Why might that be (your answer to the above question)?
• If you don’t know why the person is curious, how might you find out?
• What reason for the other person not minding her or his business might reduce your negative reaction?
• How might you describe the impact on you?
• What bothers you most about the person not minding her or his business?
• Why do you suppose that is – that it bothers you?
• What is it about the person, if you haven’t said so already, i.e. who it is, how she or he is asking, etc.?
• When you have been accused of not minding your own business – if you have – what inspired your curiosity? Why is that?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

For this week’s blog I am bringing back one that was popular last year. So, this one is from the archives (originally posted November 14, 2017):

I like this quote by Doris Lessing from The Golden Notebook:

“There’s only one real sin, and that is to persuade oneself that the second-best is anything but the second-best.”

Many of us consider doing our second best in situations as sufficient. Maybe this is because we didn’t feel our best at the time and excuse our behaviour because it seems to be the best we could bring to it. Other reasons may have to do with low self-esteem, insufficient tools, lack of support and so on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog suggests that we have a choice to bring our best self – not our second best self – to our conflict situations. What follows then, are some reflective questions to consider before a conflict arises – when you sense one is imminent – to be able to bring your best self to it.

• What is going on for you that gives you the sense that a conflict is imminent?
• What is going on that gives you the sense that the other person might be sharing the same sense, if that’s the case?
• What specifically is being triggered inside you?
• What might you be saying or doing to provoke the other person?
• How do you describe the best version of the you that you want to bring to this dispute?
• By bringing that best version (that you just described), what do you have to do to shift your attitude about the conflict?
• By bringing that best version (that you just described), what do you have to do to shift your attitude about the other person?
• By bringing that best version (that you just described), what do you have to do to shift your attitude about yourself?
• How is the best version of yourself different from the second best version of you?
• How is the best version of you someone you feel humbled and honoured to be?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Many of us revisit conflicts and other interactions in our heads – and sometimes many times – wishing we had the opportunity to do it again. Things we said and how we said them often haunt us. Try as we might to learn from these incidents, we might still repeat the same sort of behaviour again, with the same or another person. Indeed, it seems, at times, that our learning is short-lived, but the self-blame lingers on.

When you think about it, once conflicts are over it is difficult to revisit them – to explore and sustain the learning. We are relieved they have ended and just want to move on. However, we are likely destined to repeat things we do not learn from or make the changes that will stand us in better stead for the next conflict.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider the learning from a specific interpersonal conflict when answering the following questions:

• What was the conflict about?
• What did you do that you would like to redo?
• What bothers you most about what you did?
• What would you have preferred to say or do instead?
• What might have been different if you had done or said that in that incident?
• What do you think precluded you from doing so?
• What is significant about your preferred response that you can remember for the next time you are in conflict?
• What would it take for you to remember and use that response (your answer to the above question)?
• What else are you considering as you ponder this different approach?
• So, if you were to set intentions of how you want to “be” in conflict on an ongoing basis, what would they be?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?