What happens for some of us when we are embroiled in conflict is that we or the other person “lose face”. This expression essentially means being or feeling shamed or humiliated. However, the origin, according to The Phrase Finder reads as follows:

“‘Lose face’ began life in English as a translation of the Chinese phrase ‘tiu lien’. That phrase may also be expressed in English as ‘to suffer public disgrace’, that is, to be unable to show one’s face in public.”

Though it is not necessarily a matter of not wanting to show oneself in public, this notion of losing face can be devastating and have an adverse impact on those experiencing it.

Losing face can arise for any number of reasons and it typically leaves the person feeling ashamed, dejected, wronged, embarrassed, depressed, hopeless and other such negative emotions. As a consequence of losing face, people who feel shamed might withdraw, yield or walk away from a conflict feeling dissatisfied due to no resolution or the opportunity to assert their views sufficiently. They might also become emotional and combative – arguing relentlessly and becoming increasingly aggressive and defensive.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a time when you lost face in a conflict when answering the following questions:

• What was the situation?
• For what reasons did you lose face in that situation?
• What specifically did the other person say or do that contributed to your experience (if you didn’t answer this in the previous question)?
• What reasons do/did you attribute to her or him for saying or doing that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What was the impact on you in that experience (i.e. how did it feel)?
• How did you respond to the other person?
• What would someone see if looking at you when you lost face?
• What do you think you could have done differently, if anything, to prevent losing face?
• What might work to be able to gain back your face?
• What will be different on your face when you gain it back? What will you save when you regain your face?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching

To become conflict masterful, it requires us to step up. In case you are wondering, this is different from facing conflict, i.e. accepting that it exists. Stepping up is different, too, from being confrontational, combative and defending our position.

It is suggested in this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog that stepping up is about making an effort to understand the other person’s needs and owning our contribution or asking what it was if we don’t know. It’s about reaching out to resolve matters (or at least discuss them) and using the conflict as an opportunity to make things better between us and the other person.

Stepping up isn’t easy. In the heat of conflict, we are usually challenged to control our defensive reactions or remove ourselves from the blame game or hurt feelings. It requires us to reflect closely on ourselves, to regulate our emotions, and shift our brains from reaction to reflection before responding.

This week’s blog then, invites you to consider how to step up in ways that help reduce the tension and move the dispute into a conciliatory conversation. To do so, it is suggested that you bring to mind a dispute that already went off the rails or is currently doing so.

• What is the dispute about? What bothers you most about what the other person said or did?
• How would you describe the impact of the dispute on you? What is the impact on the other person from what you can observe or that you are otherwise aware of?
• How much would you like to rectify matters between you two, on a scale of 1-10 (10 being very much)?
• If less than 10 on the scale (above), what is the lower score about?
• If you were to step up, what would you want to accomplish by doing so?
• What might your first step be? How will you be taking this step?
• What would the next two steps be? How will you be taking these steps?
• What response from the other person do you want to be most prepared for?
• How will you ensure your responses are consistent with what you said you want to accomplish?
• What are you noticing in yourself as you contemplate stepping up?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching

In the midst of interpersonal conflict, it’s difficult to be kind to the other person – no matter how kind a person we may usually be. It is also difficult to be kind to ourselves. It’s understandable that when our equilibrium is off due to tension and the inability to get out of hurt, blame and defensiveness, that calling on our kindness is not a way of being that we can imagine, much less achieve.

In order to engage at these times, to effectively contribute to resolution, to move on, to retain our dignity, to be able to acknowledge our contribution to the tension, to apologize, to forgive, and to reduce the negativity, it helps to take a close look at kindness as a measurement of conflict mastery.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog suggests that there are ways to bring on our kind selves and hold onto that when we are offended. It’s not easy. Here are some reflective questions that might facilitate kindness when in conflict:

• When you are kind, in the usual course of life, what does kindness look like? What does it feel like?
• How do you think you are perceived by those on the receiving end of your kindness?
• When you are not at your kindest how do you interact?
• How are you perceived at these times (in response to the previous question)?
• What conflict situation comes to mind in which you know you were kind and perceived as such?
• What made kindness an easy and natural way for you to relate in that situation?
• Considering a dispute in which you were not kind to the other person, what was the main characteristic that came out that you are not proud of? In what way were you not kind to yourself in that situation?
• What stopped your kind self from interacting?
• If you were to have brought kindness to that dispute, what impact might this have had on the other person? What impact might your kindness have had on the conflict?
• What impact might your kindness have had on you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

 #conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching

We aren’t born, of course, with a set of skills to engage in interpersonal disputes. We learn, as we grow, what to do and what not to do from our families of origin, teachers, peers, leaders in all contexts and others. At some point many of us realize we don’t have the skills we need and want to learn how to effectively “be” in conflict, to handle ourselves better, and to find the opportunity within them to improve matters.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider skills you realize you would like to build. They may have to do with how to regulate emotions, not to become defensive, to respond and communicate in conciliatory ways, and so on.

The following questions suggest you start by reflecting on one skill you know you want to improve. You can go through the questions for other skills if the questions resonate!

Which skill do you want to improve – to start with? What specifically do you do that demonstrates this skill needs improvement?

When you have observed someone with this skill what impression does that make on you?

What makes it so (re: your answer to the previous question)?

What are the challenges for you in developing this skill?

What do you suppose it will take for you to overcome those challenges?

What difference will having this skill make in how you engage in your conflicts?

How will you feel about yourself when you have this skill? What impact will it have on others if you develop this skill?

In what specific ways do you think you will you be perceived differently?

If you were to try out this skill, in what relatively low-conflict context might you be able to do so?

How will you measure success when you develop this skill?

What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?

What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching

#conflictmanagementcoaching