Some conflicts we have with our co-workers, friends, family and others seem to stay with us. Sometimes they linger long after the dispute is, for all intents and purposes, over. One of the consequences is a continuing distrust of the other person and ongoing feelings such as anger, despair and vulnerability.

If we examine why we do not move past the dispute that appeared to be over or resolved, it helps to find a theme. Is it the same person, the specific trigger point, the values that we perceive are being undermined, the assumptions we are making, the issues and so on?

To become conflict masterful – to be resilient and able to move on from our disputes – it helps to take a close look at the sorts of dynamics that keep them alive in our minds, hearts and souls. It also helps to consider what could replace the thoughts and feelings to help us move on.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog repeats a common theme in conflict (and this blog) about letting go. This time you are invited to add another consideration though – how might you replace the tension and other feelings? Consider a dispute you are holding onto when answering the following questions:

• What is the dispute about?
• What feelings are lingering?
• What is unfinished for you?
• What do you wish you had said? What do you wish you had asked? What do you wish you had done differently?
• What else might be keeping you engaged in this conflict?
• If you were to let go, what emotional baggage would you get rid of?
• With what positive feelings might you replace those emotions (your answer to the previous question)? With what positive thoughts might you replace your negative ones about the other person?
• What else might help you move on?
• When you replace the feelings and thoughts with others and start to let go, what will you think about yourself that will be different?
• What may you say to the other person such that she or he will realize you have replaced your negative thoughts and feelings with more positive ones?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching

There are times when I’ve found myself reacting poorly to something another person says or does and then, discover I misinterpreted their intent. This may have happened to you too and, like I have, end up realizing you have made a big deal out of something that didn’t warrant a negative attribution or reaction.

Why do we do this? I’m not sure. But I think there are times we expect something off-putting from the other person because of our history or unconscious bias. That is, our brains have become primed to interpret the other person’s actions in ways that support our assumptions. Another reason may be we feel guilty about something we ourselves said or did and act out as some sort of justification. These and other reasons might account for a tendency to misinterpret or mis-attribute the other person’s motives.

In this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog, the questions aim to deconstruct the journey taken in a conflict situation to see if another pathway opens up different, less malevolent perspectives.

• What specifically provokes you about the other person?
• What impact does that have on you?
• What reasons have you attributed to the other person for why she or he says or does that?
• What supports these assumptions about her or him from other experiences, people, etc.?
• If there are other possible reasons for the person’s deeds or words that are more positive, what might they be?
• If you have said or done something similar, what reasons have you done so?
• If your best friend said or did that, what reasons may you attribute to her or him for doing so? How would your reaction be the same? Different?
• What would make what the other person said or did not as bad as you initially thought?
• What reasons would you consider forgivable, understandable and feel less upset about?
• What difference would it make to your relationship with this person if you replaced the negative attributions with more positive ones?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching

What happens for some of us when we are embroiled in conflict is that we or the other person “lose face”. This expression essentially means being or feeling shamed or humiliated. However, the origin, according to The Phrase Finder reads as follows:

“‘Lose face’ began life in English as a translation of the Chinese phrase ‘tiu lien’. That phrase may also be expressed in English as ‘to suffer public disgrace’, that is, to be unable to show one’s face in public.”

Though it is not necessarily a matter of not wanting to show oneself in public, this notion of losing face can be devastating and have an adverse impact on those experiencing it.

Losing face can arise for any number of reasons and it typically leaves the person feeling ashamed, dejected, wronged, embarrassed, depressed, hopeless and other such negative emotions. As a consequence of losing face, people who feel shamed might withdraw, yield or walk away from a conflict feeling dissatisfied due to no resolution or the opportunity to assert their views sufficiently. They might also become emotional and combative – arguing relentlessly and becoming increasingly aggressive and defensive.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a time when you lost face in a conflict when answering the following questions:

• What was the situation?
• For what reasons did you lose face in that situation?
• What specifically did the other person say or do that contributed to your experience (if you didn’t answer this in the previous question)?
• What reasons do/did you attribute to her or him for saying or doing that (your answer to the previous question)?
• What was the impact on you in that experience (i.e. how did it feel)?
• How did you respond to the other person?
• What would someone see if looking at you when you lost face?
• What do you think you could have done differently, if anything, to prevent losing face?
• What might work to be able to gain back your face?
• What will be different on your face when you gain it back? What will you save when you regain your face?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching

To become conflict masterful, it requires us to step up. In case you are wondering, this is different from facing conflict, i.e. accepting that it exists. Stepping up is different, too, from being confrontational, combative and defending our position.

It is suggested in this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog that stepping up is about making an effort to understand the other person’s needs and owning our contribution or asking what it was if we don’t know. It’s about reaching out to resolve matters (or at least discuss them) and using the conflict as an opportunity to make things better between us and the other person.

Stepping up isn’t easy. In the heat of conflict, we are usually challenged to control our defensive reactions or remove ourselves from the blame game or hurt feelings. It requires us to reflect closely on ourselves, to regulate our emotions, and shift our brains from reaction to reflection before responding.

This week’s blog then, invites you to consider how to step up in ways that help reduce the tension and move the dispute into a conciliatory conversation. To do so, it is suggested that you bring to mind a dispute that already went off the rails or is currently doing so.

• What is the dispute about? What bothers you most about what the other person said or did?
• How would you describe the impact of the dispute on you? What is the impact on the other person from what you can observe or that you are otherwise aware of?
• How much would you like to rectify matters between you two, on a scale of 1-10 (10 being very much)?
• If less than 10 on the scale (above), what is the lower score about?
• If you were to step up, what would you want to accomplish by doing so?
• What might your first step be? How will you be taking this step?
• What would the next two steps be? How will you be taking these steps?
• What response from the other person do you want to be most prepared for?
• How will you ensure your responses are consistent with what you said you want to accomplish?
• What are you noticing in yourself as you contemplate stepping up?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching