It sometimes feels as though we cannot stop our reactions when someone provokes us and we are offended by what they said or did. We have a knee-jerk reaction and what comes out of our mouths are words and tones of voice we later regret. We don’t seem to realize we could have chosen another option. And, generally-speaking, we do not acknowledge that we are at choice when we are in conflict and whether we make the situation fractious by our words and actions.

Essentially then, the notion that we lose control and cannot stop our emotions from escalating when we become provoked, offended or hurt, is not necessarily true. Most of us have the ability to control ourselves and regulate our emotional outbursts. How? It’s not easy if our habitual ways of reacting take over! One way is to pay attention to our thoughts and where we are feeling our emotional reactions, and to take a time out to process these things, as to not lose the opportunity to manage both.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider a situation in which you didn’t stop yourself from saying things that hurt the other person and that you regretted.

• What was the situation? What did you say that you regret (regretted)?
• What was the other person’s reaction at the time? To what specifically were they reacting?
• How did you feel afterwards?
• What other choices did you have than saying what you regret (regretted)?
• What got in your way of choosing one of those (considering your answers to the previous question)?
• What could you have controlled?
• What are the lingering thoughts you have about the situation?
• What emotions are still lingering?
• When faced with other triggering interactions in the future, what course of action might you take to stop yourself from reacting?
• What help do you want to learn how to stop yourself and make choices that better serve you and the other person?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution
#questions

There are a lot of things NOT to say or do when in conflict with someone else if we are wanting to resolve or mend things. There are also lots of things NOT to say to family, friends and others when they are in conflict if we are aiming to be supportive! Of course, some of us respond more positively than others, but based on my experience as a conflict management coach and mediator and in my own life, I hear many themes that commonly reflect the “do nots” in both these scenarios.

Considering this, here are a few suggested “do nots” about what not to say to the other person with whom we are in conflict if we want matters to resolve well between us:

• “Just stay calm.”
• “You’re just plain wrong.”
• “You’re an idiot.” (or other name-calling)
• “If you had a brain in your head…” (or other insults)
• “I knew I couldn’t trust you.”
• “That’s the last time I will ever consider you a friend.”

Avoiding, dismissing and gossiping about the person are also “do nots”.

When it comes to responding more positively to others like family, friends and colleagues who are in conflict, some “do nots” – what not to say – are:

• “Just stay calm.” (notice this is a “do not say” when in conflict ourselves)
• “The exact same thing happened to me.”
• “Just forget about it.”
• “Let it go. It’s not that important.” (Or, phrases such as “You’ll get over it”, or “It’ll pass”)
• “You did nothing wrong.”
• “Go out for a walk – it’ll clear your head.”

Giving advice, personalizing someone’s conflict experience, minimizing, dismissing and not listening are also “do nots”.

Based on the content, consider these Conflict Mastery Quest(ions):

• What sorts of things do you not like the other person to say to you when you are in conflict with them (of the nature of things referred to above)?
• What is most offensive for you about these things (your answer to the above question)?
• What have you said to people with whom you are in conflict that doesn’t work well for them?
• What do you think propels you to say those things (your answers to the above questions)?
• How do you suppose you can stop yourself from the “do nots” towards people with whom you are in conflict?
• What do you not like that friends, colleagues or family members say to you when you tell them about your conflicts?
• For what specific reasons (your answer to the above)?
• What are the “dos” that you want friends, colleagues or family members to say to you when you share your conflicts – that would feel more supportive?
• What do you suppose are some best practices to stop ourselves from the “do nots” towards friends, colleagues and family members when they are in conflict?
• What other “dos” and “do nots” can you think of that you will pay most attention to, going forward?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution
#questions

One of the many attitudes to conflict that derails interpersonal conflicts (and most conflicts, really) is a need to be right. Having to “win”, to assert our perspective as the best one, and be “better than”, “smarter than” and so on, all seem to fall under this need. I’ve been thinking about why it is so important to some of us to be right such that conflicts focus on these polarized dimensions – right and wrong.

Considering this, I found myself asking a lot of questions. For instance, does the need to be right also mean there’s a need to humiliate the other person, or to make them feel foolish? Is it about an inflated ego or a deflated one? Is there a reason why we cannot understand that the other person is right as far as they are concerned? How come solutions and positions can only be right or wrong?

As you can tell, I have questions, but I don’t know the answers. It seems to me though we close off open mindedness, creativity and flexibility as core values when we have to be right and make the other person wrong. It also seems we lose dignity and kindness when we do so.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a time you strongly asserted that you were right on an issue and would not back down as you answer the following:

• What was the conflict situation in which you asserted you were right?
• What made your view right in that situation?
• What was wrong about the other person’s viewpoint, as far as you were concerned?
• What motivated you to take a strong stance?
• What did the other person object to about your view/position?
• What did the other person consider right about their position or perspective?
• What specifically makes this situation a matter of someone having to be right and someone having to be wrong? Why is that?
• What did you accomplish by asserting your rightness in this situation? How did it help?
• How was it not helpful?
• If you were to accept part of what was right for the other person, what might that be? What difference would it make to the conflict?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution
#questions
#beingright
#rightandwrong