There are times we become so frustrated with a conflict that we feel spent – that the dynamic and its resolution are unsurmountable. We are usually full of despair and anger at these times. This may be when we use an expression like “I’m at the end of my rope!”

This phrase has an interesting derivation, having originated from the tethering of horses to eat (but not allowing them to run free). So, horses would only eat in the area that their rope allowed. When they ate all the grass that was easy, they then stretched and ate in the area that was “at the end of their rope”.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog suggests you consider a conflict in which you are at the end of your rope when responding to these questions:

• What is the conflict about?
• What specifically upset you to the point that your frustration grew?
• When you reached “the end of your rope”, what happened?
• What other words describe that experience?
• What survivor instinct (like the horses demonstrated) do you have – to overcome the problem and solve it?
• If the issues were solved, what would an acceptable resolution be for you?
• What do you think would be an acceptable resolution for the other person?
• If you both used your survival skills to make things work, what might be mutually acceptable?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
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#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution
#questions

Recently, I was interviewed by Kathy Caprino – Senior Contributor to Forbes blog – on conflict management and leaders. In response to one of the questions about what compelled me to create a conflict management coaching model, I explained that in my work as a workplace mediator it became evident that many leaders do not know how to “be” in conflict. That is, engaging effectively is not a competency that many leaders bring to their work. Being able to listen well (to hear and understand before talking), to regulate emotions, to engage others in challenging conversations with calm, and other such characteristics are just some of the traits associated with this competency.

Conflict competent leaders also work to build conflict competent organizations. And by doing so, contribute to normalizing conflict. This means, among other things, accepting the inevitability of conflict and creating systems and processes to facilitate difficult conversations. It means addressing differences that are fractious in nature (and commonly occur in most workplaces) and providing opportunities for staff to share their ideas and views without recrimination.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider the notion of “being” in conflict for you.

• What sorts of conflicts do you want to engage in with increased confidence and competence?
• What are the commonalities of the types of conflicts in which you don’t see yourself as conflict competent yet?
• What does being conflict competent mean to you in terms of how you would like to “be” in those situations (that you refer to in response to the above questions)?
• What do you suppose gets in your way of being conflict competent?
• When you have observed others who seem to engage effectively in conflict, what way of being do they demonstrate that you would like to emulate?
• When you take one of the conflicts from the first question – one that was especially difficult for you – what was most difficult about that one?
• For what reason (further to the above question)?
• If you were conflict competent in that situation, what skills would you have that you didn’t then?
• How will you feel about yourself when you become conflict competent? How will you feel about the other person with whom you are in conflict, to be able to be conflict competent?
• What efforts might you make to strengthen your conflict competency?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution
#questions

You may have had times that you wish you could have a conflict “do-over”. These are situations about which we ruminate – wishing we had said something differently or hadn’t said anything! These are situations in which we realize we derailed any chance for reconciliation, collaboration or compromise. These are situations we look back on regretting we acted in ways that hurt the other person and ourselves.

While we cannot do conflicts over, we can learn what to do and not to do the next time. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider what a “do-over” of a specific conflict might be like, to be able to handle a similar situation more effectively if it (or some form of it) appears again.

• What was the conflict situation?
• What specific parts do you wish you could do-over?
• What is it about those specific parts that have lingered on for you in terms of the impact on the other person?
• How do you describe the impact on them?
• What parts have lingered on in terms of the impact on you? How do you describe the impact on you?
• What specifically could you have done differently that would have not resulted in that impact on the other person? On you?
• What (else) might the other person say you could have done differently?
• What precluded you from managing the situation in the way you would have preferred?
• What are 3 of your strongest learnings from this situation?
• What do you need to be able to apply those learnings the next time you are faced with a similar situation?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict
#conflictmanagement
#conflictresolution
#questions