“I’m at that stage of my life where I keep myself out of arguments even if you tell me 1+1=5 you’re absolutely correct, enjoy.”

I laughed when I read this quote (author unknown)! One of my conflict management coaching clients said something to this effect that same day, and both reminded me of the saying “pick your battles” – but, even more than that, too. My client’s mood and how I read the tone of this quote were more of the nature of ‘not worth the bother’, ‘makes me tired just thinking about it, ‘who cares, really?’

I decided, based on that conversation and the impact on the client, that this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog would speak to those sentiments and our reactions when disagreeing (arguing, asserting our views, etc.) just doesn’t feel like the way we want to spend our time and energy. With that in mind, it will help to bring to mind an interpersonal conflict for which these sentiments resonate as you respond to this series of questions:

• What is the conflict about?
• How would you describe your reaction to the conflict dynamic – in the nature of what was described above?
• How might you explain what is specifically motivating that reaction (your answer to the previous question)?
• If there was something the other person might have said or done that would have resulted in a different  reaction – such that you would have engaged with them – what would that have been?
• How would you have likely responded then?
• What are the positive things that have come out of you not engaging in this conflict?
• What hasn’t been as positive?
• What do you know about yourself that is evident by your reaction in the situation you described (first question)?
• What do you know about the types of conflicts – in general – from which you plan to stay away?
• Considering your answers to the questions so far, what do you know about the types of conflicts that are worth engaging in?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

Interpersonal conflicts are part of life, and we can resolve them if we put our minds to it 

Some interpersonal conflicts are irreconcilable

As much as we might want to resolve our interpersonal conflicts there’s no shame in facing the fact that some situations and relationships are not reconcilable. And even when there appears to be a resolution of our differences, it doesn’t mean we are at peace – internally.

In many conflicts I hear about from my coaching clients , and in my own experience, there is  the palpable need,  desire,  hope or the expectation that matters will be resolved – whether it’s with a partner, co-worker , boss, direct report, neighbour, friend and so on. In some cases though clients realize and I myself have faced the reality that the wound being experienced is too deep to be mended, that the relationship is beyond repair, that the connection has been lost.  This may be as a consequence of the extent to which deep values are being undermined, or that the other person’s betrayal is too egregious, or that their treatment of us is totally unacceptable and many other such reasons.

It doesn’t mean we accept this reality with ease, of course. We may spend time and energy trying to make things right, take on the responsibility of the breakdown in the relationship, engage in self-blame and otherwise put our energy into salvaging what has been lost.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a dispute you are in and questioning whether it is really reconcilable, and even whether that is the hope – any longer.

• What happened between you and the other person?
• What do you think makes things irreconcilable between you two?
• What were you hoping the outcome might be?
• What, if anything, do you want to preserve from the relationship?
• What are you realizing you don’t want from the relationship anymore?
• What do you want to feel about yourself that you don’t feel right now?
• What might the biggest loss be for you if things remain irreconcilable?
• What will you gain if things cannot be reconciled?
• What might the biggest loss be for the other person?
• What will you think about yourself – if you decide things are not reconcilable – that will give you peace?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

“Good relationships do not depend on whether we understand the other person. They depend on how well we manage our misunderstandings.” (author unknown)

It could happen on any day – for any number of reasons – that we find ourselves engaged in a misunderstanding in which we negatively react to something another person says or does. Or, someone negatively reacts to something we say or do.

Sometimes it’s clear what offends us. Sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it’s clear we offended the other person and why and sometimes it isn’t. We just know something bothers or upsets us or them at these times and we’re left feeling unsettled. Where we go in our minds (and hearts) reflects how we commonly process  conflict and what we tend to think and feel – in varying degrees – at these times

Focusing on one of your interpersonal disputes  in which you had a misunderstanding with a good friend (or family member or co-worker ), and reacted in ways you regret, this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) suggests you take a minute to take stock of what you are experiencing right now in that regard.

You might be struggling to know how you could have responded differently or at all. Or, you may be having an internal debate about  how to prepare yourself, in the future, when things start to derail. On the other hand, you may be wondering how to revisit the situation and make amends, clarify your intentions and so on.

To analyze these sorts of situations, this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a past dispute with someone with whom you usually have a good relationship and consider the following series of questions. Hopefully, they will  provide some insights into ways to more effectively manage this sort of misunderstanding whether it is with them or someone else.

• What did the other person say or do that initiated or perpetuated the idea conflict between you and them?
• What did you say or do that contributed to or initiated the conflict?
• How might an onlooker describe what happened between you two – taking neither side – and looking at the interaction objectively? What might that observer suggest you could have done more effectively?
• If the conflict is something you experienced internally only (the other person wasn’t aware at the time of what they were saying or doing to upset you) how would you describe your experience?
• If the conflict was externalized such that the other person knew you were upset and reacted to you – how might you describe what they observed regarding the impact on you and your experience of the conflict?
• How might you describe what you observed about the other person and their reaction at that time?
• How did you manage the situation well at the time – whether or not it was externalized? What did you like most about how you managed the situation?
• If you weren’t happy with how you managed the situation what are the reasons for that?
• If the other person wasn’t happy with how you managed the situation what do you think they would have preferred that you said or did (if you haven’t already explained how in response to the previous question)?
• What would you like to improve upon most to ensure you manage misunderstandings more effectively?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.” Lewis Carroll

This quote applies to just about anything really but, this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog is all about those inter-relational disputes that seem to be sustaining themselves on something unidentifiable – with no resolution in sight. Negative feelings linger and the relationship is strained and the unrest and tension simmers. At these times there is also a knowing sense of incompletion that can add to that tension and create even more.

There aren’t clear reasons to explain every unresolved dispute. It might be things that were said that sting deeply and the sting sticks; it may be things that weren’t said that needed to be said; it may be the realization that the relationship is suffering with no idea of what will help reconcile things; and it may be the reality that the relationship is beyond repair. These and other reasons can keep the conflict alive in its own way and the sense that reconciliation does not feel possible. These things weigh heavily and have an impact on our day to day lives.

Another reason that conflicts can continue to maintain their hold is that one or both (all) people have no real idea of what they are feeling about the dispute, what they want to have happen, what will change the road they are on, what changes would reconcile matters, or at least find a way to feel less angst about the conflict dynamic and the mess remaining behind. With no idea how things may get reconciled or a way to alleviate the pain and move forward nothing happens. So, it’s a matter of finding the road.

For the set of questions here I invite you to consider a dispute that is lingering, and you are feeling lost with no plan of how to make things better.

• What is the dispute about?
• What remains unresolved for you?
• What is that feeling like for you?
• What do you suppose remains unresolved for the other person?
• What do you suppose they are experiencing about the conflict?
• What would you like to see happen? What makes that important to you?
• What do you think the other person wants to have happen? What makes that important to them do you think?
• What common ground do you two share in regards to this conflict?
• What sort of plan can you think of that will start the journey to reconciling your differences?
• What may need to happen to make the plan mutually satisfactory if you want it to be?
• What clarity do you need to have to move forward? What do you need to feel to move forward? What do you need to do?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

“If we know what we truly regret, we know what we truly value” Daniel Pink