“Good relationships do not depend on whether we understand the other person. They depend on how well we manage our misunderstandings.” (author unknown)

It could happen on any day – for any number of reasons – that we find ourselves engaged in a misunderstanding in which we negatively react to something another person says or does. Or, someone negatively reacts to something we say or do.

Sometimes it’s clear what offends us. Sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it’s clear we offended the other person and why and sometimes it isn’t. We just know something bothers or upsets us or them at these times and we’re left feeling unsettled. Where we go in our minds (and hearts) reflects how we commonly process  conflict and what we tend to think and feel – in varying degrees – at these times

Focusing on one of your interpersonal disputes  in which you had a misunderstanding with a good friend (or family member or co-worker ), and reacted in ways you regret, this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) suggests you take a minute to take stock of what you are experiencing right now in that regard.

You might be struggling to know how you could have responded differently or at all. Or, you may be having an internal debate about  how to prepare yourself, in the future, when things start to derail. On the other hand, you may be wondering how to revisit the situation and make amends, clarify your intentions and so on.

To analyze these sorts of situations, this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a past dispute with someone with whom you usually have a good relationship and consider the following series of questions. Hopefully, they will  provide some insights into ways to more effectively manage this sort of misunderstanding whether it is with them or someone else.

• What did the other person say or do that initiated or perpetuated the idea conflict between you and them?
• What did you say or do that contributed to or initiated the conflict?
• How might an onlooker describe what happened between you two – taking neither side – and looking at the interaction objectively? What might that observer suggest you could have done more effectively?
• If the conflict is something you experienced internally only (the other person wasn’t aware at the time of what they were saying or doing to upset you) how would you describe your experience?
• If the conflict was externalized such that the other person knew you were upset and reacted to you – how might you describe what they observed regarding the impact on you and your experience of the conflict?
• How might you describe what you observed about the other person and their reaction at that time?
• How did you manage the situation well at the time – whether or not it was externalized? What did you like most about how you managed the situation?
• If you weren’t happy with how you managed the situation what are the reasons for that?
• If the other person wasn’t happy with how you managed the situation what do you think they would have preferred that you said or did (if you haven’t already explained how in response to the previous question)?
• What would you like to improve upon most to ensure you manage misunderstandings more effectively?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will get you there.” Lewis Carroll

This quote applies to just about anything really but, this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog is all about those inter-relational disputes that seem to be sustaining themselves on something unidentifiable – with no resolution in sight. Negative feelings linger and the relationship is strained and the unrest and tension simmers. At these times there is also a knowing sense of incompletion that can add to that tension and create even more.

There aren’t clear reasons to explain every unresolved dispute. It might be things that were said that sting deeply and the sting sticks; it may be things that weren’t said that needed to be said; it may be the realization that the relationship is suffering with no idea of what will help reconcile things; and it may be the reality that the relationship is beyond repair. These and other reasons can keep the conflict alive in its own way and the sense that reconciliation does not feel possible. These things weigh heavily and have an impact on our day to day lives.

Another reason that conflicts can continue to maintain their hold is that one or both (all) people have no real idea of what they are feeling about the dispute, what they want to have happen, what will change the road they are on, what changes would reconcile matters, or at least find a way to feel less angst about the conflict dynamic and the mess remaining behind. With no idea how things may get reconciled or a way to alleviate the pain and move forward nothing happens. So, it’s a matter of finding the road.

For the set of questions here I invite you to consider a dispute that is lingering, and you are feeling lost with no plan of how to make things better.

• What is the dispute about?
• What remains unresolved for you?
• What is that feeling like for you?
• What do you suppose remains unresolved for the other person?
• What do you suppose they are experiencing about the conflict?
• What would you like to see happen? What makes that important to you?
• What do you think the other person wants to have happen? What makes that important to them do you think?
• What common ground do you two share in regards to this conflict?
• What sort of plan can you think of that will start the journey to reconciling your differences?
• What may need to happen to make the plan mutually satisfactory if you want it to be?
• What clarity do you need to have to move forward? What do you need to feel to move forward? What do you need to do?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)

“If we know what we truly regret, we know what we truly value” Daniel Pink

As has been my tradition for 20 years, I like to share with you my Conflict Resolutions each year. So, these are for 2025! As you will see I’m still working on ones I included last year!

This year I will respect and appreciate and honour our differences.

This year I will remember I have room in my heart to love more and to love more deeply.

This year I will cherish my family and my friends and colleagues even more and continue to tell them how grateful I am for who they are and all they do.

This year I will listen deeply – with more compassion, kindness, and love.

This year I will approach my interpersonal conflicts with increased humility, thoughtfulness, patience, and openness.

This year I will be true to myself and acknowledge that others strive to be true to themselves, too.

This year I will speak my truth and welcome others to speak theirs without judgment.

This year I will admit when I misspeak and learn from my mistakes. I will forgive myself for my mistakes and others for theirs.

This year I will reach out, even more, to give support to those in need.

This year I will do more to build peace – one person at a time.

Sending you my warmest regards and may year 2025 be full of joy and good health and love for you and yours and peace for us all.

Cinnie Noble, CINERGY® Coaching
www.cinergycoaching.com

This quote applies to just about everything I guess 😊 And, it is used here in our conversation today as it relates to interpersonal conflict.

There have been so many times after interpersonal conflicts that I’ve wanted a do-over!  I think of things I wished I’d said or hadn’t said. I think of what I might have misinterpreted. I think of how else I should have reacted. I wonder what I don’t know, what I didn’t ask, what the other person may not know or what they interpreted – incorrectly – and so on.

As in other blogs in which I have talked about the aftermath of conflict and its many machinations, this one invites you to consider what might be a way forward regarding a dispute you have had when you find yourself going back – agonizing, worrying, mad at yourself, angry at the other person. So, consider a dispute about which you wish it had a better ending. You might feel as though there is no recourse at this point. The questions for this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog contemplate what might support your quest to find a better ending despite these feelings.

• What was the dispute about?
• About what specifically do you continue to agonize?
• Consider what do you wish you had said? Not said?
• How might you describe the current ending of that dispute?
• How might the other person describe where things are at now between you?
• What don’t you know about the other person and their experience of the dispute, at this point? What doesn’t the other person know about you and your experience of the dispute do you think?
• What is your preferred ending to this dispute?
• What might you say or do to make your preferred ending a reality?
• What challenges will you face to make the preferred ending happen? How will you overcome those challenges?
• How will you feel when the preferred ending is reached? How might the other person feel?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

(Popular – from the archives)