I like this Japanese proverb…so simple and so true. Many times I have written about looking at all sides of a conflict, and many times I have coached people to consider the other person’s perspective. However, it is evident from my experience as a conflict management coach and personally too, that it’s not all that simple!

It makes sense that there is more than our view about things. However, sense is one of the things we often lose when in conflict. That is, we lose our sense of self, what is really important, that there are other ways of looking at the matters in dispute, that the other person has feelings about this matter, too and so on. Once emotions erupt it becomes harder and harder to step back from the dynamic that embroils us. To the degree our emotions are expressed – or at least  felt – indicates how much something means to us. Some actions and words will hurt and offend more than others. This may have to do with the other person’s push, how much we want or need that which we are wanting or asking for, how hopeless, shamed and insulted we feel and so on. So, what does it take to step back and look at both sides of the sheet of paper?

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog suggests you consider a dispute that is ongoing for you – even if it has been seemingly resolved, and you are still ruminating about it – as you respond to these questions. You might be able to stand back as you respond.

• What does your side of the paper say about what happened between you and the other person in the dispute?
• As you convey your side. on what particular points does your negative energy increase about the matters in dispute? About the other person?
• What do you suppose makes those points especially difficult for you?
• What might the other person say on their side of the paper that happened between the two of you?
• How does the other person’s side differ from your own?
• What don’t you understand about the other person and their perspective? What do you suppose the other person is missing about your point of view?
• If someone you trust read both sides of the sheet of paper what other perspective might that person raise?
• What did you do about the situation so far?
• What might your trusted friend suggest you do?
• If the one or more questions here have helped you step back from the dispute, what are you now thinking about the other person’s perspective on their sheet of paper that is different from when you started?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution

“The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said.” ~ Peter F. Drucker

In previous blogs, I have talked about the unsaid – the unspoken words and emotions – that continue to linger and can cause ongoing tensions between us and the persons with whom we have interpersonal disputes. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog speaks further to this common tendency to not say all we want and need to in the midst of a conflict, and the consequences of that. At the same time, we are not likely hearing what the other person wants and needs to say either. In either case, many of us have queries about the unsaid – our unspoken words and emotions and the other person’s. We may retain the sense that the unsaid was and still is important and we didn’t express (or haven’t expressed) all we needed to. We may wonder if it was or is our fears and other emotions precluding us from doing so.

In reality, it is difficult to effectively express all that is on our minds and in our hearts when we are in the midst of an argument. A lot is said – some of which we mean to say and some of which reflects our state of mind when we are experiencing a range of emotions – that we don’t always mean. A lot is also left out. In the same vein, it is difficult to stay present and pay attention to what the other person is saying – and what they are not saying – when in conflict. Just as we hold back on some things we want to express, so do they. We both may be afraid of saying things we’ll regret and we both might lose perspective, making it difficult to express so that the other will hear what needs to be said. It is not an easy time and the ability to hear what isn’t being said is as challenging as listening to and hearing what is.

To answer this week’s series of questions, consider a dispute you have had or are in or have had:

• What is the situation?
• What in your view caused the dispute?
• What might the other person say caused the dispute?
• What upset you most in this situation?
• What didn’t you say to the other person that you wished you had?
• What would you still like the person to know about that (your answer to the above question)? What else remains unsaid by you?
• If you had expressed what you wanted to what difference might that have made to the dispute? To the other person?
• During- or since – the dispute what did you hear or discover that the other person is most upset about?
• What might be their ‘unsaid’, as you think about this situation now?
• If the other person had expressed their ‘unsaid’ what difference might that have made to you? To them?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution

“Setting an example is not the main means of influencing others; it is the only means.” ~Albert Einstein

It’s not always apparent to the leaders referred to me for conflict management coaching that their way of managing and engaging in interpersonal disputes is having an adverse influence on workplace unrest and tensions. They are often not aware as well, how staff in their organization contribute to this by modelling the leader’s way of interacting and creating their own tumult and deconstructive impact on the workplace. Referrals for leaders to shift their ways of being in conflict arise as a consequence of  this and  the systemic growth of conflict resulting in financial losses due to attrition, legal claims about harassment and bullying, the need for a range of costly interventions, and a poor reputation leading to clients choosing other services.

On the other hand, I am increasingly finding that leaders are self-identifying their challenges and seeking coaching – that is, coming to coaching of their own accord when, or even before, conflict problems are evident. Some are being proactive for the organization as a whole. They accept that conflict is inevitable and look to plan ways that conflict may be ‘normalized’. This might include developing integrated systems and processes to prevent unnecessary conflict and to manage necessary conflict. Leaders also pay attention to their own contribution, and accept that their influence is a critical component of the dynamics needed to build a culture of conflict competence.

The same leaders it appears, from my experience, are more apt to face their own symptoms that are keeping them from being conflict competent. For instance, they may be find their tempers are escalating and they are interacting in ways that shut people down or exacerbate the tensions; they might have been told their way of communicating is problematic – sharp, patronizing, critical and so on; they may be continually demonstrating defensive behaviour; they may refuse to listen and hear what is going on around them and so on. When leaders admit they have a responsibility to improve their way of managing conflict they stand a good chance of stopping the message they have previously sent that says ‘you are allowed to act like this too!’

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites leaders and others, of course, to consider how you influence others by the way you engage in conflict – considering the ways you know you need improvement as to not negatively influence others.

• How might you describe the way conflict is managed in your organization?
• What works best now about how people in the organization generally manage conflict? What isn’t working?
• What conflict behaviours do you currently have that work well?
• What conflict behaviours do you yourself engage in that you know are counterproductive? From where do you learn and develop those particular behaviours?
• How does it feel for you when you are demonstrating those unproductive behaviours?
• What sort of fall-out have you experienced or observed by or among others as a consequence of interacting in the ways you described as counterproductive?
• If you have observed others interact in similar ways as you described about yourself, what is your impression of them?
• How might you describe the traits you would like to develop or strengthen – to be able to  set an example of conflict competence – and which will positively  influence others to model?
• Please consider one of those competencies at this time. Since you have a choice about how you interact, what do you think you need to do to consciously shift your way of communicating to develop that? How will that influence others when that becomes a trait of yours?
• What does it feel like to consider you are ‘at choice’ about how you manage conflict and with practice are able to strength your conflict competence?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflict management
#disputeresolution