It’s not the first time this blog has written about a common reaction to being in conflict – looking behind us at what happened or didn’t happen, wishing we had said or done something differently, continually blaming ourselves or the other person for things we cannot take back and so on. There are so many reasons for this.

Guilt, shame, hurt, anger, recrimination, unreconciled feelings, unfinished and unresolved issues – are just a few reasons that can get in the way of moving forward. Indeed, these and other lingering experiences of the dissension keep us in the fray and in our unresolved feelings.

The challenge that results from looking back is, of course, we can neither change nor undo what happened – what we said or did – nor, can we change what the other person said or did. Nor, can the other person change their part in the dispute and their experience. It’s often very hard to accept this and for many there remains some ongoing hope that by looking back –revisiting the dispute – there will be a way that we can change what happened and the outcome.

Going forward might mean being able to forgive ourselves for what we wished we’d said or done differently and not looking back as though we can change things. Going forward – it is also a good idea to consider what we gained from the unresolved and unreconciled dispute – to learn from what occurred or didn’t occur and consider ways to manage ourselves and the conflict dynamic if the same sort of situation erupts in the future.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider a conflict about which you are looking back.

• What happened? What are you looking back at?
• What’s compelling you to look back?
• What are you seeing back there?
• What is it you are wanting to gain from looking back that you don’t have?
• What do you think you can change about what occurred? How?
• What would you like the other person to know that you think they don’t?
• What do you want to know that the other person might be able to tell you?
• What question did you not ask the other person? Or would you like to ask them now?
• What answers do you want to hear (in response to the above questions)?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

The other day I used the word ‘aftermath’ in front of my friend’s 9-year-old daughter Maya and she thought it a strange expression. I had just asked her mother what the aftermath was of the dispute she had experienced. Maya is a great math student and asked ‘Where does math fit in?’  I explained to her what I think the word means by saying it’s like asking about what happened. She asked why that word is used and then, I realized I was curious about the derivation, too. So, I decided to look up the term and this is what Free Dictionary says. They define the word as:

1. A consequence, especially of a disaster or misfortune: famine as an aftermath of drought.

2. A period of time following a disastrous event: in the aftermath of war.

Admittedly, I don’t think when I refer to the aftermath that they arise from calamitous events as the definition implies. But, the consequences of some of our interpersonal disputes – the ones that remain unresolved internally and externally – are difficult whether or not they may be described as disasters. In any case, this blog invites readers to consider the aftermath of an interpersonal dispute that continues to linger in some ways and upset you as you answer the following questions:

• What happened in that dispute?
• What is lingering for you about it?
• What issues are most unresolved between you and the other person?
• What are the emotions that you continue to feel? How is the aftermath effecting you most these days?
• What do you wish you had said or done at the time?
• What is your relationship like with the other person now?
• What do you know about how the other person is experiencing the aftermath?
• What would you like to see reconciled so that the aftermath wouldn’t be so difficult?
• What is there to learn from the aftermath?
• How might you improve the aftermath you are experiencing?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

Many of us have fine-tuned instincts that help guide us through challenges we face when we encounter situations and interactions that perplex us.  We might use the expression “my gut tells me….” at these times. Gut instinct or intuition refers, generally, to our immediate understanding of something – a feeling that there is no need to think on it to any degree. We just seem to trust ourselves that we have the answer.

The thing is, we aren’t actually 100% accurate all of the time about what we are intuiting and particularly, when we don’t have all the facts to support us. Because our instincts are often accurate, we might tend to think we are stronger in that area than we are and act accordingly. Over time though, I have come to see, by my own experiences and many of my coaching clients’, that trusting our guts can lead to foolish decisions and choices.

What I have come to realize is that when I rely and act on my gut instincts I sometimes do so to my detriment.  I miss the opportunity to strengthen my curiosity muscle – to ask more questions and get more ideas, to engage the person or persons about their views – opening up the space for them to also, share their ideas and feelings, and to be more humble about my determinations, and find other answers that may be better for others and me. These and the other things can get lost if we rely solely on our gut.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites readers to consider a situation in which you relied on your gut, and you are not so sure your gut held all the answers.

• What is the situation in which you relied on your gut instincts?
• What did your gut tell you was going on?
• What did your instincts tell you to say or do that you acted on?
• What made that feel right at the time?
• What didn’t work about using your instincts, in this situation?
• What was the impact on you as a consequence (your answer to the above question)?
• What was the impact on the other person?
• How did it impact the situation between you?
• What might you have done differently – rather than relying on your gut instincts?
• Given that you might be used to counting on your instincts – and they are generally strong and accurate  – what did you learn from this particular conflict that you may add to a tendency to rely on them?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

When we are in conflict – within ourselves or with another person – we typically find ourselves focusing on something specific about what we are feeling and what happened. And our energy around that something grows exponentially the more we do so. Our hearts and brains take us to negative places, and we can get stuck there – building on the version of the facts that upsets us most and our feelings connected to those.

Once that happens it makes it harder to find our way back or to a place in which our concentration isn’t causing our emotions and thoughts to grow out of whack – even beyond what’s true and relevant.

Since we are ‘at choice’ when it comes to that on which we focus, it’s an  interesting exercise to contemplate why we select certain negative parts about our conflicts to consume our energy. At these times, we are not likely realizing that – as the quote goes – what we choose to focus on grows.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites readers to consider specific parts of a dispute on which you are focusing your thoughts and your feelings – as you answer these questions:

• What happened in the conflict?
• On what part are you focusing your thoughts? What are your precise thoughts?
• Why do you suppose you chose that part on which to focus?
• In what ways have your thoughts grown (from where they started till now)?
• What words describe the feelings you are experiencing?
• In what ways have they grown (from where they started till now)?
• What is unresolved about the part on which your energy is focused regarding the conflict?
• What bothers you most about the other person in this situation? Why is that?
• For what reasons might you choose to stunt the growth of the thoughts and feelings about the other person on which you’ve been focusing?
• What might help you then, to diminish your thoughts that grew? What might diminish  the feelings that grew?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution