“For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them.” Thich Nhat Hanh

One of the things that many of us do when we are in conflict is to make assumptions about the other person and their motives. Depending on our relationship with the person, the nature of the situation, what is said or done (or not said or done), and our frame of mind and heart at that time, there are varying levels of assumptions we may make.

We may start out by giving the other person the benefit of the doubt and make excuses that demonstrate some empathy or understanding of why they are acting or being a certain way that irritates us. On the other hand, we may go directly to malevolent assumptions, depending on what they have said or done and the degree to which we are offended by them.

Reflecting on and checking out our assumptions – the perspectives and views we choose – helps us become more masterful at managing conflict. To most effectively respond to some of the queries from this week’s ConflictMastery Quest(ions) blog, it helps to consider a specific situation that is ongoing or one that has recently happened when answering these questions:

• Considering a specific situation, what did the other person say or do that you found particularly irritating?
• What are three possible reasons you might attribute to them and why they did so?
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• If you do this sort of thing yourself at times, what are your reasons? How might those reasons apply here?
• What don’t you know about the other person’s reasons for saying or doing that (those things) that provoked you in that scenario?
• If you check it out and you are right about your negative assumption(s) about the other person in this particular situation, what will that mean for you?
• If you check it out and you are not right about your negative assumption (s), what might that mean for you?
• What may surprise you about the other person’s motives that would be the best case scenario for you?
• If checking out your assumptions with the other person’s motives is a challenge for you, what is that about?
• What happens if you don’t check out your assumptions?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

“Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past.” Lily Tomlin

Forgiving is complex. Among other things, forgiveness means being able to let go of the hurt and pain from a situation that causes us much grief. Some people expect that once they apologize for something they said or did that they are forgiven. It’s not that easy.

There are many layers to forgiveness, including how egregious the act was or the words were, how deeply we feel the pain of that act or those words, the nature of the deed or words that hurt us, who asks for forgiveness and how forgiveness is requested. Sometimes when we seem to be unable to forgive, we may not be ready to let go of particularly hurtful memories and emotions about the other person or the situation. Maybe, too, we haven’t forgiven ourselves for something. These and other reasons preclude our willingness, ability and readiness to forgive. And the question often arises – do I have to forgive?

In a future blog, I’ll talk more about the perspective of the person asking for forgiveness. Today’s questions from the ConflictMastery Quest(ions) are for people who are not forgiving someone for something said or done in an interpersonal dispute. Consider a situation in which this applies to you and see if some or all of these questions are helpful.

• What happened between you and the other person?
• What specifically is it that you are not forgiving about what occurred?
• What is making it most difficult for you to forgive?
• What is the impact of not forgiving having on you?
• What is the impact on the other person?
• Forgiving may not be what you want to do. If that’s what is happening for you, why do you think you don’t want to forgive?
• How would life be different if you forgive the other person?
• What may you lose, if anything, if you forgive? What may you gain, if anything, if you do?
• What may you lose if you do not forgive? What may you gain if you do not forgive?
• What do you suppose has to happen for you to be ready to forgive the other person, if forgiving is what you want to do?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

So often we embark on a difficult communication or react to a conflict situation by trying to discuss it before the other person is ready. At times, we may not really be ready either but, we are anxious to resolve matters sooner than later, to get past the high emotions, to make amends and so on. These and other reasons compel many of us to dive in prematurely to try to talk things out. On the other hand, sometimes we tend to wait too long before we reach out and find our efforts are perceived as ‘too little too late’, despite our good intentions.

These considerations work both ways, of course, and poor timing, whether too early or too late, has an impact on how amenable the other person or we will be to having a conversation about resolving a conflict situation. In either case, contemplating how and when and whether to discuss an incident takes some reflection. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to think about one situation when you approached the other person when you realized it was too early and one when it was too late.

• When you approached the other person before they were ready, what happened?
• How did you determine the timing?
• When another person has ever approached you to discuss the conflict between you before you were ready, what did you experience?
• Generally, what are the risks for reaching out before the other person is ready?
• When you approached the other person in a situation and they said it was too late, what happened?
• How did you determine the timing here?
• If another person has approached you when it feels like it is too late after a conflict situation, how was that for you?
• What are the general risks in reaching out too late?
• What needs to be in place for you to know when you are ready to have a conflict conversation?
• What ‘best practices’ do you think may help to determine what timing works most effectively for you and the other person in your conflicts?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

“Avoidance is the best short-term strategy to escape conflict, and the best long-term strategy to ensure suffering.” Brendon Burchard

We all have ways that we manage conflict that we have learned over time. It is often the case that one of our conflict management styles seems to be dominant and reflects the default approach we take under stress if we’re not careful. Our way of engaging in interpersonal conflict* of course, depends on who the person is and what we are experiencing from the interaction with them. The timing, our mood at the time, our overall well-being, the impact of the dispute on us and other factors all enter in to determine how we interact and respond.

Avoiding conflict is one choice we have and sometimes it works as a good short-term approach. However, we avoid conflict to our detriment because avoiding conflict can leave a void of ongoing unresolved and unreconciled feelings and issues.

If we face conflict head on, the result may be a resolution of the issues, or a better understanding of what happened, or reconciliation of the relationship. However, we don’t know that at the time things begin to escalate or, if the outcome will meet our hopes and needs. The unknown can create unsettled feelings that support any tendency to avoid. Examining when and why we avoid conflict is a helpful exercise in the quest for conflict mastery. Here are this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) about this topic.

• Under what circumstances do you avoid conflict?
• What is it about these circumstances that results in your decision to avoid conflict?
• What do you gain from avoiding conflict at these times that you haven’t yet mentioned?
• What are the disadvantages for you when you avoid?
• What are the upsides for the other person when you avoid the conflict? What are the downsides for them?
• What emotions do you experience about yourself when you avoid conflict? What are you feeling about the other person at these times?
• What other approach or approaches to conflict may work more effectively for you rather than avoiding?
• In what way(s) would that work better for you?
• How would that or those ways work for the other person?
• What may concern you about taking this approach?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Is there a Culture of Avoidance?

*Violent conflict is not being considered here

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

I imagine we all do! However, we aren’t necessarily aware of how we do so until it’s too late. Though we are generally aware of the “hot buttons” for our family members and friends and those we come to know well (such as colleagues and co-workers) we sometimes don’t know the range of things that provoke them. New friends, colleagues and others start with a clean slate and we sometimes learn their “hot buttons” too late.

When we are provoked by something others say or do, or even what they don’t say or do, many of us let the person know directly. Others of us do so indirectly showing signs of being disgruntled without really saying what is happening. Similarly, when we provoke others, they let us know in their individual ways. In either case, lots of times the signs are so indirect we and others miss them altogether.

When we want to strengthen a relationship that is disrupted by a conflict and possibly, engage in productive conflict conversations, or to show up in ways that welcome and invite dialogue of differences, it helps to consider what we do that irritates others. Here are some questions in this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog that may work to heighten awareness about this topic.

• What are 2 of your ‘hot buttons’ – the actions or words that others do that commonly provoke you?
• What values or needs do you experience are being undermined when people provoke you in each of these ways?
• In what ways, that you can think of, have you irritated another person in the same or similar ways?
• What other ways do you know you seem to provoke others?
• What values and needs might they experience as being undermined at these times?
• Considering a dispute you were in recently, what specific ‘hot button’ for the other person did you push? What lead you to push that button do you think?
• What was the impact on the other person? Why do you suppose the person assumed your reasons were for what you said or did?
• What part or parts of what they may have attributed to you is correct?
• What happens to you when you become aware you irritate others?
• If you decide to make some changes in an effort to not push others’ hot buttons, how do you prefer to be and be perceived?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution