I imagine we all do! However, we aren’t necessarily aware of how we do so until it’s too late. Though we are generally aware of the “hot buttons” for our family members and friends and those we come to know well (such as colleagues and co-workers) we sometimes don’t know the range of things that provoke them. New friends, colleagues and others start with a clean slate and we sometimes learn their “hot buttons” too late.

When we are provoked by something others say or do, or even what they don’t say or do, many of us let the person know directly. Others of us do so indirectly showing signs of being disgruntled without really saying what is happening. Similarly, when we provoke others, they let us know in their individual ways. In either case, lots of times the signs are so indirect we and others miss them altogether.

When we want to strengthen a relationship that is disrupted by a conflict and possibly, engage in productive conflict conversations, or to show up in ways that welcome and invite dialogue of differences, it helps to consider what we do that irritates others. Here are some questions in this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog that may work to heighten awareness about this topic.

• What are 2 of your ‘hot buttons’ – the actions or words that others do that commonly provoke you?
• What values or needs do you experience are being undermined when people provoke you in each of these ways?
• In what ways, that you can think of, have you irritated another person in the same or similar ways?
• What other ways do you know you seem to provoke others?
• What values and needs might they experience as being undermined at these times?
• Considering a dispute you were in recently, what specific ‘hot button’ for the other person did you push? What lead you to push that button do you think?
• What was the impact on the other person? Why do you suppose the person assumed your reasons were for what you said or did?
• What part or parts of what they may have attributed to you is correct?
• What happens to you when you become aware you irritate others?
• If you decide to make some changes in an effort to not push others’ hot buttons, how do you prefer to be and be perceived?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

It is common when we are in conflict, that as our emotions escalate, many of us tend to interrupt more and listen less. We might interrupt for many reasons, including that we want to get heard; we are strongly disagreeing with what the other person is saying; we are getting more and more hurt and angry; we perceive that whatever is being said or done undermines and challenges something important for us. Other reasons may be we find it difficult to hear the truth or the falsehood of what the other person is saying, or we figure we know what the person is about to say and have limited patience or time. Further reasons for interrupting may include a need to be right that is shown by not giving the other person time and space to express their views and be heard, too. These and other reasons undoubtedly preclude de-escalation of the tempers and negative energy that are rising steadily.

Interrupting is a habit for some people who listen to talk rather than to hear. And the tendency that we may have to interrupt in any case may be accentuated during conflict.

It helps in the quest for conflict mastery to do some reflection on what is happening for you if interrupting is something you are inclined to do or react to. Here are some questions to think about from this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog.

• How might you define interrupting?
• What are two words you would use to describe the impact on you when people interrupt you?
• What is it about others interrupting you that results in the impact you described?
• Under what circumstances are you likely to interrupt the other person when you are in conflict with them?
• When you interrupt, what impact on the other person do you notice?
• How does interrupting by either of you help the conflict conversation? In what ways does it hinder it?
• When people interrupt you when you are in conflict with them, what are you aware of that you may be doing or saying at those times (that seems to result in them interrupting you)?
• What ways may you respond to the other person, when they interrupt you that may facilitate a more productive conversation?
• What needs to happen for you to refrain from interrupting?
• How may that happen?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

As you likely know, when we use the metaphor – an elephant in the room – we mean there’s an obvious problem about which everyone in the room is fully aware but no one mentions. It may be an important topic that is too uncomfortable, controversial, embarrassing, inflammatory, or dangerous for people to raise.

An elephant in the room might also represent the unspoken hurts or words. They are what is going on between disputing people that isn’t being said. They are the lingering doubts and the niggling feelings. They are the missing pieces of the puzzle. They are present without being identified.

At times, it may appear that we resolve matters without ever acknowledging elephants that remain hovering around. Without bringing them into the room though, conflict conversations are destined to have blinders on so that we don’t actually acknowledge the bigger issues underlying the tension. Inevitably though, it is commonly the case that the elephant will reappear in the next conflict, with this person or another.

When we are in conflict, we are responsible for acknowledging the elephants and identifying what they are telling us. To do so, you may find it helpful to consider how to acknowledge the elephants in your conflict conversations, with these types of self-reflective questions from this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog.

• Think of the last dispute you were engaged in when an elephant was there that wasn’t identified. What was the elephant?
• What kept you from acknowledging its presence, do you think?
• What do you suppose kept the other person(s) from identifying it?
• What fear(s) might both of you have shared?
• How would bringing the elephant into the conversation have changed things?
• How would that change in the conversation have benefited you?
• What part would have been detrimental for you? In what ways?
• How may the other person have benefitted if the elephant was identified?
• What part of that change would hurt the other person? In what ways?
• Generally, under what circumstances may it be best to identify and not identify the elephant present in the room?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

The expression thinking ‘outside of the box’ typically relates to being creative about ideas – stepping outside of enclosed lines that are limiting and constrain thinking. When the concept comes up in the conflict management context, it occurs when people in dispute are contemplating the options available to them regarding their opposing views. The ‘out of the box’ notion is meant to help disputants get away from holding their positions steadfastly so that they are instead in a mind and heart space to consider what other solutions may be mutually acceptable.

Undoubtedly, in the middle of a dispute, many of us are limited in our ability to think creatively and in new and different ways. Giving ourselves time to think out the options about what to do and how to proceed are important considerations for any type of problem-solving and decision-making. It is most likely that conflict mastery when it comes to ‘out of the box’ thinking requires calm, readiness, clear headedness and willingness to consider alternatives that are mutually satisfactory. Here are some Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) for this week’s blog to answer in your efforts to think out of the box about possible solutions to a conflict situation you are engaged in.

• Considering an interpersonal dispute in which you are embroiled, how do you describe what the issue(s) in dispute are for you?
• What is most important for you about that (those)?
• What issue(s) seems to be important for the other person? Why do you suppose that (or those) is important to them?
• If you want to resolve matters, what are the possible options for doing so that contemplate what is important to you and the other person?
• What do you guess the other person might suggest as ways to reconcile matters if things felt less fractious between you two?
• What part or parts of your ideas and their possible ideas (for optional solutions as above) would you be willing to let go of and be comfortable doing so to resolve matters?
• What common ground is there for you and the other person in this situation that is worth considering in your efforts to come up with even more possibilities for settling matters?
  What ideas might you suggest to a good friend in the same or similar situation that you haven’t considered as yet? What other ideas may that friend suggest as other solutions that are more ‘out of the box’ and that may also be mutually satisfactory?
• What might you suggest to a close friend in a similar situation about even more other possibilities?
• If you removed the barriers keeping you from thinking broader and deeper, what other options would appear?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

It’s unlikely that we think about what we look like when we are in conflict or, how our body and facial language might contribute to the dynamics! On reflection – we may be able to describe what we think our demeanour was, the look on our face, our body movements, and how we acted at these times. Thinking about all this inspired some questions for this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog. I began thinking that an interesting way of examining how we engage in conflict is to consider if we are able to ‘see’ ourselves through someone else’s eyes and what impact that may have.

The line of inquiry here works well if you think about the conflictual exchange between you and another person. After getting that interaction into your consciousness, I suggest you envision that a close and caring friend, family member, colleague or other special person observed you in that interaction. Here are some questions to facilitate the process of looking at yourself figuratively and literally.

• How did you act in that incident that you would feel embarrassed about if observed by an observer or observers whom you respect?
• How may they describe how you looked?
• What do you think the other person in your dispute experienced about how you looked or acted that was most off-putting for them?
• What might your observers be most surprised at about your facial or body language considering how they know you?
• What would the friends, etc. support and applaud about what you said or did?
• What sorts of things did they observe as possible ways you contributed to the escalation with your facial or body language or otherwise?
• What pieces of advice may they suggest as some other ways you could have been in that interaction to deescalate rather than escalate matters?
• What part of the suggestion(s) do you agree with and why? What part of the suggestion(s) does not resonate and why?
• Thinking about it now, what did you see in yourself (characteristics, attitude, body language, etc.) that is not the person you want to be when you are in conflict?
• What words better describe how you want to be and be seen in conflict?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution