When it comes to how we engage in interpersonal conflict – how we react to people who hurt us and how we defend ourselves – are like other habits that we come to repeat without thought. That is, our responses are often rote behaviours – patterns – that reflect what we have learned about how to cope with certain situations. Conflict habits have to do with, among other things, how we manage and regulate our emotions when we are provoked. Habits may show up in how we communicate, and how we defend things that are important to us. Some work for us and others do not.

Generally, we do not recognize habits as things we can change. We learned them over time and they have come to feel a part of who we are. However, we have the ability to unlearn our habits and replace them with ones that better serve us and those around us. As with other habits – we realize as such and want to change – the starting point is to acknowledge the one or ones that are counterproductive and focus on how we prefer to be. Here are some questions in this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog to help focus on habits and the related intentions when in conflict.

• What habits do you have about the ways you manage conflict that you would like to change?
• Choosing one of these, how do you describe this habit in more detail? How did you develop this habit as far as you can recall?
• How has this habit served you over time? How has it not served you?
• How do you want to be and be seen with respect to this habit that is different from how you are now?
• When you make the change, to be the way you describe, what do you hope will be different for you?
• How will the change impact other people with whom you are in conflict?
• How badly do you want to change this habit on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being ‘very much’?
• What is or are the downside(s) of making the change or changes you describe?
  What may be keeping you from beginning to make the change(s) if you want to do so? How come?
• What is one step you can take immediately to make the change you want regarding this habit?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

“For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them.” Thich Nhat Hanh

One of the things that many of us do when we are in conflict is to make assumptions about the other person and their motives. Depending on our relationship with the person, the nature of the situation, what is said or done (or not said or done), and our frame of mind and heart at that time, there are varying levels of assumptions we may make.

We may start out by giving the other person the benefit of the doubt and make excuses that demonstrate some empathy or understanding of why they are acting or being a certain way that irritates us. On the other hand, we may go directly to malevolent assumptions, depending on what they have said or done and the degree to which we are offended by them.

Reflecting on and checking out our assumptions – the perspectives and views we choose – helps us become more masterful at managing conflict. To most effectively respond to some of the queries from this week’s ConflictMastery Quest(ions) blog, it helps to consider a specific situation that is ongoing or one that has recently happened when answering these questions:

• Considering a specific situation, what did the other person say or do that you found particularly irritating?
• What are three possible reasons you might attribute to them and why they did so?
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• If you do this sort of thing yourself at times, what are your reasons? How might those reasons apply here?
• What don’t you know about the other person’s reasons for saying or doing that (those things) that provoked you in that scenario?
• If you check it out and you are right about your negative assumption(s) about the other person in this particular situation, what will that mean for you?
• If you check it out and you are not right about your negative assumption (s), what might that mean for you?
• What may surprise you about the other person’s motives that would be the best case scenario for you?
• If checking out your assumptions with the other person’s motives is a challenge for you, what is that about?
• What happens if you don’t check out your assumptions?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

“Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past.” Lily Tomlin

Forgiving is complex. Among other things, forgiveness means being able to let go of the hurt and pain from a situation that causes us much grief. Some people expect that once they apologize for something they said or did that they are forgiven. It’s not that easy.

There are many layers to forgiveness, including how egregious the act was or the words were, how deeply we feel the pain of that act or those words, the nature of the deed or words that hurt us, who asks for forgiveness and how forgiveness is requested. Sometimes when we seem to be unable to forgive, we may not be ready to let go of particularly hurtful memories and emotions about the other person or the situation. Maybe, too, we haven’t forgiven ourselves for something. These and other reasons preclude our willingness, ability and readiness to forgive. And the question often arises – do I have to forgive?

In a future blog, I’ll talk more about the perspective of the person asking for forgiveness. Today’s questions from the ConflictMastery Quest(ions) are for people who are not forgiving someone for something said or done in an interpersonal dispute. Consider a situation in which this applies to you and see if some or all of these questions are helpful.

• What happened between you and the other person?
• What specifically is it that you are not forgiving about what occurred?
• What is making it most difficult for you to forgive?
• What is the impact of not forgiving having on you?
• What is the impact on the other person?
• Forgiving may not be what you want to do. If that’s what is happening for you, why do you think you don’t want to forgive?
• How would life be different if you forgive the other person?
• What may you lose, if anything, if you forgive? What may you gain, if anything, if you do?
• What may you lose if you do not forgive? What may you gain if you do not forgive?
• What do you suppose has to happen for you to be ready to forgive the other person, if forgiving is what you want to do?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

So often we embark on a difficult communication or react to a conflict situation by trying to discuss it before the other person is ready. At times, we may not really be ready either but, we are anxious to resolve matters sooner than later, to get past the high emotions, to make amends and so on. These and other reasons compel many of us to dive in prematurely to try to talk things out. On the other hand, sometimes we tend to wait too long before we reach out and find our efforts are perceived as ‘too little too late’, despite our good intentions.

These considerations work both ways, of course, and poor timing, whether too early or too late, has an impact on how amenable the other person or we will be to having a conversation about resolving a conflict situation. In either case, contemplating how and when and whether to discuss an incident takes some reflection. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to think about one situation when you approached the other person when you realized it was too early and one when it was too late.

• When you approached the other person before they were ready, what happened?
• How did you determine the timing?
• When another person has ever approached you to discuss the conflict between you before you were ready, what did you experience?
• Generally, what are the risks for reaching out before the other person is ready?
• When you approached the other person in a situation and they said it was too late, what happened?
• How did you determine the timing here?
• If another person has approached you when it feels like it is too late after a conflict situation, how was that for you?
• What are the general risks in reaching out too late?
• What needs to be in place for you to know when you are ready to have a conflict conversation?
• What ‘best practices’ do you think may help to determine what timing works most effectively for you and the other person in your conflicts?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

“Avoidance is the best short-term strategy to escape conflict, and the best long-term strategy to ensure suffering.” Brendon Burchard

We all have ways that we manage conflict that we have learned over time. It is often the case that one of our conflict management styles seems to be dominant and reflects the default approach we take under stress if we’re not careful. Our way of engaging in interpersonal conflict* of course, depends on who the person is and what we are experiencing from the interaction with them. The timing, our mood at the time, our overall well-being, the impact of the dispute on us and other factors all enter in to determine how we interact and respond.

Avoiding conflict is one choice we have and sometimes it works as a good short-term approach. However, we avoid conflict to our detriment because avoiding conflict can leave a void of ongoing unresolved and unreconciled feelings and issues.

If we face conflict head on, the result may be a resolution of the issues, or a better understanding of what happened, or reconciliation of the relationship. However, we don’t know that at the time things begin to escalate or, if the outcome will meet our hopes and needs. The unknown can create unsettled feelings that support any tendency to avoid. Examining when and why we avoid conflict is a helpful exercise in the quest for conflict mastery. Here are this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) about this topic.

• Under what circumstances do you avoid conflict?
• What is it about these circumstances that results in your decision to avoid conflict?
• What do you gain from avoiding conflict at these times that you haven’t yet mentioned?
• What are the disadvantages for you when you avoid?
• What are the upsides for the other person when you avoid the conflict? What are the downsides for them?
• What emotions do you experience about yourself when you avoid conflict? What are you feeling about the other person at these times?
• What other approach or approaches to conflict may work more effectively for you rather than avoiding?
• In what way(s) would that work better for you?
• How would that or those ways work for the other person?
• What may concern you about taking this approach?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

Is there a Culture of Avoidance?

*Violent conflict is not being considered here

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution