I found this picture to be so poignant. It made me think of how combustible interpersonal disputes can be – literally – and how the toxicity and negativity can spread so easily. And the spread is not just to the other person in the dispute. But, it is also to anyone who might be near, who might overhear the heated exchange, who might listen reluctantly or even with interest as the people in dispute convey what happened in their perceptions, or it might be anyone else who is otherwise impacted by the dispute.

If we know or learn when and how to step away from escalating conflicts and the “fire” that goes along with them, the chances are we not only curtail the spread of the negativity and irreconcilable damage. We are also able to regain our composure so that we can address the situation with calm and dignity that escape us when we don’t step away from the flames of the dispute. This is whether or not we initiated it in the first place.

In some cases we might need to walk away altogether and not revisit or try to reconcile matters. In other cases, we walk away temporarily as we regain our equilibrium and reflect on how we want to proceed. In either case, there is power in staying in the part of our brain that removes ourselves from the burning words and the atmosphere they create to decide on what we want to do about the dispute.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an escalating conflict you are experiencing as you answer these questions and ponder the power of stepping away.

• What are the flames of the dispute all about from your perspective?
• What are the flames about, as far as you can tell, from the other person’s perspective?
• What are you experiencing right now about this dispute?
• Who else is becoming impacted by the dispute?
• What are the advantages to you of stepping away at this point in time? What are the disadvantages of stepping away?
• What sort of power are you experiencing in this dispute that you want or need to get what you are fighting for (and therefore want to fight it out rather than step away)?
• How is that power supporting and helping you make your point, win over the other person, etc.? How is the power you have not working?
• What power might you gain by stepping away temporarily?
• What might you gain by stepping away altogether on the basis that the relationship is not one you wish to continue?
• What would help you step away in either case if you think it’s the optimal option for you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

I hope you are looking ahead with hope and optimism! I realize, of course, that these sentiments aren’t and won’t be experienced by all of us – at home or globally. We have so much more work to do to make the world a better place.

As had been my tradition, I am sharing my conflict resolutions for each year. So, these are for 2023! Admittedly, many resemble those from 2022 – I’m still working on them!

1. This year I will honour, hold dear and appreciate our differences.
2. This year I will remain mindful that we all have lots of room in our hearts to love more and to love more deeply.
3. This year I will cherish my family and my friends and colleagues even more and continue to tell them how grateful I am that they are in my life.
4. This year I will listen more deeply – with even more curiosity, empathy and compassion, and with more kindness and more love.
5. This year I will approach my interpersonal conflicts with humility, thoughtfulness, patience and openness. I will learn from my mistakes.
6. This year I will be true to myself and acknowledge that others strive to be true to themselves, too.
7. This year I will not judge others – and I will be kinder to myself and others.
8. This year I will be grateful to those who teach me important lessons by, for instance, letting me know when I am not interacting with dignity and grace.
9. This year I will reach out even more to those in need.
10. This year I will do more to build peace – one person at a time.

Sending you and yours my warmest regards and may your 2023 be full of joy and peace and good health and love.

Cinnie Noble, CINERGY Coaching
www.cinergycoaching.com

When we’re in conflict with someone life can feel complicated and unrelated, troubling worries – about all sorts of things – might then pervade our thoughts and feelings. For instance, inner conflicts about decisions we have to make about our work, home-life, and relationships may become larger and out of whack as our unsettled feelings grow. We might spend a lot of time agonizing about what went wrong, what to do, or whether to do anything about the conflict. But, the remnants of that conflict that leak into other things going on in our lives also pervade and add to the angst. It seems, from my experience anyway, that I somehow build more layers of negative emotions about the other person in the conflict when I let other things in and add them to the pile. Self-limiting beliefs kick in and I tend to lose track of what’s important and what isn’t. This may happen to you too.

Also, interpersonal conflict also has a way of compounding self-doubt when fears of losing the relationship with the other person preoccupy us. When we let ourselves become vulnerable and express our needs, not knowing if they’ll be met, we face more of the unknown. And, at these times, knowing what we might let go of is illusive. That is, we might hold the pain closer without a way of knowing how to gain perspective. The complexities and layers are certainly all-consuming, unless we are willing to find a way to step back and consider what Dhiman says in this quote.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an interpersonal conflict that is complicating your life as you answer the following questions.

• What’s the interpersonal conflict about?
• What feels most complicated about it? Why do you suppose that is?
• What is most important to you about this situation?
• How do you want things to be with the other person?
• What (else) is getting in the way of that happening – such as in your professional and/or personal life?
• What emotions are you experiencing with all this?
• What is one of the things about this conflict you feel you cannot let go of?
• What makes that hard to let go of?
• What part of the conflict will you let go of because it isn’t really that important in the scheme of things? What part of other things happening in your life, that are unsettling, may you let go of because you know you are making it/them bigger than it needs to be (if applicable)?
• What are the best ways of simplifying what happened in this conflict so that you are able to move on and let go of?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

“Grudges seldom hurt anyone except the one bearing them.” Sherrilyn Kenyon

One of the things that happens after interpersonal conflict is that some of us bear a grudge. We continue to hold onto negative feelings about the other person and may do so for a protracted period of time. We may show this by ignoring the person, or making derogatory remarks about them directly or indirectly to others. Or, we may retaliate in different ways. Carrying around grudges may be a way of coping, but we usually recognize at some point in time that they are heavy weights on us and carrying them contributes to ongoing dissension.

Some of us have a proclivity for bearing grudges as a way of handling conflict and it may reflect a general lack of resilience, inability to let go, a type of defense mechanism, a need for control, an inability to regulate emotions and other reasons. In any case, carrying around heavy feelings about the other person not only has a huge impact on us. It is a lousy feeling to experience lingering negative feelings and thoughts, when we are the recipient of someone else’s grudge against us. Considering this means a lot to preserving the ongoing relationship, if that is of importance to us.

Considering these ideas, here are some Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) from this week’s blog that may be helpful in exploring grudges if you are carrying some around about another person and the interpersonal conflict you have had.

• Under what circumstances do you tend to carry grudges as far as you can tell?
• What is it about those particular situations and/or people that result in doing so, do you think?
• What are the sorts of feelings you have about the other person when you are bearing a grudge?
• Considering one of the situations about which you are carrying (or did carry) a grudge, to what are (or were) you specifically reacting that the other person did or said or didn’t do or say?
• What did you perceive the person was challenging or undermining about you, if that was (part of) the reason for your reaction?
• In what ways do you demonstrate you are carrying a grudge?
• How do you think that is experienced by the other person (your answer to the above question)?
• How does it feel for you to carry a grudge?
• What do you gain from carrying grudges? What do you lose by doing so?
• What do you think it would take to let go of a grudge if you wanted to?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution

Even though we know that name-calling is infantile, sometimes in the heat of anger, we realize we have resorted to blaming the other person with names that hurt. Or, the other person is verbally attacking us with hurtful and demeaning names. Unfortunately, the sentiments experienced in these words often echo long after the disagreement is over and may even get dragged into subsequent conversations.

Name-calling is an impulsive habit for responding to something another person says or does that offends us. Or, some use it as a tool purposefully to put the other person down, insult and hurt them. From the point of view of conflict mastery, it is worth exploring the feeling and words behind name-calling and the moments that incite them. Won’t you consider the following questions in this regard from this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog if you chose name-calling in an interpersonal dispute?

• If you name-call at times, what name(s) did you use in the last conflict when you did so?
• Why did you choose those particular names or that name?
• What were you hoping to achieve with calling the other person that name or those names?
• What did you need, expect or hope for from that person that there weren’t delivering (if you didn’t refer to one or more of these above)?
• What do you suppose motivated you to name-call at that time, rather than responding differently?
• What emotions were you experiencing?
• What was the observable impact on the other person when you called the name(s) you referred to?
• How did name-calling work for you? How did it work against you?
• If other people have called you names, how have you responded?
• Consider one of those situations (if someone called you a name or names). What could they have said or done in that situation, that would have kept the conflict from escalating?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

#interpersonalconflict
#conflict
#coaching
#conflictcoaching
#conflictmanagementcoaching
#conflictmanagement
#disputeresolution