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Doing something about your conflict

Posted on June 25, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

Several years ago I began asking friends, family members, colleagues and clients what stops them from trying different things to be able to improve how they manage conflict. Of course, their answers varied.

While situations and those involved elicit different reactions, the people I questioned typically recounted a number of things they would have done differently. Others were unable to contemplate what would have made things better. Some people said they were not sure whether they really wanted to.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog asks one question, “What keeps you from doing something else in that conflict that may improve matters?” I then suggest a series of possible answers based on my mini-research. Just circle your answer – yes, no, or maybe. Then there are a few more questions on whether your answers yielded any new insights.

To do this exercise, please think about one of your conflicts that will just not go away. It is about a person and/or typical situation that brings out parts of you that you do not like, or triggers reactions and regret or other negative feelings.

Please circle your answer – yes (Y), no (N), or maybe (M) to the following:

What keeps you from doing something else in that conflict that may improve matters?  
I don’t believe things will get better no matter what I do or say. Y N M
S/he will never change. Y N M
S/he is not worth the effort. Y N M
It’s too frustrating. Y N M
Apathy Y N M
I worry things will fall apart again, even if they improve for a while. Y N M
Why is it me trying to make things better and not him/her? Y N M
If it doesn’t work, it will have been a waste of time and energy. Y N M
I want him/her to do something first. Y N M
I’m fearful whatever I say/do will not work. Y N M
It is likely that my brain is hard wired to keep this interaction and the related thinking where it is. Y N M
I don’t really care. Y N M
S/he reminds me too much of my mother (father, sibling, ex-spouse, etc.) Y N M
I need control and the other person does too and neither of us will make the other one right – even a little. Y N M
There is just no incentive. Y N M
I must be getting something from this. Y N M
It goes back too far. Y N M
It goes too deep. Y N M
It’s just one person and I have a good relationship with most people. Y N M
There’s nothing to be gained. Y N M

 
Here are a few more ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions):

Now that you have done this questionnaire, consider your Yes’s, No’s, and Maybe’s. What do your answers open up for you, if anything, that increase your awareness:

About you?

About the other person?

About the situation?

What patterns do you think you have about conflict that the questionnaire speaks to?

Posted in Reactions | 1 Comment

Telling Tales Out of School

Posted on June 18, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

I don’t recall the first time I heard the expression “telling tales out of school”. When I searched for the meaning of this expression, I discovered this specific statement is the oldest of three expressions of the same ilk (“talking out of school” and “speaking out of school”). The same source says, “The usual meaning is, don’t gossip indiscreetly or reveal private matters, secrets or confidences”, which is likely consistent with how many of us interpret this expression.

Within the context of interpersonal conflict, conveying things that are not ours to share can easily result in discord. For instance, when the person who initially shared the information in confidence finds out it was told to someone. Or, the person who is told the information reacts to hearing things she or he ought to have known. Or, reacts to us for being the bearer of the information. On the other hand, there are times when disclosing secrets may be considered necessary, even if doing so leads to conflict.

Today’s blog invites those who tend to share confidences to consider how the possible outcomes can lead to conflict, even when sharing them may be considered a good idea.

  • Considering one tale you told out of school, what was it?
  • For what reasons did you share it?
  • What was the impact on the person you told? 
  • What conflict resulted, if any? With whom?
  • If you had not shared what you were told, what difference would that have made to you?
  • If you had not shared it, what difference would that have made to the person who conveyed it to you?
  • If you had not shared it, what difference would that make to the person you told? Others?
  • Generally-speaking, under what circumstances do you think “telling tales out of school” can lead to conflict?
  • Under what circumstances is it a good idea to share confidences?
  • When you feel compelled to share a tale at a future time, what will you consider that you may not have considered this time?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Impact, Metaphors | 4 Comments

Pick Your Battles

Posted on June 11, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

You have likely heard the expression “pick your battles” and know the gist of its meaning. I have said this at times to friends and colleagues who find themselves in a number of disagreements about a number of matters – each appear to have different intensities and weights of importance to them.

Out of curiosity I looked up the meaning. According to this source, “pick your battles” is likely based on a military strategy. That is, “The best way [to achieve success on the war front] would be to mobilize the forces at a strategic point to then move on to deal with the next issue”. Generally, the phrase “pick your battles” is considered a phrase of wisdom, described as follows:

“Pick Your Battles implies that one should know when to fight for a cause and when to let go and accept the situation. The simple reason is that, fighting for ever sundry cause may label one as a rebel and accepting every thing as it is may seem submissive. So knowing to Pick Your Battles is the key. Some may choose to pick battles that deal with issues of injustice. Others may pick battles when they are sure that they’re on the correct side of law. Many may not like to pick battles in which they have very slim chances of winning. One way to Pick Your Battles is to decide if the issue is worth the battle.”

The ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) today are for those of you who experience a lot of disputes and wonder about which one(s) to take on and which one(s) to let go of.

  • What sorts of ‘battles’ do you experience on a regular basis?
  • What makes them ‘battles’?
  • How do you describe the impact on you of engaging in a number of ‘battles’ at a time?
  • Which one(s) are especially compelling for you?
  • What is it about that one (those) that makes them especially compelling?
  • Which one(s) are not really worth your time and energy?
  • Why is that the case for that one (those)?
  • If you let go of some, what would you gain?
  • If you let go of some, what would you lose?
  • What criteria could you use to determine which ‘battles’ are worth fighting for and which are not?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Choice in Conflict, Metaphors | 2 Comments

Throwing Dirt

Posted on June 4, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

When in conflict we commonly turn our negative energy on the other person in various ways. Examples may be by gossiping about her or him, blaming, name-calling, and generally saying counterproductive and mean-spirited things to and about her or him. The irony of the expression, “When you throw dirt, you lose ground” (credited as a Texan proverb) is not lost on those of us aiming to become more conflict masterful.

Throwing dirt of the nature described above, even if it feels good in the moment, can easily backfire in unanticipated ways. For instance, people who we complain to may not provide support and find our own actions in the dispute or the fact that we are bad-mouthing the other person to be unacceptable. They may lose respect for us, consider us petty, and voice their objections. Some of these reactions may lead to conflict between us too.

Another way that throwing dirt backfires is the fact that there is nothing to be gained by those behaviours. At least, there is nothing I know of that leads to a favorable result – if that is what is intended. Examples may be that the other person no longer engages with us or reacts in a way that is any more productive than our actions and words are. In the end, ground is lost in these ways and more.

If you tend to throw dirt, this week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) will be relevant to you:

  • Considering a specific conflict incident, what did you say or do that constituted throwing dirt?
  • For what reasons did you throw dirt?
  • What emotions motivated you to do so?
  • How did you lose ground in the conflict by doing so?
  • How else did doing so backfire in that situation that you didn’t answer in the previous question?
  • In what ways did you gain ground?
  • What would you say is the opposite of throwing dirt?
  • Instead of throwing dirt, what could you have done that may have yielded an outcome you prefer in that situation?
  • What do you want the ground to be and feel like when you are in a conflict?
  • What would it take for you to make the ground be and feel like that (answer to the previous point)?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Attributions, Blame, Metaphors, Name-Calling, Reactions | Leave a comment

“That’s Not Fair”

Posted on May 28, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

One of the common statements that occurs in conflict is, “that’s not fair”. It may be a response to an action that is seen – according to our sensibilities, values, and beliefs – as wrong. It may be an emotional reaction to a decision or position someone is taking on a matter with which we disagree. It may be due to a rule, policy, or procedure that we experience as oppressive, threatening, or undermining. It may be a perception that another person is being arbitrary, unthinking, obstinate, etc. It may be that someone gets or achieves something we want or believe we are entitled to have.

Fairness, like other values we develop, is a subjective experience derived from our personal conditioning, culture, and other contextual influences. As with many other values, there does not appear to be a spectrum or degrees of fairness. Rather, it seems things are perceived as either fair or unfair. I find both the interpretation of what constitutes fairness and this polarization is what often leads to conflict.

This week’s blog poses questions about the notion of fairness that may help readers deconstruct the nature of this concept and how it has an impact when it emerges for you in a conflict.

  • Generally, what is your definition of fairness?
  • How do you define unfairness – that may give even more meaning to your definition of fairness?
  • Consider a situation in which someone did or said something you consider unfair, what was that and what made it unfair for you?
  • In what ways was what she or he said or did contrary to your expectation of her or him?
  • From what you can tell or know, what was fair regarding the action or words from her or his perspective?
  • On a scale of 1-5, 5 being extremely unfair and 1 being very fair, what rating do you give the level of fairness of the other person’s action in that incident?
  • How may you have contributed to the conflict?
  • What did you say or do that she or he may have considered unfair?
  • How may she or he have changed what was said or done for you to have experienced it as being fairer?
  • What may you have done differently?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Attributions, Conflict Perceptions, Reactions | 2 Comments