In a wonderful book entitled The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy, there are many quotes in it that touch me. One of them shows a boy on a horse and he clearly looks beleaguered. He says “This storm is making me tired”, to which the horse replies “Storms get tired too. So, hold on”. And this week’s Conflict Master Quest(ions) blog considers the storms we experience when we are in conflict and what that feels like.

It’s an understatement to say our reactions to being in conflict are variable. The impact on us and how we respond may depend on the person with whom we are in dispute, what we are arguing about, how deeply hurt we feel, the range of other impacts we are experiencing, what values we perceive are being undermined, threatened or challenged , how often the same issues arise, and so on. And we are all very different in how we respond. Whatever we are experiencing – thinking and feeling- we are in a storm of sorts though and the impact has us whirling, scared, hyper-vigilant, and full of many other reactions including fatigue. The horse in the quote above is right – the storm gets tired too and that is an important metaphor to consider when it comes to heightened emotions and an escalation on a conflict we are in.

The degree to which we are reacting, the depth of our emotions, the intensity of the situation and dissension wanes over time and it is likely that when that happens we are in a better frame of mind and heart to be able to use calm instead of high emotions to see if things can be reconciled. This set of questions invites you to examine a storm you are in with another person.

• How might you describe the storm between you and the other person?
• What is whirling around you in this storm?
• How would you describe the feelings you are experiencing in the storm?
• What frightens you most?
• When the storm settles how do you want things to be?
• What will that feel like for you (your answer to the above question)?
• How might the other person describe the storm around them? What do you think might be whirling around them? What feelings might they be experiencing?
• On what may the two of you agree on?
• What do you think it would take for the storm to end between you too?
• How might you contribute to ending the storm? What contribution might you ask of the other person to help end the storm?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

In the midst of interpersonal conflict, it’s difficult to be kind to the other person – no matter how kind a person we may usually be. It is also difficult to be kind to ourselves. It’s understandable that when our equilibrium is off due to tension and the inability to get out of hurt, blame and defensiveness, that calling on our kindness is not a way of being that we can imagine, much less achieve.

In order to engage at these times, to effectively contribute to resolution, to move on, to retain our dignity, to be able to acknowledge our contribution to the tension, to apologize, to forgive, and to reduce the negativity, it helps to take a close look at kindness as a measurement of conflict mastery.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog suggests that there are ways to bring on our kind selves and hold onto that when we are offended. It’s not easy. Here are some reflective questions that might facilitate kindness when in conflict:

• When you are kind, in the usual course of life, what does kindness look like? What does it feel like?
• How do you think you are perceived by those on the receiving end of your kindness?
• When you are not at your kindest how do you interact?
• How are you perceived at these times (in response to the previous question)?
• What conflict situation comes to mind in which you know you were kind and perceived as such?
• What made kindness an easy and natural way for you to relate in that situation?
• Considering a dispute in which you were not kind to the other person, what was the main characteristic that came out that you are not proud of? In what way were you not kind to yourself in that situation?
• What stopped your kind self from interacting?
• If you were to have brought kindness to that dispute, what impact might this have had on the other person? What impact might your kindness have had on the conflict?
• What impact might your kindness have had on you?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(Popular- from the archives)

Two things that come to mind that many of us have challenges with when someone provokes us, are how to pause and to reflect when emotions are bubbling up inside us and we cannot really think straight – if at all. More often than not we react and regret. Something the other person says or does – or doesn’t say or do – sets us off and we spiral downwards. At these times – at some level of our consciousness – we perceive the other person is undermining us, challenging us, questioning us, even threatening us! Something we needed or expected from them is not forthcoming. Something feels unstable within us and around us. Something we trusted – about the other person or ourselves – feels elusive. Something scares us and knocks us off our equilibrium.  Many emotions take over – anger, disappointment, hurt, sadness, betrayal, shock, frustration, fear and so on.

Since we become upset and unsettled when conflicts occur, it is difficult at these times to PAUSE and find a way to get some distance – physical or emotional or otherwise. This also means we are unable to shift to the executive functions of our brains to REFLECT and contemplate the dynamic of what went on. At these times, we are overwhelmed with emotion and unable to think clearly and consider the places we go to in our minds and hearts with any objectivity. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an interpersonal dispute that has set you off and provides an opportunity to pause and reflect and see how that supports you as you figure things out.

• What’s happened between you and the other person that set you off?
• What specifically did the person say or do at that time?
• What had you expected from or hoped for that the other person didn’t deliver on?
• What is it about that (your answer to the previous question) you found most distressing?
• How did (do) you interpret the other person’s actions or words i.e. what do you think they intended?
• What did you say or do in reaction that contributed to the negative dynamic that evolved?
• What might they have expected from you or hoped for instead?
• What about your answer the previous question makes sense?  What doesn’t make sense to you?
• If you gave the other person the benefit of the doubt (that is, they didn’t intend to offend you) what else occurs to you to describe the negative dynamic that evolved?
• If the other person intended to offend you, in your estimation, how might you proceed in a way that will not give you sleepless nights?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?

Interpersonal conflict is often deflating. Our egos, self-esteem, confidence, mood and other parts of us can all be negatively influenced when we are in dispute. Who the other person is, the subject matter, what she or he said or didn’t say (or did or didn’t do), and the attitude and facial or body language we observed – any number of these and other things could provoke us. I think I can safely say though, most of us experience moments like this when we are feeling deflated after a conflict.

What I notice from many of my conflict management coaching clients when conflicts negatively effect and linger for them is the tendency to be hard on themselves and go to places that reflect old habits. These include engaging in self-blame or blaming the other person, withdrawing, using silences, and reacting in other ways that demonstrate their default system.

If you have a tendency to go to a default (an old conflict habit that isn’t good for you) – even when you try not to – you might find this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog of relevance.

• When you are not being good to yourself, after or during a conflict, and go instead to a negative place, what do you tend to think about yourself at these times?
• What feelings usually accompany the thoughts you refer to in the previous question?
• In what other ways is the place you go to hard on you?
• When you think about it, what makes this a place you gravitate to during or after a dispute?
• When do you not go to that negative place during or after conflict?
• What makes the difference?
• What thoughts may you draw on to replace your negative ones, rather than go to your default place?
• If you were to be good to yourself during a conflict, what would you do differently? What different feeling would accompany that shift?
• If you were to be good to yourself after a conflict, what would you do differently? What different feeling would accompany that shift?
• What will it take for you to orchestrate the shifts so that you will be better to yourself during a conflict? What will it take for you to orchestrate the shifts so that you will be better to yourself after a conflict?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have?

(Popular- from the archives)

When we are provoked by something someone says or does there is a moment of choice when we could mess things up or we could save them from messing up!

How to respond – rather than react – at these times is a choice, though it doesn’t necessarily feel like that. Our gut instincts, our heart and emotions, our mind, our bodies, our faces get engaged in some way or another and our sense of reason gets lost as we express our reaction in any number of ways.  Essentially, when we become embroiled in the emotional reaction we are experiencing and our sense of reason is compromised we do not typically consider we have a choice but to react spontaneously – often to our detriment – but, not always.

Let’s consider the good, the bad and the ugly of reacting quickly. The good thing is, our strong and first reactions may be the most honest ones.  They might best reflect the degree of hurt we are experiencing about the other’s offensive behaviour.  It might say – literally – what needs to get said that we have till now hesitated to express. These and other reasons support reacting with whatever comes to us!

And then there are those not so good reasons to react in the moment we are offended. One of the reasons is we may have misinterpreted what was said. We may not hear through what is happening for the other person that is important to them. We may not hear something that would be good for us and the relationship. We may cause the other person extreme hurt – with a quick unthoughtout reaction – and cause prolonged dissension.

Then, to name a few uglies – we might have missed the point and escalate a dynamic to ridiculous heights. We may be reacting to historical provocations that are unrelated to the dynamic between us and the other person. Another possibility is we might act and speak in such a strong and destructive way that the relationship ends altogether. We may agonize for a long period afterwards and experience ongoing and unreconcilable shame and self-blame and regret.

This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider the choices you had about an interpersonal dispute in which you reacted quickly (this is a dispute  you already experienced and are revisiting to consider the good and the bad and the ugly of it) .

• What was that dispute about?
• To what did you strongly react?
• How would you describe your reaction?
• What do you consider good about your reaction at the time?
• What do you consider bad about your reaction?
• What was ugly about your reaction?
• At what point did you have a choice in how to react?
• What reasons do you suppose you chose that reaction at the time?
• If you think you didn’t have a choice why would that be the case?
• If you had to do it over again- knowing what you know now – what other choices regarding your responses might have served you and the relationship better?
• What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?