COURAGE IS FEAR IGNORED
I don’t recall the name of the book in which I read this quote but, it struck me as a poignant one and has stayed with me.
Though not always recognized as such, we need courage for many things we encounter in our day to day lives that make us afraid. And I find that when it comes to interpersonal conflict fears preclude speaking our truth and, among other things, they get in the way of strengthening our relationships, our confidence and even our self-worth. In keeping with the title of this blog then, ignoring our fears (though admittedly hard to do!) makes space for us to rely on our bravery to make important choices and to take action that serve us better.
What fears might you experience when it comes to your relational disputes? I have had fears of being hurt or abandoned when I’m in conflict with others, of being shamed, and of losing face. I’ve also experienced fears about feeling guilty, and about the possibility of unresolved or irreconcilable issues resulting from the conflict. Similarly, fears of possible irreparable damage or awful confrontation preclude speaking up. I’ve had fears too, that I won’t walk away (even when that’s actually the optimum outcome). These are just some of the many fears I can recall about my own relational disputes and I’ve heard these sorts of fears and others from my coaching clients, too.
Identifying our fears ends up being an important exercise because it helps us process what’s keeping us from drawing on our courage to speak up and out. Once we bring our fears about any given conflict to our conscious awareness we can then consider their reality and ways to work ignore them so they won’t stop us from being true to ourselves.
For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog I suggest you bring to mind an interpersonal conflict about which you fear what to say or do, or whether to say or do anything.
- What’s the situation?
- How would you describe the fears you are experiencing about this?
- What’s the worse case scenario you are imagining?
- What could the worse case scenario be like for you? In what ways is this possibility realistic? Not realistic?
- What possible good (best case scenario) might come out of this dispute?
- How would you describe what courage looks like – to be able to ignore the fears you expressed and address this conflict the way you want (and aim for the best case scenario – your answer to the above question)?
- What more specifically do you need, do you think, to overcome your fears in the situation you are discussing here (including if it means walking away)?
- What would it feel like for you to use your courage to handle this conflict the way you want?
- If you don’t handle the conflict the way you really want what difference will that make for you, if any?
- When you feel bravest about anything you face that is difficult, what do you think helps you most to engage your ability to act with courage that you want to remember and routinely call on going forward?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?
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