“NEVER TAKE SIDES IN A CONFLICT YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT”

It is often the case that we get wound up in someone else’s interpersonal disputes. We may start off as a sounding board, and it feels like a role that might also help the person vent and ultimately better manage the situation. We might think we can help them if we take their side. We might think we can help them if we tell them what we glean as the other person’s side. We might see ourselves as objective and able to strategize or give an opinion on how to best proceed. We might personalize the situation and dynamic based on our own experience and become entangled in the situation- even if it’s at arm’s length.

By intervening in many of these ways, we will essentially be and be seen as taking sides with one or the other person. And any of these efforts – no matter how well-meaning  – have the potential for leading the person (who is sharing their dilemma with us) down a path and in a way that doesn’t serve them, or us, well!

The reality is we don’t really know the whole story, at these times. What is more, if we take as absolute what the person is sharing that lays the blame on the other person, we are not considering their contribution. That is, we don’t necessarily hear about their responsibility in the conflict dynamic. We don’t know if they are being honest. We don’t know the other person’s experience of the interchange between them. By taking sides then – one way or the other – we do so with limited facts.

Considering the title here and a time you directly or indirectly became involved in someone else’s dispute – as a listener – I suggest you bring that situation to mind as you answer the following questions:

• What is the person’s side of the story (the person telling you about the situation)?
• What of this person’s version do you know is factual?
• What are you gleaning that may not be true that they are conveying to you, if anything (i.e. something they might seem reluctant to express, something that sounds ‘off’ etc.)?
• What do you know about the other person’s version of what happened, if anything?
• What don’t you know about the full dynamic about which you are curious?
• In what ways are you taking sides with the person sharing their version with you? How is that helping them? How is it not helping them?
• What don’t you like about taking their side?
• In what ways are you taking sides with the other person?
• What are the risks of taking the side of the other person?
• What’s the best advice you might give yourself now that you have answered the above questions?
•  What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
• What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?