SOME STORMS ARE MEANT TO CLEAR THE WAY
“Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear your path.” Paul Coelho
This is one of my favourite conflict quotes. One of the reasons is that I have found the message to be true in more than one interpersonal conflict I have faced, and in those of my coaching clients trying to find their way through the morass of conflict.
I recall a situation with a friend I trusted and cared about deeply. I felt a kinship that was matched by few others in my life till then. I was grateful for how easy it was to be together, to talk endlessly, to share, to weep, to laugh, to just be. It was therefore a shock for me when this trusted friend blamed me for things I could not grasp or understand as they sounded so unlike who I am (or at least think I am). There was no warning that things were amiss – and then, no explanation that would give me an idea of what it was I did or said that lead to conclusions that made no sense to me.
When I attempted to get some answers I ended up being ‘ghosted’ and somehow I became the brunt of their anger. I did a lot of self-searching and all I seemed to have been able to come up in my state of mind was self-blame. Lack of information and the opportunity to talk things through and better understand what happened precluded the clarity I needed to reconcile what occurred- even if there was no hope of mending things. It took a while for me to face, sadly, that I had misperceived and misjudged this person I called friend and the connection I thought we had. That alone upset me as I am usually fairly perceptive.
In the end, after agonizing over losing someone I thought was a dear friend and feeling betrayed, the path cleared and I faced the fact that I will not always get the answers I need and want, that some people are not what they appear or pretend to be, that self-blame is a waste of time, that it is important to have conversations with those close to me about our respective needs and expectations, that what we need and want may not be compatible with someone else’s. It was a hard path and the lessons learned did not come easily, and the storm ultimately cleared the way.
Now it’s your turn. When you think of an outcome of a dispute with someone close that, in the end, cleared your path consider the following questions in this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions). I found them helpful in my own experience and hope they may be helpful for you, too:
- What was the storm that happened between you and a person you cared about that ended up in a schism between you?
- How would you describe the path the two of you were on in your relationship before that occurred?
- What did that person say or do that changed- for you – the way you though you two were connected?
- What is most hurtful for you now that you reflect back on this situation?
- How did the storm between you disrupt your life?
- In what sorts of self-blame did you engage?
- If you had the opportunity to speak to the other person again what might you say?
- What might you say or do differently if faced with the same set of facts or similar ones in the future (with someone else)?
- What lessons have you learned that you will carry forward?
- In what ways has the path forward been cleared for you as a consequence of that dispute?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?
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