YOU DID YOUR BEST- OR DID YOU?
“Whatever it is. Forgive Yourself. You did your best. Let it go.” Will Bowen
I must admit – when I first read this quote, I thought about a dispute I had with a friend and said to myself –“Yes, I did my best”. But on second thought, as I replayed over and over the conflictual conversation, I agonized a long time about what I should have said differently, about what they said that hurt me, about how a friendship I believed in as solid could have been on such wobbly ground. I engaged in endless pondering about the person’s meanness (not a trait I would have attributed to them before that), what I missed or misjudged about our relationship and the ways I contributed to the dynamic that led to the sad result- the end of the relationship.
It wouldn’t be the first time that I found myself in a situation in which I had trouble reconciling a dispute that occurred between another person and me. In other cases, too, dear friends supported me and (as I hoped, of course) by doubting the other person’s integrity, compassion, honesty etc. Many would make comments to the effect “I’m sure you did the best you could do (or knew how) at the time.” I came to believe that was the case and it was comforting to think this way. However, in retrospect I have come to question what my best self could have done differently in situations in which I continue to question what occurred – wondering too, why the other person chose to act as they did, etc.. When I think about the specific situation I mentioned above now, I realize I have forgiven myself. Though, in the end, I didn’t do or say what would have been best for me to truly let it go much earlier. I wonder if this sort of thing has happened to you, too?
This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider an interaction where there is a dichotomy between forgiving yourself and believing you did your best.
- What was the situation? What did you say or do that you regret?
- If you have forgiven yourself for something you said or did in this conflict that was hurtful or otherwise caused the other person pain, how did you get to that point?
- If you have not forgiven yourself, how come?
- If you could say you have now let go of the conflict now- what did you let go of?
- If you haven’t let go, what are you holding onto?
- What would the best you have done differently, if there was something else you wished you had done or said that reflects the best version of yourself?
- If you have forgiven yourself but not let go, why is that do you think?
- If you have let go but not forgiven yourself, why is that so do you think?
- If you think both forgiving yourself and letting go is important to be able to move on, how might you rectify the part that remains undone?
- If you think both forgiving yourself and letting go is not necessary in this particular dispute or other disputes what is that about for you?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?
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