WHAT’S WITHIN OUR CONTROL – WHEN IT COMES TO CONFLICT?
We know we cannot control what comes out of other peoples’ mouths, how they act and what they do. However, in the aftermath, to focus on understanding what upset us. Doing so gives us important insights and information to convey to the other person in anticipation they will hear us and not repeat the same behaviour. And the exercise of paying attention to what triggers our strong reactions also helps prepare us to respond more effectively when we encounter the same or similar behaviours.
To focus your energy and also, process the incident then, consider starting a sentence with “I wish you hadn’t (wouldn’t)….” and fill in the blank with as many words as you want to express what it is that offended (hurt, disappointed etc.) you. The things we identify this way signify what’s important to us in our lives, our relationships, what we value, what we need from others and what threatens the safety of our relationships. Acknowledging those important values and needs etc. helps strengthen our conflict mastery skills, too.
Again, though we cannot control what another person says or does, we can decide whether it is the sort of behaviour we are willing to accept or not and if so, what needs to be in place to foster a healthy relationship. This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you then, to consider your limits of tolerance and acceptance – and what you can and cannot control. To do so it is suggested that you consider a specific situation that pushed your limits of acceptability.
- What happened?
- What specifically did the other person say or do that pushed your limit of tolerance?
- Which of your values or needs were undermined by the other person with those words or actions (your answer(s) to the above question)?
- How did you react internally? How did you respond outwardly?
- What did you hope that the other person would have done or said instead?
- What difference might that have made if they had done so ( your answer to the previous question)?
- What, if anything, might have been controllable (by you) about how this person interacted?
- How would you have asserted some controls (your answer to the previous questions)?
- What else do you wish you had said or done differently?
- What might the other person have wished you had said or done?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?
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