HAVING OBSERVATIONS RATHER THAN DEEPLY ENGRAINED OPINIONS
“Get comfortable with simply having observations instead of deeply engrained opinions.”
I don’t know whose quote this is, but it had a big impact on me when I first read it. It can apply to many types of situations! And I was particularly struck by the application to interpersonal disputes and how to foster ways of getting comfortable with only having observations. I’d venture a guess many of us let opinions dominate our (my) reactions and so does the other person contributing to an untenable dynamic!
At some level of consciousness, considering my long career in the conflict management field as a mediator and coach, I believe I have tried to engage more effectively in conflict. I know I have worked at refraining from jumping to making conclusions about people who trigger off strong reactions in me with how they act and what they say that hurts me. What I am still working on is the art of standing back in my heart and mind to be able to simply observe and ask questions rather than making assumptions and applying deeply held opinions!
I don’t think this is the easiest exercise given that we develop habits over time about many things in life, including how we react to others whose actions and words upset us. We don’t always think of our thought process including our assumptions as habitual ways of responding. But, I believe they are. And changing the embedded pattern we have created for ourselves – which also includes shifting the automatic places we go to in our hearts and minds about others’ motivations – takes some time. This certainly does require observing people more. And it includes observing ourselves more, too.
This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) exercise then, suggests you choose an interpersonal dispute you are or were involved in as you answer the following series of questions. They might help you consider your habits when it comes to interpersonal conflicts.
- What is/was the conflict about?
- What specifically did the other person say or do that triggered a bad reaction in you?
- How might you describe your reaction?
- What reasons came to you about why the other person said or did the things that bothered you most?
- Which of those reasons do you know are the case, for sure? Which might not be for sure?
- If you were watching this interaction and were not directly involved in it (those same things were said or done to someone else) what might you observe from that vantage point?
- What might you hear as you stand back from the conflict?
- If the person who said or did the things that upset you is a favourite person in your life, how might that change what you observed?
- What are the characteristics and habits you would like to have when it comes to how you manage conflict that you don’t have yet (what sort of mind set? heart set? disposition? other?)
- If you had those characteristics, what do you think would be different about the interaction you started with in this set of questions?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?
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