APOLOGY ACCEPTED, ACCESS DENIED
“You can forgive some people without welcoming them back into your life. Apology accepted, access denied.” Unknown
This quote really hit me when I saw it. It had me thinking about the range of responses my conflict management coaching clients express on their journeys to reconcile their interpersonal disputes. And I have been there, too. It’s those mixed feelings about wanting to get over the dissension and hard feelings about someone with whom we have had a conflict. It’s about how to get on with life without the negative aftermath that sometimes comes when we wonder about the relationship and whether we really want to continue it because of what was said or done. Or, we ponder what we want to say that hasn’t been expressed and whether to proceed to do so. We may be consumed with these and other thoughts and feelings that leaves us feeling that the conflict remains unfinished and we don’t know whether or how to forgive.
The fact is, there is no rule that says we must forgive. Some things are simply unforgivable. There is no rule either that we must maintain the relationship when what we liked about the person and the relationship now feels devoid of that, when our attachment to the person is fraying or torn apart, when we experienced something about the other person that surprised and hurt us, when our hearts are heavy with hurt, and the weight of it drags us down.
While, in many cases, we might feel we want to continue the relationship after a disagreement appears to be resolved – especially with long term relationships. I wonder if, in some cases, that’s one of those ‘shoulds’ that sounds like the ‘right’ thing to do but is fraught with problems. Maybe, we need to think twice about whether all relationships need to continue when the hurt is deep, when the challenge to our values is egregious, when we cannot honestly look past the words or actions that affected us so deeply that we continue to ask ourselves the question – do I want to still have this person in my life?
This week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider the following series of questions to take a deeper look at an interpersonal dispute that continues to bother you and you are wondering – “I’ll accept their apology, but I no longer want them in my life.”
- What was the dispute about?
- What did the other person say or do that you are now wondering whether you want to continue the relationship?
- What was it about the person’s statement or action that remains especially hard for you to accept (or understand, tolerate etc.)?
- What was most unforgivable of all things you just expressed in response to the previous question?
- How did you react at the time of the dispute?
- How might you describe your feelings now about what occurred?
- What could the person say or do that you would accept as an apology, if anything?
- If you think that you can accept the apology but no longer want the relationship, how does that feel for you to consider that option?
- What will you gain if “access is denied” (as per the quote above)?
- What might you think you would lose if “access is denied”?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?
Join Us
