“I WISH I HAD HANDLED THAT DISPUTE BETTER – THAT ONE 5 YEARS AGO!”
It is common that I hear conflict management coaching clients lament about things they wished they had said or done differently regarding an interpersonal conflict that happened months and even years before they retain me.
The ongoing agonizing takes many forms. Many continue to replay – over and over in their minds – not only what they said or wish they had said. It is also common that they replay what the other person said or did that offended them. Some wish they had defended their views more effectively. Some wish they had broken ties then rather than trying to maintain a relationship that no longer feels right for them. Many feel the lack of resilience wears on them and their well-being, and use words to describe their feelings like unresolved, unheard, undone.
Clients typically retain me with hopes they can sort out their lingering and even debilitating emotions about the things that remain unreconciled about their interpersonal disputes. Some want coaching to gain confidence to be able to go back to the other person to express the unsaid; some want to make amends; some want to review what happened and consider what to do going forward. Most want to gain a greater sense of resolve – internally and/or externally – in whatever form that takes.
This week’s Conflict Master Quest(ions) blog invites you to consider the following questions about an interpersonal dispute that remains unresolved for you – that you wish you had handled better.
- What was the dispute about?
- About what, specifically, do you continue to agonize?
- What is it about those things (your answer to the above question) that you find especially upsetting?
- What feels MOST unfinished about that dispute other than what you have already discussed here?
- What do you think the other person didn’t hear that you expressed – something that was important to you that you wished they had understood and/or acknowledged?
- If you were to have a do-over of the dispute, what would you say differently? What would you do differently, if anything?
- What do you think the other person doesn’t know about you and your ongoing feelings regarding the dispute between you?
- What do you notice or know, if anything, that would indicate the other person is still ruminating about the dispute, too?
- What are the major learning points for you from this dispute that you will keep in mind in another dispute (so you’ll respond/interact differently)? How do you describe the response based on that learning?
- What choices do you have about what to do about the situation now?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?
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