“DO NOT SPEAK UNLESS YOU CAN IMPROVE THE SILENCE”
“Do not speak unless you can improve the silence.” Spanish Proverb
I love this quote when it comes to interpersonal conflict (well, anytime really). However, considering relational disputes and particularly when we become reactive it is often the case that we cannot resist the urge to speak – to react. Staying quiet and listening so that we can take stock and try to understand what is motivating the dynamic doesn’t happen easily, if at all, at these times and our emotions get in the way. In fact, when we are in a state of heightened emotions, we really have trouble hearing what is being said!
What takes over is the urge to defend ourselves, to be right and to make the other person wrong. So much is at stake when this happens, and we especially miss the opportunity silence provides us – to find out what is the crux of the dissension. We are not in a state of mind to contemplate important aspects of interpersonal conflict – what is important to the other person, to ourselves and to the relationship.
In short, silence is really our friend, when we become aware that conflict is erupting and even before that when we sense it coming. Silence, for instance, is a friend that will help us settle down and provide a forum in which we can more carefully listen to what is being said. Silence – as our friend – urges us to consider what the other person is saying and feeling, and to listen more closely too, to ourselves and what we are experiencing. This friend also helps us get to a place we can more effectively respond – having an increased understanding of the conflict dynamic. For instance, once we settle ourselves, we can then consider the assumptions we are making and the root of our upset and that of the other’s.
For this week’s Conflict Mastery Quest(ions) blog it will help to bring to mind a situation in which you weren’t silent in a dispute so that you can analyze how silence might have been a good friend.
- What was the situation? What three emotions best describe what you were feeling at the time?
- What most specifically occurred such that you found it hard to remain silent?
- How did you react outwardly i.e. what did you say or do? How did you react inwardly?
- What words best describe the impact on the other person?
- How did your reactions improve upon remaining silent do you think – for yourself? For the other person?
- What do you suppose precluded you from staying silent? In what ways did not staying silent serve you?
- Generally speaking, what do you think gets in the way of remaining silent when we are in dispute with anther person?
- How do those things (that get in the way as per the previous question) impact the outcome positively ? Negatively?
- How might you determine when speaking improves the silence and when it doesn’t?
- What do you suppose might help you remain silent and listen before reacting in these situations (answer to the previous question)?
- What else occurs to you as you consider these questions?
- What insights do you have now that you didn’t have before you answered these questions?
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