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Losing Face

Posted on September 3, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

Among the fears that some of us have about interpersonal conflict is the loss of something important to us. It may be a fear we will lose what we are fighting for. It may be we fear losing the relationship. We may fear the loss of our position or status. Another loss some of us have when we are in conflict, or when we expect one may evolve, has to do with losing face and experiencing related emotions such as humiliation.

According to one source, the idiom – loss of face – refers to “loss of respect of others, humiliation, public disgrace” and apparently began as a translation of the Chinese phrase  ‘tiu lien’. That phrase may also be expressed in English as ‘to suffer public disgrace’, as to be unable to show one’s face in public.

To further explore this aspect of conflict when responding to the following set of ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions), consider a situation in which you feel you lost face:

  • What does the expression losing face mean to you?
  • In what ways do you think you lost face in the situation you have in mind?
  • What do you look like without face?
  • What did the other person specifically say or do that led to that occurring?
  • What did it feel like to lose face? What thoughts occurred to you at this time?
  • What other words or expression explain what you experienced?
  • How may you or did you gain back face, if you did?
  • What positive things came from losing face?
  • In what ways could you have prevented losing face?
  • What do you think generally contributes to you losing face in conflict? What helps to get it back?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Metaphors | Leave a comment

Making an Apology

Posted on August 27, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

As you know, last week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog was entitled “Apologizing” and specifically what constitutes an effective apology. This week’s blog asks more and different questions about making apologies. Doing so can be challenging for some of us – depending on the circumstance – as we do not always know if they will be received well and if the other person is ready and willing to listen. Or, we do not know if we are ready, sincerely wanting to apologize, or just wanting to say we are sorry because we think one is expected or we should.

Some of the other many considerations besides the other person’s readiness and our own include timing, degree of offense taken, our individual contributions to the discord, and our own lingering feelings about what happened. These and other variables tend to complicate apologies and the willingness to forgive.

It helps to give some time and energy to think out what we want to say before proceeding with apologies, and to be prepared for the possibilities that may arise in response. The following questions help explore an apology you are wondering about giving:

  • Thinking about a situation about which you wonder whether to make an apology, for what do you want to apologize?
  • What part of the apology are you feeling sincere about giving?
  • Which part of the apology does not feel sincere? Why does that not feel sincere?
  • What do you think the other person wants you to acknowledge and apologize for that you do not want to? Why don’t you, if this applies?
  • What will you not say in your apology because it may lead to a negative reaction?
  • What sentiments and words will you use that you feel are appropriate and likely to be well received?
  • What tone of voice do you plan to use? Body language?
  • How do you intend to respond if you do not get the response you hope for?
  • If you were on the receiving end of your intended apology, what would be said or done that would motivate you to accept it?
  • What do you know for sure about the apology you plan to make that you did not know or understand before your reflections here?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Apologizing, Forgiving, Reactions | Leave a comment

Apologizing

Posted on August 20, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

It often happens after an interpersonal dispute that one or both people apologize for something said or done that upset the other person. We may realize our actions were not warranted or that we said something that hurt the other person. We may have shared long-held sentiments that had remained unspoken and then, observe the negative consequences of doing so. We may have acted out of malice and on reflection, admit what we said or did was mean-spirited. The list goes on and any number of dynamics occur when we are in dispute about which we later experience remorse and ask for forgiveness.

Whether we apologize or the other person does or we both do, we all have ideas regarding what constitutes a sincere apology. Sometimes we are not quite ready to extend or receive one. Sometimes we find something said or done to be unforgivable. Sometimes we accept an apology or give one and we do not really mean it.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog asks readers to consider what has worked for you as an apology after a conflict.

  • Generally, what do you think are the best ingredients of an effective apology?
  • When someone apologizes to you and you feel it is sincere, what are they saying or doing to make it so?
  • How does it feel when someone apologizes and you are not quite ready?
  • What do you say or do in response at these times?
  • When you otherwise find it difficult to accept an apology, why is that the case?
  • When you have said “apology accepted” (or something else that indicates your acceptance) and you have not meant it, what happens?
  • What have you said or done in response to an apology made to you that is an attempt to just get past the situation – even though you are still upset, hurt, etc. by the experience? What is that like for you?
  • Considering a specific situation in which you did not accept an apology given, what was that like for you? What was it like for the other person?
  • What difference do you think it made in that situation – when you did not accept the apology?
  • What have you learned over time works best for you to be able to accept an apology? To give one?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Apologizing, Forgiving | 4 Comments

Taking Stock

Posted on August 13, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

After a conflict is over, it helps to ‘take stock’ of what happened and to learn from the experience. One of the definitions of this idiom – ‘to take stock’ – relevant to a conflict situation is “to think carefully about a situation or event and form an opinion about it, so that you can decide what to do”. Another pertinent reference is: “To assess a situation, to conduct a personal inventory of ones beliefs and values, etc.”

It frequently happens in the aftermath of conflict that we revisit what occurred – even when we don’t want to. Memories of what we or the other person said or did sometimes continue to spontaneously pop into our heads and hearts. Or, we recall a feeling we had at the time which then comes back and even sticks with us for a while. Or, it may be that we share our narrative of the situation, as we experienced it, with friends or family, keeping the story and the emotions alive. In any case, a sort of inventory seems to unfold that either helps us reconcile what occurred, or it may perpetuate an ongoing cycle of blame, recrimination, hurt, retaliation, confusion, and so on.

One conflict masterful way to take stock is to consider what we learned and calculate how far we have moved forward and away from the energy field that initiated and exacerbated the conflict in the first place. Another way involves taking a close look at the bruises that remain and consider why they are not fading. This may lead to a discussion with the other person or to some soul-searching that helps us process the interaction and gain some insights about the perceptions and the assumptions we exchanged. Hopefully, in the end, we are able to identify what we learned that we will apply to the next dispute. These and other possible choices about ways to take stock are ones for readers to contemplate here.

  • What does your inventory consist of about a specific conflict that you are now taking stock of?
  • Which of your reactions and thoughts do you continue to process?
  • Which of your beliefs and/or values surface now as you consider your reactions to the other person at the time of the conflict?
  • Which of the other person’s beliefs and/or values surfaced during the conflict that you didn’t know about?
  • What else did you learn about her or him? What do you think the other person learned about you?
  • What did you learn from that conflict that is most meaningful?
  • How have you applied that learning so far, if you have?
  • If you have not yet had a chance to apply the learning, how do you intend to do so? If you have not applied the learning yet – though there was a chance to do so – why is that the case?
  • What specifically do you wish you had known about the other person or the situation at the time of the conflict?
  • Having done some stock-taking here, what is different for you – in your thoughts and feelings?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Metaphors, Post-Conflict | 2 Comments

What’s Your Achilles’ Heel?

Posted on August 6, 2013 by Cinnie Noble

The derivation of the expression “Achilles’ heel” dates back to an ancient legend. The story goes that Achilles’ mother Thetis dipped him into the river Styx to make him invulnerable. One of his heels was not covered by the water though, and as a consequence he was later killed by an arrow wound to the heel that was exposed. The expression – Achilles’ heel – is used till this day as a metaphor for vulnerability.

We all have vulnerabilities and they often become exposed when we are in conflict. If another person knows our areas of vulnerability she or he may precipitate conflict by purposely wounding our Achilles’ heel. Sometimes, of course, there is no intent such that our Achilles’ heel may be struck inadvertently too. As with other times people intentionally or not intentionally trigger us with something they say or do – or do not say or do – it helps to reflect on what is happening before responding.

This week’s ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) blog asks you to consider your Achilles’ heel. That is, what areas of vulnerability lead to conflict for you? The following questions are geared to helping readers gain a better understanding about the exposure you experience in that regard.

  • What would you say is your Achilles’ heel – an area of vulnerability that is likely to result in conflict when touched?
  • Why is that the case?
  • What feels wounded when someone touches it? How does it feel?
  • In what ways do you expose it? How do you appear, act, etc. at these times?
  • How do you try to hide it? How do you appear, act, etc. at these times?
  • What don’t you know about your Achilles’ heel?
  • What helps diminish the impact on you when someone comes close to your Achilles’ heel?
  • How may you strengthen your heel as to feel less vulnerable?
  • What may you gain from doing so? What may you lose?
  • How will you show up differently to the other person and those observing you if you strengthen your Achilles’ heel?

What other ConflictMastery™ Quest(ions) may you add here?

Posted in Metaphors, Reactions | 12 Comments